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What the Hell, World Without Sherrie - The Book of the Celestial Cow

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March 19th, 2007


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04:14 am - What the Hell, World Without Sherrie
Sobell makes a wry joke in her Prison Break recap about Mahone's hobby of talking people into committing suicide, and I crack the hell up and then realize I shouldn't find it funny because of Sherrie.

We're watching a Hindi comedy, and a woman seems intent on committing suicide, and the characters play it off as a joke, and it's an opportune time for to leave the room because it makes me think of Sherrie.

I'm listening to "Adam's Song," and it's somehow more poignant because it reminds me of Sherrie.

I'm singing along to "Welcome to the Black Parade," and the lines "Though you're dead and gone, believe me / Your memory will carry on" remind me of Sherrie.

I've never even seen The Royal Tenenbaums, but I know about the usage of "Needle in the Hay," so that makes me think of Sherrie. Also because she was really getting into Elliott Smith the last couple months. I think. I thought I remembered that. I was paying a little bit of attention, right? Now I can't find the post. I swear I saw it. Maybe it was someone else.

I didn't even know her last name until I read her obituary. That's the sort of thing that makes it weird to tell anyone in real life. Especially my family, who couldn't possibly understand what's been on my mind the past week.

I think I've thought about her more in the past week than I ever did when she was alive, and that makes me feel shitty. I think I'm more affected, in some way, than I was when my uncle was killed in a car crash, which left me empty for a few days but allowed me to recover afterward, and that's just weird. Maybe because, despite our years of history, I had so little real, personal interaction with him. LiveJournal comments are powerful things, apparently. Of course, I even delivered a fucking eulogy for him. I choked up. I haven't actually cried this week, though, I think. It could be the collective grief from people I know better than I knew her seeping into me. It could be the fact that I don't even realize what I've lost because I didn't know her well enough.

Come back, Sherrie.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Elliott Smith - Needle in the Hay [in my head]

(40 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


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[User Picture]
From:soleta_nf
Date:March 18th, 2007 09:49 pm (UTC)
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I am so, so sorry for your loss. *hugs you hard*
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From:miss_katelynne
Date:March 18th, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)
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I think, when someone takes their own life, it always affects us more than when someone dies a natural death or by accident.

Also, it's weird the things that remind you of people who've died. I find myself crying over really dumb things sometimes, because it makes me think of my brother.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:March 19th, 2007 12:02 am (UTC)
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I think, when someone takes their own life, it always affects us more than when someone dies a natural death or by accident.
Yeah, I think that's true.

I'm sorry about your brother.
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From:cindywrites
Date:March 18th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
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I'm so sorry, Sunil. I only knew Sherrie as darcie at the Bronze and completely lost touch with her after I abandoned it. In fact last weekend, during the Bronze Beta celebration of the Buffy 10th Anniversary, someone told me that darcie on the Bronze was glitterlust and _cinnamongirl_ on LJ, and I couldn't keep it in my head -- such that when I saw the announcements of glitterlust's death, I knew I should know, but wouldn't let myself know. You know? I finally got up the nerve to ask Rachel or Erin or someone, and held my breath while they answered, certain the voice in the back of my head was wrong and so sorry that it wasn't.

So many people I care about loved her so well, that it still doesn't leave my mind for long, even though I haven't talked to her in a few years, and was never that close to her. You -- you've lost a friend, and your friends have lost a close a friend, and the whole thing sucks and is stupid and a million kinds of awful, and I hate it.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:March 19th, 2007 12:03 am (UTC)
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It's very, very dumb, Cindy. I demand a do-over.
From:wee_warrior
Date:March 18th, 2007 10:23 pm (UTC)
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*hugs*I'm sorry, sweetie. For you, and about your friend. Losing people sucks.
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From:glasseseater
Date:March 18th, 2007 10:48 pm (UTC)
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I'm so sorry. *hugs*
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From:idreamofpeace
Date:March 18th, 2007 10:50 pm (UTC)
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She made an impression on all who knew her. Everything is making me think of her, even things that are totally random.

I miss her.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:March 19th, 2007 04:31 pm (UTC)
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On the way to work, I was listening to the radio, and they were giving away Coachella tickets, and I gasped and put my hand to my mouth because I remembered that Sherrie really wanted to go to Coachella, and I had had this idea of winning tickets for her, and I thought that I guess they would have gone to waste, or maybe she would have had something to live for.
[User Picture]
From:tiggz
Date:March 18th, 2007 11:22 pm (UTC)
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random things are making me think of her too. i still can't believe i'm never going to see her post anything else. i don't think i've ever really understood a person with mental health disabilities until she started writing about her troubles. she had such a way with words and for the first time i could understand what she and other people were going through.

i really wish she hadn't gone back and made so many of her entries private because some of them really opened my eyes and mind.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:March 19th, 2007 12:07 am (UTC)
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I'm awful because I don't think I read most of those posts in the first place. I didn't want to...deal with them, I guess, because they were the majority of what she was posting when I knew her; I wanted to talk to the Sherrie who liked to write about books and music.

I'm glad she didn't delete her journal this time, though. At least I can go back and read.
[User Picture]
From:vaspider
Date:March 18th, 2007 11:28 pm (UTC)
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I'm sorry.

*hug*
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From:cucumbersarnies
Date:March 18th, 2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
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this just post just makes me want to hug you, and then make you a cup of tea.

it was Sherrie who was getting really into Elliot Smith. She had an lj icon of him. She didn't mention as much as the Liber-fucking-tines though, so that might be why you can't find it now.

i wish she would come back too. there are a lot of things i wish about Sherrie's death- mainly that it hadn't happened, of course. but lots of other little things that i wished Sherrie could have seen or done or heard before she died. had she ever even left the us? had she travelled at all? that's the thing with suicide- there is no real preparation, and all that gets left are a ton of questions.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:March 19th, 2007 12:09 am (UTC)
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it was Sherrie who was getting really into Elliot Smith.
Oh, thank you. I distinctly remember her posting when she got into him, saying something like, "Where have you been all my life?" And I think I might have just been amused because of course she would like Elliott Smith.

had she ever even left the us? had she travelled at all?
In my search for the Elliott Smith post, I found her post where she listed her goals for the year. One of which was to become happy enough to, you know, not do what she did.

*sigh*
[User Picture]
From:seawench
Date:March 18th, 2007 11:34 pm (UTC)
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Sudden death will do that. I've been in a similar space the last month. Friend from high school. It sucks. Tequilla helps.

I'm so sorry.
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From:miniglik
Date:March 19th, 2007 12:22 am (UTC)
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I'm sorry, Sunil. I can't imagine what everyone's going through. The whole thing makes me sick at my stomach, and that's just from seeing the pain of others (I didn't know her at all).

Death just sucks, and suicide more so, because it's a death that everyone makes personal and a little bit their own fault (even though it really isn't).

I haven't talked to you in a few days, but I hope you're okay (physically and emotionally).
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From:enshanam
Date:March 19th, 2007 12:51 am (UTC)
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For me, it was okay to still find those things funny. It's part of how I've worked to come to terms with what happened (although I'm still a long way off in some respects).

*hugs* drop me a line if there's anything I can do

[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:March 19th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC)
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Oh, Shari. Yeah. You. *hugs*
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From:eirefaerie
Date:March 19th, 2007 12:56 am (UTC)
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I have gone with denial, and I feel that I'm working it pretty well. I think I might settle in with denial for a few weeks more; like an open wound hidden beneath a bandage, maybe it won't fester if left alone. Maybe it'll scab open and scar and I can pick at it when it itches and let it scab over again. maybe if I just ignore it, it won't be there anymore.

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