Polter-Cow (spectralbovine) wrote,
Polter-Cow
spectralbovine

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ohimesamamama thinks I'm goofy

In honor of the fact that I'm finally making headway on my thesis, the thesis that will actually get me out of the lab, possibly forever, I present to you a Gilbert and Sullivan filk I wrote a few years ago. I included it with my grad school applications.

SCIENTIST:

I am the very model of a modern research scientist,
Amresco, Sigma, Fisher, oh you'll find them on my client list,
You'll come to me if on your knee you one day see a giant cyst
Which may prove quite unsightly while to lover's toys applying twist;
I do possess no more or less than three scholastic doctorates,
In my defense of my theses I know I was quite obdurate,
It took no time at all for me to secure a laboratory,
But all this scientific work does not help me to score a fee!

ALL:

But all this scientific work does not help him to score a fee!
But all this scientific work does not help him to score a fee!
But all this scientific work does not help him to score a score a fee!

SCIENTIST:

With five round plasmids I'll transfect the sturdiest bacterium,
When it rejects them, I do say it drives me to delirium:
In short, in matters biological you'll find I'm Darwinist,
I am the very model of a modern research scientist.

ALL:

In short, in matters biological you'll find he's Darwinist,
He is the very model of a modern research scientist.

SCIENTIST:

I take optical densities with a spectrophotometer,
The DNA that I've unwound takes up a full kilometer;
I lace the plates I grow those buggers on with chloramphenicol
The twenty-hour incubation time lets me drink ethanol.
I heat up all my samples to a temp of sixty-five degrees,
And then I place them in a gel and let them electrophorese;
The transfer buffer (how I love her!) helps me do a Western blot
But I cry when at sixteen kilodaltons a band I see not!

ALL:

But he cries when at sixteen kilodaltons a band he sees not!
But he cries when at sixteen kilodaltons a band he sees not!
But he cries when at sixteen kilodaltons a band he sees he sees not!

SCIENTIST:

Yes, thirteen thousand rpm's is how I set the centrifuge,
My physical fitness does not allow me to ride on a luge,
In short, in matters biological you'll find I'm Darwinist,
I am the very model of a modern research scientist.

ALL:

In short, in matters biological you'll find he's Darwinist,
He is the very model of a modern research scientist.

SCIENTIST:

Polymerase chain reaction is long for what's called PCR,
This lab technique I've mastered but I can't program my VCR;
I sterilize my media, I put it in the autoclave,
I'm in the lab so often that I frequently forget to shave.
When I know that in RNA the thymine becomes uracil
But my face shows such great disgrace it seems I need some Clearasil;
In short, my stories oft use apoptosis as a metaphor
And this past Halloween I trick-or-treated as a chromophore!

ALL:

And this past Halloween he trick-or-treated as a chromophore!
And this past Halloween he trick-or-treated as a chromophore!
And this past Halloween he trick-or-treated as a chromo, chromophore!

SCIENTIST:

I don't wish to engage in the study of hagiography,
And I know nothing at all of the Beatles' long discography,
But still, in matters biological you'll find I'm Darwinist,
I am the very model of a modern research scientist.

ALL:

But still, in matters biological you'll find he's Darwinist,
He is the very model of a modern research scientist.
Tags: filk, gilbert and sullivan, grad school, thesis
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