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The Blind Have Been Blessed with Security - The Book of the Celestial Cow

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October 13th, 2006


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12:08 am - The Blind Have Been Blessed with Security
I need a week's vacation from life.

I just need time to...stop passing. I need some time for me. Just me. No one else.

I've been in this new apartment for over a month, and I don't have a fucking couch. Because I have not positioned a couch, I have not erected bookshelves. Because I have not erected bookshelves, I cannot see all my books, which I have previously declared "keep me sane." I don't have my DVDs prominently displayed because I'm not exactly sure what to put them on. I've had a new computer for almost a month and haven't switched to it yet because I haven't had the time to find a safe way to transfer my data over, and I haven't emotionally prepared myself to leave the computer I've been using for over three years.

I wake up, and I go to work. Work is incredibly busy and stressful because I've got important deadlines to meet in the next couple months, and I'm pretty behind, which is partly my fault and partly totally not my fault, but still partly my fault because I need to learn how to be more assertive and proactive about completing projects assigned to me. I need to realize that despite being only twenty-five, I am someone with an important job in the company, and I have a fucking business card, so I do have every right to harangue people older and more experienced if they're impeding me from making progress on my own work. I come home, and I have maybe an hour or so to relax before I have to make dinner and eat dinner before settling in for the night's television, followed by, on select nights, writing and reading about the night's television. And by that time, I'm far too tired to do anything at all, so I go to sleep. Last night, I lay down to listen to some music and woke up five hours later with the lights and music still on. Meanwhile, somewhere in the middle of this, I need to take care of my MI.net responsibilities. Also, I'm supposed to brush and floss every night so I don't develop periodontal disease, but oral hygiene doesn't seem like a priority when the bed is so inviting. And I haven't shaved since...I don't remember.

I need to learn how to manage my time. Because all I want to do when I'm not working is not work. I want to lie down and listen to music. Watch TV. Get away from everything. I need to learn how to manage my money. Because I'm actually making it on a decent scale, and I don't need to be as goddamn stingy as I was when I living off a graduate stipend or my savings. I need to learn how to spend money. I need to learn how to spend money on other people. I need to understand that if I want a couch worth sitting on, it's going to cost me a few hundred dollars, and that's just the way it is. Living costs money. I'm not going to go broke if I go out to lunch once in a while.

I don't remember the last time I went to a doctor. Now that I have health insurance, I need to go to the doctor. I need to find out what's wrong with me, even though I don't want to know. I don't want to know how unhealthy my lifestyle is because I don't want to change it. But I am in terrible shape and probably underweight, and I need to do something about that if I want to age gracefully. I need to learn how to cook real food.

I'm supposedly an adult. Shouldn't I be able to sort my fucking life out? Why does it require so much work? And why don't they give you enough time to get everything done that needs to be done? I knew the whole "independence" thing had a catch.

For those of you who don't give a fuck about my personal woes, here's some token TV talk:

It's very amusing that in the same week Veronica acts like Chloe, Chloe acts like Veronica. Veronica works for a paper and goes undercover in the name of investigative journalism, and Chloe wields a taser and dates Troy.

Supernatural was pretty good. The teaser made me jump, and who doesn't love a good decapitation (besides Sam, that is)? But it was interesting to get this episode the same week as "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week." VM let the moral grayness of the characters' actions speak for themselves and sit there. SPN spent the whole episode making sure the audience knew what moral grayness was.

I liked the conflicts set up in the episode about the Winchesters' mission, and I like when characters do "bad" things for "good" reasons, but this show definitely feels like a "turn your brain off because the show will do all the thinking for you" show. Which isn't necessarily bad, as it's sometimes nice to just sit back and enjoy. It's sort of refreshing to be able to follow the emotional journeys of the characters by...having them talk about their feelings all the time. At least you know the writers know what the characters are supposed to be feeling, and the characters know what they're supposed to be feeling, and so you know what the characters are supposed to be feeling. At least it's all felt pretty organic. Hey, I didn't know that Sam actually knew about the hole in Dean's soul until he told me, and I hadn't actually picked up on the fact that Dean was trying to fill that hole with whatshisname, who was supposed to be a new father figure. But Sam told me everything! THANK YOU, SAM. Because of you, I could just sit there and eat my ice cream.

You know, I got this Chocolate Truffle ice cream because I thought I would like truffles, but then I remembered that I don't actually like truffles because they have this funny sweet taste to them, and I blech every time I have to bite into a truffle piece even though I like the chocolate ice cream, but I have to finish this so I can get to the Mocha Almond Fudge, which I know I'll like for sure, and, you guys, THERE IS EVEN ANGST IN MY ICE CREAM.
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: Shiny Toy Guns - Le Disko

(102 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


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[User Picture]
From:squaringkarma
Date:October 13th, 2006 07:16 am (UTC)
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Aw Sunil. *hugs*
From:hobviously
Date:October 13th, 2006 07:19 am (UTC)
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Aw, cow, I love you. Life is hard. But I think you're doing it. You just need to acquaint yourself with the idea of it all. I'd be insightful and comforting but I took sleepy drugs a bit ago and I'm having trouble with words and punctuation and thoughts, so...

Let's go to IKEA and get you a fucking couch!
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 13th, 2006 07:21 am (UTC)
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Those Ectoplasmic ones or whatever seem decent. But, like FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS. I mean, come on! That's, like, THREE THOUSAND DINNERS.
From:wee_warrior
Date:October 13th, 2006 07:23 am (UTC)
(Link)
Adult life sucks, dude. *hugs*

But hey, IKEA doesn't only have awesome couches, they also haves shelves for your books and DVDs...
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 13th, 2006 07:29 am (UTC)
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Dude, those shelves are EXPENSIVE. Like, hundreds of dollars!! WHATEVER. I can buy bookshelves at fucking Wal-Mart for $25.

Really, I browsed IKEA and thought everything was crazy expensive. I thought it was supposed to be cheap.
[User Picture]
From:miniglik
Date:October 13th, 2006 07:25 am (UTC)
(Link)
I'm supposedly an adult. Shouldn't I be able to sort my fucking life out? Why does it require so much work? And why don't they give you enough time to get everything done that needs to be done? I knew the whole "independence" thing had a catch.

Everyone goes through those phases. Of course, me telling you that doesn't make it any easier on you. But there is nothing wrong with you. You'll figure it out. Plus, tomorrow is Friday! Yaay, weekend!

It's sort of refreshing to be able to follow the emotional journeys of the characters by...having them talk about their feelings all the time.

Is that why everyone on my flist is so crazy over them? They're pretty men that spend all episode either being angry, fighting, or talking about their feelings? No wonder they're, like, girl-nip.

Also, I'm not nearly as drunk as I hoped to be this evening. Like, not drunk at all. *Sigh*

[User Picture]
From:aprilbegins
Date:October 13th, 2006 07:37 am (UTC)
(Link)
Okay, here we go. In an effort to avoid saying IAWTC and to assure you you are in no way alone in how you feel, I'm splicing your post to represent my own life.

I wake up, and I go to work. Work is incredibly busy and stressful because I've got important deadlines to meet in the next couple months, and I'm pretty behind, which is partly my fault and partly totally not my fault, but still partly my fault because I need to learn how to be more assertive and proactive about completing projects assigned to me. I need to realize that despite being only twenty-[four], I am someone with an important job in the company, and I have a fucking business card, so I do have every right to harangue people older and more experienced if they're impeding me from making progress on my own work. I need to learn how to manage my time. I need to learn how to manage my money. I need to learn how to spend money. I'm supposedly an adult. I need to learn how to cook real food but oral hygiene doesn't seem like a priority when the bed is so inviting.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 13th, 2006 08:35 am (UTC)
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I just posted something eerily similar to that.
I know! It was funny because, like you said, we talked about this last week. I really don't mind the emotional exposition, but they could have been a leeeetle less heavy-handed with the "Hey, do you guys realize that morals come in black and white and, now, for a limited time only, GREY??"
[User Picture]
From:sjester
Date:October 13th, 2006 09:19 am (UTC)
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*big hugs*

Good luck with managing, well, life. Which, for what it's worth, you seem to be doing a better job of than I am, what with the apartment (couchless though it may be), the well-paying job, and the HEALTH INSURANCE.

*ahem* Sorry for shouting that last. I'm officially without health insurance as of today. Good thing I already ordered my year's supply of contact lenses.

But seriously, good luck. You can do this adult thing.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 13th, 2006 04:01 pm (UTC)
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I can't throw away ice cream! It's ICE CREAM.
[User Picture]
From:catatonia00
Date:October 13th, 2006 11:44 am (UTC)
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It might take a while to find your groove. But with your razor sharp wit, ingenuity, tenacity and trusty TiVo in hand, you'll get to that place in due time.

For the meantime, try listening to Jamie Cullum's Twenty Somethings. It may not be your usual cup of tea, but it captures the travails of the 20 somethings. Well, minus the drowning in alcohol part for you though.

On a completely different note, I'm so glad to have read your pimping of "Green Wing" (by way of rack_of_lamb). I've been curious about it, but I didn't know anyone who'd seen it.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 13th, 2006 04:02 pm (UTC)
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Oh, have you seen Green Wing? I love it!
[User Picture]
From:pidgehuss
Date:October 13th, 2006 11:51 am (UTC)
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I am dutifully ignoring the SNat and SV chatter, because I am in the process of downloading them, but I wanted to chime in on the Being an Adult Sucks thoughts. Seriously, I'm about to turn 25 and I am utterly incapable of behaving like a functioning adult. If my boyfriend wasn't a proactive angel, I'd still be sitting on the floor, watching my 13" TV and using the crappiest pans you've ever seen (with WHOLE FLAKES of teflon that come off when frying a veggie burger, like, I'm so pumped about my impending stomach cancer now). I can't bring myself to search Craig's list or eBay for proper furniture, so he does it, finds great pieces like a real live grownup would own (and then buys them, because...no income right now or even in the foreseeable future, thank you worthless masters degree for a field that I kind of don't want to be in anymore) and it's because he had an extra futon and a kitchen table and stuff that my two-and-a-half-month-old apartment situation approaches normal looking.

In contrast to his awesomeness, I do the following things:
*refuse to take my car to the dealer to have them fix my CD player which is still under warranty and has been broken for FOURTEEN months, and also see if they'll adjust my headlights
*send the thank-you notes that I wrote within a few weeks of graduation, but I have post office anxiety, and keep telling myself that I want to print out pictures and include them, but this weekend I'll be seeing my dad's side of the family and SOMEONE will bring up how I'm a thankless bitch, because one of my aunts already said something to my mother
*let dishes pile up for three days before I consider washing them
*eat whole meals that exist entirely of things like microwaved appetizers, nachos, or popcorn
*neglect to take two birthday presents I have for friends (one since FEBRUARY) to be mailed, because of the aforementioned post office incompetence
*wait until the day before I leave for a trip to try and get a hair appointment, because the bangs that were cute in June when I had them cut are now touching my nose if I put them over my forehead, and my parents would disapprove massively, and I've been meaning to get this haircut for approximately four weeks
*etc.

What am I doing with all of my time? Glad you asked. I am catching up on TV I missed the night before, reading TWoP recaps of TV I have already watched, and spending an irresponsible amount of time on LJ. Oh, and feeling generally grumpy that all of my friends moved away after we graduated and I'm stuck in a city that I actually don't like very much (because my undergrad was in Washington DC and that's the eventual goal, and despite its scattered charms, Columbus will never live up to it) and the only person I ever see is my boyfriend, because I don't have a job, so I have no one else to talk to and it generally is getting me down.

I feel your pain with the whole Independence is Hard thing. I am so inactive on making my own life better and I don't really know why, but I feel you.

(Hey, that kind of catches you up on my life! Being a newly added LJ-friend and all!)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 13th, 2006 04:06 pm (UTC)
(Link)
let dishes pile up for three days before I consider washing them
I hate not having a dishwasher!

It does seem like you feel my pain. Damn us.
[User Picture]
From:cadhla
Date:October 13th, 2006 12:31 pm (UTC)
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If you need Chris and I to haul your happy butt to Ikea (or other such locales), sing out. This is why we've got The Big Car.
[User Picture]
From:etherealclarity
Date:October 13th, 2006 12:36 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I'm supposedly an adult. Shouldn't I be able to sort my fucking life out? Why does it require so much work? And why don't they give you enough time to get everything done that needs to be done? I knew the whole "independence" thing had a catch.

Oh, how I relate. You have no idea.
[User Picture]
From:etherealclarity
Date:October 13th, 2006 12:37 pm (UTC)
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And also, *HUGS*
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 13th, 2006 05:23 pm (UTC)
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I don't have time for girls, Nicole!!

And my living room is not that big. I only need one couch/sofa. And I have a little tool set thing. But those IKEA bookshelves were so bloody expensive! I don't need three-thousand-pound bookshelves! I live in a little Oakland apartment!
[User Picture]
From:coffeeandink
Date:October 13th, 2006 12:59 pm (UTC)
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I feel massive sympathy for your quarter-century angst. I do! I have been there! Business cards: Proof of maturity! So, yes.

But mostly this is to say, yes, you are completely right about the merits of VMars vs. SPN, and yet I like and respect VMars, I would be so happy to meet it once a week and dawdle over coffee, but we are just friends, whereas SPN, SPN, I see its flaws but I do not care, I love it, I stalk it, I want to jump its bones, I tell all my friends how much it likes carrots, if it doesn't want me I have no pride, I just beg it to let me hang around and stare, god I love it so much.

But, y'know, VMars is a much nicer girl. Even I will give you that.
[User Picture]
From:harper47
Date:October 13th, 2006 01:00 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I was beginning to think you were maybe this perfect person who is always witty, always cool and cruising through life. Sort of my LJ hero. (hee!) So I'm sending hugs - you know in that theatrical way (where it's all touchy feely let's go sit at the bar and share our deep feelings) and just sharing the fact that I completely get it. And sometimes you just have to take some me time.

And I'm terrible at saying and not doing since I kind of live in a whirlwind, but have take a couple of sick days or vacation days and in one just kick back and relax and do anything you feel like and one day and then do all the thousand and one personal errands that are always piling up on the second day.

Speaking as one who has had this insane soap operatic life and who juggles three jobs (paralegal by day, musical theatre teacher by night - hee - you should see my costume), Buffy days (You know those days when your life sucks beyond the telling of it) sort of whack you out of the blue. So I hope you take some me time. And I'm sure all of your numerous lj friends have probably posted a lot better advice than that or you know said in a much more witty fashion but go with your instincts at work, take time for yourself and if it bothers anyone else you kind of just have to say fuck it, I need this.

As re Supernatural - you're right, they do angst it out. It's not so much about the pretty boy aspect for me, I just like the supernatural aspect of the show (I need my mythology fix), I like the relationship the boys have and the shows are usually intense enough to keep me fascinated.



[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 13th, 2006 04:10 pm (UTC)
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I was beginning to think you were maybe this perfect person who is always witty, always cool and cruising through life.
HA. Not hardly.

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