Polter-Cow (spectralbovine) wrote,

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For the Butchers in Detroit, for the Wireless in Ypsilanti

Dear Kristen Bell,

You know I think you're great, right? Like, besides thinking you're pretty and a talented actress with marvelous comic timing and delivery, I also love that we share some similar interests, like Stephen Sondheim and Christopher Pike. You seem like a fun person to know.

That being said: please never make a movie as bad as Pulse again.

Look, I can guess what happened. You saw the original Japanese version and thought it was fantastic. You read Wes Craven's original script and thought it was superb. You didn't know they would take the most superficial aspect of the original movie and try to build an entire lack of story around it. You didn't know they would push the release date back seventeen thousand times and reshoot and re-edit until the final product ended up being an INCOHERENT MESS.

Come on, Kristen. I am easy to please. I don't usually notice when the plots of movies are nonsense. As long as things seem to work out within the rules of the movie universe and adequately propel the plot forward in a remotely believable way, I don't mind. My favorite horror movies in recent memory are Freddy vs. Jason and Jason X, for fuck's sake. So when I call your new movie incoherent, you know I mean business.

I appreciate the message of the movie, the comment on the role of technology in our society. That's what you've been pushing in interviews, the reason this horror flick is "smarter" than most. And, sadly, I think you're still clinging to all the original idea because, dude, did you see the movie? It makes no sense. There are these flickery ghost-demon-alien-whatevers going around sucking the life out of people or something, but their behavior is erratic and nonsensical and not bound by any of the rules that would be naturally set by the metaphor. And, thus, the metaphor is a complete failure.

The horror is a complete failure. Because it makes no sense. If your message is that technology is evil, why the hell do your adversaries randomly pop up in bathroom stalls? In dryers? IN A FUCKING DRYER? THE GODDAMN DRYER WILL BE THE RUIN OF OUR CIVILIZATION?!

Sorry to yell at you, Kristen. I know it's not your fault. You yourself did a fine job with what you were given since you were the only character in the movie with even the slightest hint of depth. And you showed cleavage on multiple occasions, and I appreciate that. I really do. The tub scene was kind of a letdown, though. I saw more of you in Jane.

Sorry to perv at you, Kristen. But you are the one and only reason to see this movie. As I cannot endorse the movie entire, I was going to suggest that people buy a ticket for Pulse in order to support you and see something else instead. But I'm not sure that I want people to support your choice to make this movie, however misguided it may have been. If you give me an address, we can just send you eight dollars directly, how about that?

Because this movie is going to tank, see. There were fewer than 25 people in the theatre. Two of those people came because they'd seen ads on TV. One group simply chose the theatre that no one was going into. The final rationale we heard was that "it was playing at the right time."

If you want to be a big movie star, and who doesn't, this isn't the way to go about doing it. Jim Sonzero is no Gore Verbinski. Jim Sonzero, I think, saw a horror movie once and decided that was enough to make one himself. The washed-out color palette is effective, actually, but after a while it seems like his one good idea. And then you went gallivanting about with this Kyle Newman character? How are you choosing your directors? I really hope Fanboys is as fun and entertaining as it should be.

In conclusion, let's make out.

Tags: girls, in conclusion, kristen bell, movies, there's a demon in my cell phone

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