Polter-Cow (spectralbovine) wrote,

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Thin, Juicy Lamb Cutlets

So I wrote a guest recap for rack_of_lamb (recapping only the Lamb scenes from last night's episode), and it seemed to be a pretty big hit (even with Michael Muhney himself), so I thought I would post it here. Because I think there are definitely some bits of good humor, as the ice cream man says. Some claim I am funnier than Couch Baron, which is pretty high praise. It may be because I am much more fond of all-caps humor, and all-caps humor is never not funny. It's so funny, in fact, that sadiekate's promised to show me her boobs.

Neptune League of Women Voters

We pan down on the sheriffic (shut up, it's a word) debate. It's Lamb vs. Mars, and Lamb has the floor. He makes a list of all the things that bug him, including gang violence, illegal immigration, and...street racing (Midnight Club 3: Neptune Edition!). I think he forgot to add "Veronica Mars" to that list. He closes with his conviction that "the people of Balboa County will put the Exterminator back in office." The Extermi-who now? Since when did Lamb become the Exterminator? Does he go from house to house performing fumigations? This is his brilliant campaign?

The women voters clap for the Orkin Man, and the mediator directs a pointed question at Keith about whether the fact that, you know, Neptune fucking kicked him out of office might color his feelings for the town. Keith says that he loves Neptune and blah blah blah this is a Lamb community, Keith. No one's listening to you!

Oh, but he does borrow Lamb's "bug me" slogan, and Lamb totally looks at him like, "What the hell? You can't say that! That's my line, bitch! I INVENTED IT. NO ONE CAN SAY THAT WITHOUT MY EXPRESS LEGAL CONSENT." Or it might have been closer to a, "Wha? Ass."

So what bugs Keith? What's been happening in Neptune lately. And Lamb totally breaks the rules of the debate by butting in with, "You mean violent crime dropping eleven percent?" Like OH SNAP. But Keith's all, "No, I love violent crime. Up with violent crime! I just don't like that we're divided and shit." And the women voters clap, because they'll clap for anything.

The mediator takes this opportunity to bring up the bus crash, because who doesn't love a good exploitation of tragedy and possible mass murder for political gain? She points out that people think Lamb was a bit quick in dismissing the crash as driver error.

Lamb responds—and this is awesome—by saying that "it's just come to light"—and then he takes a gulp, as if he's been preparing for this all along, but he's still gathering the cojones to actually pull it off—even though his reaction makes it sound like the information got to him, like, right at that moment while he was onstage, as if he were delivering some sort of breaking news—and I'm way too deep in dashes to figure out where to continue. Anyway, he drops a bombshell: over fifteen years ago, Deputy Keith Mars pulled over Ed Doyle for a DUI but didn't actually file it, choosing instead to follow him home to make sure he didn't kill anyone. Lamb's spin is that he was supposed to keep following him for FIFTEEN YEARS, dammit, because, hello, bus?! Or something about the DUI keeping him from driving the bus in the first place.

Keith is floored. He walks over to Jayne and asks, "How drunk was I that night?" Wait, wrong show. But he certainly doesn't remember that incident. Lamb, though, is more than happy to show him his patrol logs, and, seriously, guys, there is pure evil in that man's pretty blue eyes.

Veronica was in that scene too, and you can pretend they were eyefucking if you want to.

Sheriff's Office

Lamb is opening a small box. "A present? For me?" he thinks. "I hope it's an emerald ring! Or a gold necklace!"

A beetle encased in glass? The fuck? Oh, there's a note. Maybe it says, "You know what bugs me? YOUR MOM." But it doesn't. It's on Kane stationery, purportedly from Jake Kane himself, supporting Lamb's re-election. Television viewers with more than half a brain know that it's actually from Veronica, and it's a bug. No, really, a bug. Like...to bug things. Such as an office.

Lamb is happy as a pig in the sunshine to get this endorsement. When Sacks knocks on his door, he hands the bug to him with a "Check this out" he usually reserves for finding his nemesis's name written on a dead body. So you know he thinks it's awesome.

Sacks's moustache says, "It's a bug, you fool! A BUG. VERONICA MARS IS SMARTER THAN—" But Sacks doesn't hear it because, well, moustache.

Sacks's moustache's human tells Lamb there are some guys in interrogation with a crazy story, but we never hear about it again, so clearly they're going to be important in about two episodes. The bug that Lamb casually leaves next to his coffee pot (He wants a proper cup of coffee, brewed in a proper copper coffee pot!) will be important in this episode. Like so:

Veronica's Laptop

Veronica listens to the bug recordings.

"Oh! Don! I can't believe the size of your...gun!" Okay, fast-forwarding through that...

"I want you to protect and serve me, Lamby." Whoa, definitely fast-fowarding...

"Ooh, ooh, Veronica!"

"You have to make a report on your own, sweetheart." Aha! Veronica, having recently seen Shopgirl, realizes that Lamb is trying to deduce whether this woman really loves him. Or he's just being an ass. One of the two.

She forwards until she hits Lamb's meeting with Terrence Cook:

Sheriff's Office

We're in flashback mode, as Lamb is asking Terrence if he'd like to purchase some tickets for the fundraiser. His tone suggests that Terrence will, in fact, be purchasing tickets for the fundraiser. Terrence is a bit surprised that he was called all the way down there to buy Girl Scout cookies, but Lamb explains that he likes to ingratiate get to know the more...notable residents of Neptune.

Terrence offers to buy two and gets up to leave, and the camera angle slowly shifts to the left. While this makes it look as if Terrence has the upper hand, it's actually because Lamb has all the pull. He thinks it'll be more like a thousand. Back in elementary school, he'd learned that to multiply a number by ten, you just add a zero to the end, so he knows that at ten bucks a pop, that'll be a ten-thousand-dollar donation. Add in an emcee gig, and you've got yourself a blackmail!

But why? Well, ten thousand dollars is a paltry sum compared to three million dollars, which is—oh my God. This is ridiculously subtle. Remember those guys in interrogation with the crazy story that I said weren't important? THEY ARE. They were picked up in Cliffside, which is where Terrence Cook lives. They're the reason Lamb called Terrence down. They ratted out Terrence and his baseball-gambling ways.

Throughout this exchange, Lamb is very, very mean. Not angry-mean or vicious-mean. But that kind of mean where you're just barely containing yourself, where the person you're talking to knows you mean business. There are also lots and lots of close-ups, and my, does that man have pretty lips.

Sheriff's Office

Sacks lets Keith in, so Lamb hastily shuts down all his porn sites, knowing that the camera's going to give us a full view of his computer screen. What's on his desktop is hard to make out, and his screensaver seems to be a bunch of random pictures.

Keith's come to offer him the bus crash voicemail message, and Lamb thinks he wants another book deal, because in Lamb's world, everyone's as much of a scheming opportunist as he is. But Keith is a voice of reason, pointing out the sound of an explosion. Lamb is a voice of idiocy, positing that Ed Doyle decided to blow his brains out on the way down.

I don't know, Lamb. If he wanted to shoot himself, he could have done it AT HOME. YOUR DETECTIVE SKILLZ SUX0R.

His people skills also sux0r, since he accuses Keith of only wanting to clear his name so he can win the election, like, could he possibly care about justice? WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE THE WIZARD, LAMB? ASK FOR SOME FUCKING MORALS.

In order to steal back Veronica's bug, Keith preys on Lamb's penchant for starfucking: "Is that a picture of you and the governor?" As it turns out, Lamb was fishfucking, not starfucking. It was a marlin who did not in any way resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Keith Mars...is smarter than you.
Tags: i am so awesome, lamb chops, lj friends, michael muhney, recap, tv, twop, veronica mars
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