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Comic-Con 2017: The Totally Abridged Edition - The Book of the Celestial Cow

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August 3rd, 2017


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09:42 pm - Comic-Con 2017: The Totally Abridged Edition
After one skip year and one year where I only went for a couple days, I finally got to do a full Comic-Con again!

I totally gave Alisha a TARDIS Beat to read on the plane to San Diego at the airport. I totally sat next to a woman who was reading The Magicians. The Manchester Grand Hyatt staff were totally wearing superhero shirts. Jen was totally checking in right after I got done checking in. Cat totally cut Alisha's Daenerys Targaryen wig into a Liv Moore wig. Cat totally had not aged in the years since she left the Bay Area. We were totally a mixed-seafood group. Seanan totally told me my hair looked like I was auditioning to be G.I. Joe. I totally snagged the #2 Jeff Smith signing ticket. I totally ran into David Server at the Star Wars booth. We totally walked the floor and perused collectibles. Jeff Smith totally announced a children's book. Pris totally found me so I could let her borrow a power strip. I totally teared up telling Jeff Smith about my Bone reading experience. Alisha totally made a line buddy who had extra tickets to see Conan O'Brien on Thursday. We were totally The Last Jedi. David Mack totally congratulated me on my successes. Theresa DeLucci totally recognized me at the Tor booth. Tracy was totally listening to Jimmy Eat World when we got back to the room. I was totally hungry so I changed a meeting venue from Dublin to La Puerta, but La Puerta was totally busy so I changed it again to Las Hadas. I totally saw Mary for the first time in over a decade. We totally stayed in touch over Facebook. Las Hadas totally made sure there was totally no cilantro on my totally amazing tacos. We totally talked about television shows and then we totally rationalized murder. The Hyatt bar was totally already a happening place. David Server was totally friends with the woman at the SHOUT! Factory booth who chatted with Alisha. I totally fanboyed the fuck out of Patrick (H) Willems. Patrick thought I was cool already but totally knew I was cool since I liked Tokyo Drift.

Alisha and I totally got to the Spreckels Theater at 8 and then totally waited three hours to get tickets and wristbands for Conan O'Brien. Al from Line totally showed us pictures of meeting famous people like Steven goddamn Spielberg. I totally went to one whole panel on Thursday. Gail Simone totally had to pee sitting between Peter David and Chris Claremont at her first Comic-Con. Her new series Crosswind is totally Goodfellas meets Freaky Friday. Gail Simone's career goal is totally to write Spider-Man so Nicola Scott can draw all that Spidey butt. I totally cried while listening to Linkin Park in a restaurant called The Lazy Hippo. My Conan ticket totally fell out of my pocket somewhere and they totally would not let me into the theater. Tracy totally found someone who could help. I totally ended up with a better seat than my actual ticket. We were totally enthusiastic for free T-shirts. Conan O'Brien totally made good Comic-Con jokes. Someone in the audience totally told Halle Berry he loved her and Conan totally made fun of him. Taron Egerton and Jeff Bridges totally sang Guys and Dolls. I totally did not sell my Funko POP! for $80. Aloe water is totally not as bad as it sounds. The line for the Netflix Experience was totally shorter than earlier. I totally took pictures with all the Defenders except Iron Fist. Alisha and Tracy and I totally took hilarious Bright and Stranger Things pictures. Tracy and I totally got matching orc gang tattoos. mycenae totally ran into me on purpose for the first time ever. I totally got eaten by the Demogorgon. La Puerta was totally busy but we totally waited for it. I totally ate tacos with fried crispy cheese-wrapped pollo asado. Alisha totally recognized Blake Anderson from Workaholics at the bar. I totally told him I loved him in Dope.

I totally woke up to find a man in my bed. I totally would have saved time by walking along the water to the end of the Everything Else line. I totally got in line at 5:20 next to the IMDboat. I totally met two teen girls who had never been to a con before. The Ballroom 20 line was totally shorter than I'd ever seen it in the morning. I totally sent Rob Thomas pictures of Alisha as Liv Moore. We totally got Psych pineapple pins. We totally told Timothy Omundson to suck it. The Psych cast totally cast each other as superheroes. We totally sang along to the theme song. Robert Buckley totally gave Eric Goldman a Killer Abs shirt. Rose McIver totally wore the Killer Abs shirt. Rahul Kohli totally did not wear the Killer Abs shirt. Robert Knepper totally made a video appearance to announce he would totally be a series regular. David Anders totally sang the first line of "You'll Be Back." The Eduardo Risso signing totally had wristbands but there was no line so it totally didn't matter. Eduardo Risso was totally flattered by how much I loved his artistic contribution to 100 Bullets. I totally re-bought the Lying Cat shirt. There was totally a family of Saga cosplayers with a baby Hazel and kid Hazel. Marguerite Bennett totally thought Batman was a bad guy who felt bad about being bad and so he fought bad guys. A Jewish woman was totally thankful for the Jewish representation in Gotham City Bombshells. Ryan North was totally adorably flustered upon discovering Marguerite Bennett had named an Animosity character after him. I totally congratulated Ryan North on another successful Kickstarter. mycenae had totally given me her extra Legion panel fulfillment ticket so I totally went back to the Hyatt to get fulfilled. The Legion shirt was totally simple but totally comfortable. I totally danced the Legion dance in Legion. Animosity totally sounded cool and Ryan North totally thought I'd like it so I totally bought it and got Marguerite Bennett to sign it. Daryl Gregory totally could not promote Spoonbenders any better than "Arrested Development but they're psychic." Jackson Lanzing and Collin Kelly and Nathan Gooden totally signed my Zojaqan #1. The woman wearing Danielle Stokdyk's badge was totally not Danielle Stokdyk. I totally fanboyed the fuck out of iZombie writer Josh Bellina, who writes the totally hilarious chapter titles. Kate Leth totally signed my "All books are girl books" shirt. foresthouse was totally late to our Comic-Con dinner again but now it's totally tradition. foresthouse's boss and boyfriend totally joined us at the Cheesecake Factory. I totally regaled them with tales of my adventures. A Power Ranger was totally talking when I walked into Room 6DE. Jon Bailey, voice of Honest Trailers, totally introduced the Screen Junkies panel. MovieFights totally featured celebrity guests Tony Revolori, Samm Levin, and Doug Benson. Tony Revolori totally led the audience in a round of "Penis!" "Parker!" Doug Benson was totally high but totally made a good argument against Human Centipede cosplay. We totally got to see an Honest Trailer for The Incredible Hulk with alternate jokes. The Hilton Bayfront was totally hopping post-Eisners. I totally told Tracy the story of how I met Dahlia. Dahlia's friend Vijay totally had an X-Files tattoo. I totally tried to introduce Tracy to Ryan North but I totally failed. I also totally failed to talk to Phil LaMarr. Tracy and I totally talked to Shannon Wheeler's son. Berkeley is totally possibly amoral.

I totally sat in the 5AB line next to the two people who watch Halt and Catch Fire. Roxane Gay totally hasn't seen Wonder Woman but totally recommends a show she calls "Chopped for blade makers." I totally did not ask Roxane Gay her Fast and Furious movie rankings. A man on the mezzanine was totally promoting swordfights on the terrace so I totally went outside. A whole bunch of Star Wars cosplayers were totally gathered. A bunch of men in actual steel armor totally fought each other in the San Diego heat. The Mystery Knight was totally Deadpool. I totally met Aprotim and Lauren and a much older Ashima in the same place we'd met on the floor three years ago. Dave Porter totally Saulified the Breaking Bad theme before being told to do a completely different style. Kyle Dixon totally didn't tell his friends he did the music for Stranger Things. I totally told the composers of Stranger Things my brother loved the music. The composers of Stranger Things totally could not name synthwave bands they liked. I totally got a Better Call Saul soundtrack for asking a question and Dave Porter totally signed it. I totally left Room 9 to try to get into Room 7AB but then I couldn't get into either of them so I totally chilled. Room 25ABC totally cleared out after the Monster Hunter panel. I totally congratulatd Ryan North on winning Eisners. People totally clapped in appreciation for my praise of Sana Amanat. Sana Amanat totally thinks she's one of the most important people in comics. Rainbow Rowell totally thanked me for praising her in front of her boss. I totally told Sana Amanat about UFISP. Eduardo Risso totally gave his spotlight panel in Spanish. I guess my question for him was totally untranslatable because he totally had no answer. I totally followed a Morty to the epic line for the Rick and Morty event in Petco Park. The Pop Culture Meseeks totally asked a guy why he was wearing a Monsters University hat if he didn't go to Monsters University. I totally hung out with a Rick name Boris. I totally chose the Rick mask with an eyepatch. The Pickle Rick shirt was totally $30 and totally just Pickle Rick on a shirt. The hosts of the event were totally not funny. Dan Harmon and Justin Roiland totally came out for like only five seconds. It was totally fun to watch Rick and Morty with 4,000 other fans. We totally saw the second episode of the new season before everyone else. I totally did not talk to Rainbow Rowell at the Hilton Bayfront. I totally did not talk to anyone at the Hyatt.

The 7AB line was totally short. I was totally surrounded by nerrrrrrds. Sexist dudes behind me totally thought Batgirl was added to the animated series to make girls watch...and their dads watch. I totally entered a Buffy conversation by correcting a man's misquoting of Giles's famous surprise entrance line. Paul Dini totally stopped going to philosophy class to avoid an ex-girlfriend but totally graduated thanks to cartooning credits. Paul Dini's favorite cartoon dog is totally Goofy. Bruce Timm totally had no moderator. People asking questions totally loved Justice League: Gods and Monsters. The audience totally applauded for my statement that for many people Batman: The Animated Series was the definitive version of Batman and Joker and such. Bruce Timm totally thought I was baiting him by asking how it felt to see all these new live-action versions of characters he'd worked so closely with. Deadpool totally stood up and asked when he was going to get his chance at Deadshot but Bruce Timm totally told him to wait in line like everyone else. Edward Gross and Mark A. Altman totally talked to Buffy people for their oral history book. David Greenwalt totally told Glenn Quinn that he was a serial killer and he would kill his character. Armin Shimerman totally got the part of Snyder by being a jerk. I totally bought an art book from Michael Manomivibul, an artist I've totally run into a couple times. He totally said we should meet for coffee. Nidhi Chanani totally took a couple of her precious free minutes to talk to me. Seanan totally would have been prom queen if she were made of acid and knives. Alien/Predator fans totally care about alien biology. Seanan totally gave me a Brightest Fell ARC. I totally made it harder for Pris to find me by wearing my Rick mask. I totally dared to eat a peach. Lobster deviled eggs totally drew me to New York West. Alisha and I totally ran into Megan Whalen Turner on the way back from dinner. I totally watched Game of Thrones on HBO GO before I got spoiled. Alisha totally saw me in scrubs for the first time.

At the airport a woman and I were totally wearing the same Legion shirt.
Current Mood: hungryhungry
Current Music: Linkin Park - Waiting for the End

(Describe me as "inscrutable")


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