I totally went through the TSA Pre-Check line in Oakland and it was glorious. A package from John Joseph Adams containing tons of WDSF postcards to hand out and a signed copy of Robot Uprisings was totally waiting for me at the hotel. We totally ran into Rachel Caine on our way to pick up badges. I totally traded my Arrow bag for an iZombie bag. I totally waited ninety minutes in the Marvel merch line to buy things for friends so I totally bought myself an awesome S.H.I.E.L.D./HYDRA shirt. I totally greenscreened myself into the Guardians of the Galaxy lineup. I totally got an exclusive Gloom promo card that only works for an expansion I don't have. John Layman totally remembered me from Twitter and meeting him every year. I totally bought a gold foil cover of "Warrior Chicken Poyo" for me and Alisha. I totally congratulated David Mack on having an awesome art show and a bigass art book. Maya and Liz and Becca and Helen and I totally met at the ruins of Pinkberry. Maya totally complimented Liz on her awesome skirt without realizing who she was. Maya totally went home because she was totally going to get in the Ballroom 20 line super early, and we totally went to Chocolat Cremerie for crepes and gelato. For dinner I totally had a Nutella crepe with strawberry gelato and a side of casual racism.
The Vanellope cosplayer who built her own car was totally one of the best cosplays I saw all weekend. Maya and I totally snagged seats right next to the microphone and totally warned off dozens of people from sitting in seats with a totally obstructed view. I totally ran into Christy's friend Brigit and then totally met my Twitter friend Amber. Kiefer Sutherland is totally charming and probably never points guns at people and yells. I totally kept taking bathroom passes to go down to the exhibit hall during panels. Cody Vrosh totally recognized me from buying two ties from him and I totally bought a third one to wear to the Hugos. I totally met Ben H. Winters and got him to sign all three Last Policeman books, which I am totally excited to read. Rachelle LeFevre was totally dressed as Starbuck. I totally got Roc Upchurch to sign every character in a special fold-out cover of Rat Queens #6 for me and a totally cool tea party poster for Alisha. On my way back to Ballroom 20 I totally ran into Emily because that is what totally happens to me at Comic-Con. I totally walked into a scene in the pilot of Scorpion where people were literally hacking a plane by physically connecting a laptop to it while driving a few feet underneath it. Robert Patrick thinks you should totally be scared of him. Reign totally does not care about historical accuracy but Adelaide Kane is totally delightful. Dino Stamatopoulos totally hawked his graphic novel Trent again. I totally don't know whether he has a public persona or he is actually that much of a weirdo. Dan Harmon is totally glad he can finally push that anti-vaxx message he couldn't do on NBC. HuffPo totally Tweeted about Dan Harmon's "long monologue" and Dan totally read it out loud. Gillian Jacobs totally kept interrupting everyone and Jim Rash totally put her in time-out. I totally told Jim Rash I loved The Descendants and The Way Way Back, and Aprotim totally cheered for my very existence but tried to pass it off as enthusiasm for the movies. I totally asked Dan Harmon how they keep a consistent narrative when they jump genres every week, and Dan Harmon totally doesn't know. They totally blow their own minds. Two Human Beings totally tried to ask a question. Helen was totally Catwoman. I totally ran into mycenae on her way out of Ballroom 20 because we always find each other every year without fail even though we never plan it. The shrieking of the Teen Wolf fandom totally made my ears bleed. The Teen Wolf Q&A line totally formed so quickly that the fandom should totally be harnessed as a source of energy. A girl totally broke down crying talking to Dylan O'Brien and he totally came down to give her his placard and a hug. Jonathan Ross was totally a good moderator in comparison to the several terrible moderators for previous panels. Bryan Fuller totally considers himself and his crew "Thomas Harris mash-up DJs." Chilton is totally not dead. I totally thanked Caroline Dhavernas and Bryan Fuller for Jaye Tyler and said that Jaye Tyler was my Ravenstag and Caroline Dhavernas totally said, "Aw." I totally asked Bryan Fuller if anime had influenced the style of Hannibal and it totally had. I totally got a Wonderfalls shirt and a wax lion and a signed Hannibal poster for asking a question. Raul Esparza totally tried to match his face on the screen with a woman wearing a Raul Esparza mask. The Hannibal panel was overall totally amazing with totally hilarious and insightful Q&A. I totally cloned myself. Jackson Lanzing totally introduced me to his Boom! editor and welcomed me to the wide wide world of writers. I totally geeked out about Korra with Noelle Stevenson. I totally met Carrie Sessarego, who is totally going to write an introduction to my first published short story. Cinnamon lemonade is totally a thing that exists. I totally finally met Tonya's sister Rebecca at Nerd HQ. Aprotim and I totally climbed a skyscraper for reals. I totally listened to Linkin Park from the gate.
I totally wanted to grab Discount Armageddon from a girl and get Seanan to sign it for her. I totally got my signing tickets from Image with no problem thanks to Seanan's ~*disability privilege*~. I totally bought Rae a variant Ghostbusters print from Gallery 1988, acquired a poster tube, and shipped it to her because I am totally a Comic-Con Favor Ninja. Brian K. Vaughan is totally super nice. He totally has a childhood friend named Sunil Patel and he totally wrote a message in my Y: The Last Man trade and called me his pal. He totally destroyed my theory that he was responsible for the Lost team negotiating an end date when he arrived. Matt Fraction totally recognized me from Twitter and said he liked my e-presence. Chip Zdarsky totally felt me up for our picture. I totally met Hal Lublin a.k.a. Steve Carlsberg. I totally lost Gloom but I will totally be in Tigermonkey's triumphant vlog of our game. Thumbelisa is totally having an affair with Mister Giggles. We totally consulted Keith Baker himself on a rules question. Discovering her through the Machine of Death podcast recordings is totally Nika Harper's favorite origin story. John Scalzi totally gave me a high five for selling my first story. You should totally make it a Scalzi Summer. Patrick Rothfuss was totally there. Jeffrey Cranor totally said it was nice to see me but I totally did not know there was a huge line for the Night Vale signing. I totally walked right into the Fiona Staples panel. Fiona Staples's favorite color is totally yellow. Brian K. Vaughan totally asks Fiona Staples what creatures and worlds she would like to draw and whether there should be more jokes. I totally ran into Greg van Eekhout in Sails Pavilion and met his wife. He totally introduced me as That Guy Who Spoke Out About That Nebulas Panel. I totally waited in the Marvel merch line again to get sophia_helix a female Thor tumbler. A man totally wanted a men's female Thor shirt to show his support and I totally handed him a Women Destroy Science Fiction postcard. I totally walked all the way to the Manchester Grand Hyatt and up four floors to get totally awesome Hannibal swag: an exclusive DVD sleeve and soundtrack sampler. I totally chatted with some attendees and gave them Comic-Con tips and my card. One girl was totally impressed with the stripes on the back. My traditional Asian fusion dinner with Erin totally continued the tradition of good food and bad service. I totally went to the Hilton Bayfront to see Greg van Eekhout and other writers and instead totally found the post-Eisners crowd. Amy Dallen is totally embarrassed that the origin story of our friendship involves her cutting in line. I just totally chilled with Matt Fraction like we were buds and he totally introduced me to someone. Brian K. Vaughan totally said it was nice to see me again and shook my hand. Cecil Castelluci totally remembered meeting me at that same panel where I met Margaret Dunlap and Sarah Watson and other Middlefolk. Matt Fraction totally noticed when I looked like my Twitter icon. Gabriel Bá and Fabio Moon were totally there too. I totally told Kelly Sue DeConnick that I loved her WDSF interview and I liked her as a person. I totally introduced Dahlia to Brian K. Vaughan. Fiona Staples totally thanked me for sitting through the Eisners even though I didn't. Dahlia totally knows Amy Dallen. Noelle Stevenson totally waved to me out on the dark balcony.
I totally got in line way too early for Room 7AB but totally got a front-row seat. Dahlia totally caught up on the last three issues of Saga in preparation for the panel. A kid totally asked to borrow my Saga #21 to catch up himself. Dahlia totally knew that kid's mom. I totally met Greg Weisman and said I was a huge Gargoyles fan. Sherri L. Smith was totally awesome on the Diversity in Genre Lit panel and now I totally want to read Orleans. Gene Luen Yang totally said that even if you don't care about diversity on a political or social level, you should totally care about it on a craft level because you can totally tell more interesting stories. Brent Spiner totally pretended to be Matthew McCounaghey and did the Data head tilt. We totally saw a cute robot named Jimmy and were totally advised not to download the World Domination app. Robots totally run on the Robot Operating System (ROS). Daniel H. Wilson totally mused on whatever is nukier than a nuke. Fiona Staples totally spoiled the last three issues of Saga ten minutes into the panel. Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples totally give each other credit where credit is due and maybe even when credit is not due. I totally asked Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples about the challenges of writing Hazel. An older woman across the aisle wearing a Lying Cat shirt was totally excited to see another person wearing a Lying Cat shirt, and a man at that. I totally gave no shits about the Endgame panel but it was totally bullshit that James Frey was on the panel and his co-writer was in the audience. The Strong Female Characters panel was not totally transcendent but I totally enjoyed it. Fiona Staples totally designed a robot groin that looked too much like a vagina. Sara Mayhew totally defended the aspects of Bella Swann that appealed to young girls but totally wanted a more fleshed-out character. My Twitter friend Hallie totally saved me a sweet spot in the Daniel H. Wilson line. Daniel H. Wilson totally did not guarantee my safety from the sentient robots but he totally gave me a free copy of Robogenesis. Seth Green totally passed us. It was totally Hallie's first celebrity sighting. I totally thanked Jim Cheung for Kate Bishop. I totally met Janet K. Lee, artist of The Wonderland Alphabet, which is totally becoming my default baby gift the way Gloom is totally my default wedding gift. I totally saw Lamb for the first time in years. Two girls I met at the Veronica Mars Fan Event last year were totally in the Rob Thomas signing line. Rob totally gave me real-life congratulations on my first sale. I totally talked about my first experience with the Machine of Death game with David Malki ! I totally got five separate Hacktivist autographs on five separate occasions. I totally ran into Tavis on my way out of the convention center. Olivia totally rocked that pink wig. Royal India is totally becoming somewhat of a Comic-Con tradition. Carrie and Doc and Olivia and I totally maybe had dinner next to the Black Ranger. I totally had a celebratory milkshake at Ghirardelli. Margaret totally declared my suggestion of the collective noun "a jackass of Hitlers" to be the quality of wit she would expect from a published writer. I was totally too tired to go to SlamCon.
I totally had crunchy French toast for breakfast. I totally had an even easier time getting tickets for the Image signing and totally made it to the Marvel merch line before they capped it. I totally got the autograph of a security guard. I totally waited over ninety minutes to get a Captain America hoodie for a friend. Maya totally told Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples that I got her into Saga. Brian K. Vaughan totally said, "Sunil! Hey!" and signed my first Saga trade with "Your pal." An adorable kid totally asked Pseudonymous Bosch if that was his real name. I totally got an ARC of Bad Magic just for waiting in line for the signing. I totally told Pseudonymous Bosch the story of how I discovered his books and he was totally hipster cool about it. Jules Rivera was totally awesome on the Superheroines: Power, Responsibility, and Representation panel and now I totally want to read Valkyrie Squad. The panel was totally half women of color. Dr. Andrea Letamendi totally turned the American Ninja Warrior story into a metaphor for women's struggles. I totally told them it was one of the best panels at the con. Stephen Blackmoore totally said, "Hey, I know that guy!" when he saw me. A man totally turned to me and asked if I was Sunil Patel, and it was totally one of my Genius Loci TOCmates. I totally almost missed meeting Stephen Blackmoore but we were glad to confirm that we were both real people. I totally found Kate at the Disney/Hyperion booth and bothered her until too many people wanted to buy books. I totally saved her a seat in 6DE for the Harry Potter fan panel. Mark totally found about Mallory Ortberg's "Harry Potter and the Philosophies of Objectivism" and read from it right there. Mark totally thanked me for getting him to meet Mallory on his birthday. The panel totally became 100% about Ronbledore for a few minutes. Maya totally showed off her shirt. Mark was totally afraid Helen was going to ask him a trolly question but we totally left that up to Maya, who totally asked whether, if Harry went to Detroit City, he would be with Batman or Robocop. Mark totally did not answer the question. One of the panelists totally used to follow me on LiveJournal. I totally ate a chocolate pie from a Mark Does Stuff person dressed as Ned the Piemaker. I totally invited this stranger and non-stranger Helen up to my room and to dinner. We totally marveled at a man's ability to pack seven dolls into one box and have it not cost seven times the shipping for one doll. I totally payed $9.75 to ship home a free poster. Mojo Jojo and his robot minions were totally Irish stepping in the Irish pub. Olivia totally said I would be punished. Seanan and Olivia totally plotted to murder me. That night they totally smothered me with pillows.
Hallie totally sat behind Seanan and Olivia and me on our flight home.