Kelsey and I totally drove over to San Antonio from Houston while listening to Welcome to Night Vale. I totally passed by George R.R. Martin on the way to pick up my badge. I totally got two free books just for coming. I totally met Chuck Wendig and Mur Lafferty without even trying. Seanan totally has ALL THE RIBBONS. I totally had lots of fried food with Seanan and family and friends. Boston in 2020 totally threw a Christmas party in August. Jesi was totally dressed as an elf. Chris Garcia totally wore TARDIS shoes.
Kelsey totally came down the stairs as Catie and I were about to leave for breakfast, and we totally became a Mark Does Stuff trio. We totally spent a lot of time just reading books together. Hughes the Force was totally mediocre. The Exhibit Hall totally had the actual TARDIS console from the movie. The Dealer's Room is totally a trap. I totally signed Chris Garcia's yearbook. I totally met George R.R. Martin and did not say anything he has not heard a million times before. The first Worldcon panel I went to—Buffy 10 years later—was totally the worst panel I went to. I totally met Buffista chrismg. George R.R. Martin totally signed my books but did not personalize them. Saladin Ahmed totally chose me to read with him at this Worldcon reading. Seanan totally told Tor editors that I was awesome. The second Worldcon panel I went to—Sci-Fi in Music—was totally better, thanks to The Jesi and Chris Garcia Show. Paul Cornell totally got into the Texas spirit as Toastmaster. Seanan totally gave me a shout-out before performing "The Ghost of Lilly Kane." The mythology in comics panelists totally pulled two people from the audience onto the panel and they were totally smart and insightful. Scully's hair is totally like a jewel. Mark totally ruined all our lives with a Batman/Robocop fic. James Bacon is totally Irish and totally knows someone else named Sunil.
I totally received more comments on my Lying Cat shirt than on any shirt I have ever worn ever, even from people who didn't know who it was. Saladin Ahmed totally heard my name in the lobby and coordinated with me about his reading. There are totally a lot of graphic novels I should be reading. I totally won a copy of The Blue Blazes by impressing Chuck Wendig with the neologistic profanity "cuntsnickers." I totally saw Leslie for the first time since graduating Rice in 2003 and she is totally envious of my con lifestyle. I totally saw Julia for the first time since Boston ice cream adventures in 2009 and she has totally awesome hair. I totally saw Fran for the first time since Ferry Building adventures in December 2010 and she totally gave a lovely reading. Wesley Chu was totally hilarious and animated. Seanan is totally one of Cat Valente's favorite people. Gail Carriger totally brought Adam Christopher tea. I totally recorded something for Julia's anthology's Kickstarter. Mary Robinette Kowal totally played with a shadow puppet I made. I totally gave her a signed copy of The Bow. I totally made Kelsey buy a bunch of Chuck Wendig books and get them signed. I totally resisted buying Wesley Chu's book because I didn't have room in my luggage. I totally ran into Cassie's cousin Chris in Seanan's signing line. George R.R. Martin totally read a chapter from The Winds of Winter. Seanan totally tried to prove the existence of God at the cost of all our lives. Paul Cornell totally made an amazing Welcome to Night Vale reference on the SF Squeecast. Thomas Olde Heuvelt is totally a Dutch Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Stina Leicht's three favorite words are totally "Dare to suck." I totally saw Emily for the first time since MBS adventures in 2005 or 2006 and she is totally married to a colleague of mine from grad school. We were totally underdressed for Sandbar but were still served amazing fish and chips, bread, and key lime pie anyway. I totally hung out with Fran's posse at the Tor party. Fran's editor, Miriam, is totally cool. Brandon Sanderson was totally right there but I didn't meet him. I totally waved to John Scalzi and he waved back. I totally Thomas Olde Heuvelt that I liked his Hugo-nominated novelette. Tanya Huff was totally in our hotel room. I totally learned how to get a wife with starvation and misery and/or buying one with Guinness.
Lynne M. Thomas totally declared that geeks really did won the culture war. I totally got advice on how to write a short story from seasoned, award-winning short story writers. Fran totally picked up the moderator stick for the Food in Science Fiction and Fantasy panel. The winning food was totally Dino-Chicken. Nancy Kress totally read from her untitled novella. Brandon Sanderson was totally late to his signing/early to his signing because he totally thought it was an hour later. Mary Robinette Kowal totally told us he hates fish and totally entertained us with an emergency puppet. Brandon Sanderson is totally sweet and friendly and totally told me to go support Fran instead of going to his reading. Emily—I totally know a lot of Emilys—totally read from her children's book about Chinese musical instruments. Mark has totally gotten good at eating and sleeping. Steven Gould, president of SFWA, totally made funny faces while replicating bad book cover poses. Teresa Nielsen Hayden totally bashed Rob Liefeld over and over. George R.R. Martin totally shot a ray gun at Fran, and he totally would have shot one at me if I had hung around with her earlier. Fran totally ended on a literal cliffhanger in her Impossible Futures reading. Mark totally kept bringing up race and class issues on the leisure societies panel because no one else would. I totally had fried lobster tail and Belgian fries because Texas is totally about frying things. The elevator line was totally ridiculous so we totally just read in the lobby.
I totally woke up early to stand in line Comic-Con-style to sign up for Kaffeeklatsches with John Scalzi and Mary Robinette Kowal. Charlaine Harris totally has no fucks to give about anything. I totally gave my first Worldcon reading in front of a crowd of about 40 people. People totally told me my play was excellent and fun and amazing. Saladin Ahmed was totally the only person who did voices in his reading. John Scalzi totally remembered me and cackled upon hearing that Mark would be reading The Android's Dream. I totally made Mark buy the book for him to sign "Bwa ha ha ha!" Mary Robinette Kowal was totally late to her Kaffeeklatsch but we totally entertained ourselves by talking about spaceships and Brandon Sanderson. Mary totally made amazing comparisons between the rules of puppetry and writing. John Scalzi's reading was totally standing room only. John Scalzi was totally late to his Kaffeeklatsch but we totally entertained ourselves by talking about things. John Scalzi is totally bi-cola. I was totally sitting right across from him and he was always totally looking at me and pointing when telling amusing stories. I totally met a San Francisco writer, Effie, who had just finished a snarky fantasy novel. Kelsey was totally second in line for the Hugo Awards. Mark totally looked dapper in the first suit he had ever worn. Paul Cornell totally made hilarious jokes about the Campbell Award and publisher mergers and important statements about racial and sexual harassment and the Old White Dude make-up of fandom. Seanan totally won another Hugo for SF Squeecast. She has totally been a fan longer than she's been a professional human. I was totally disappointed when my friends didn't win Hugos even though my second choices won instead. Jay Lake's daughter totally let me into the photo room to take pictures of Hugo winners. I totally held Seanan's Hugo and it was totally fucking heavy. I totally obsessed over the Hugo statistics with rufinia. I totally ran into Mark and his posse on my way down and their way up. Miriam totally gives good high-fives. I totally real-life moderated her by deleting her comment about the English dub of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. I totally slept with a Hugo on my nightstand.
I totally congratulated Mur Lafferty on her Campbell win. I totally ran into her more than anyone else at the con so it was totally a sign that she was the next big thing. Chuck Wendig totally told me to find him on Facebook so I could show him the Miriam Black shirt on Threadless. Lynne M. Thomas totally thought she knew my name because I had submitted to Apex but it was probably because Seanan talks about me. Mark totally wanted to talk about Pacific Rim for the entire panel about summer blockbusters. I totally introduced Emily to Mark because connecting cool people is totally what I do. We totally walked in oppressive heat to a food truck for lunch and it was totally closed on Mondays. It was totally okay though because we totally had smoky chipotle tuna quesadillas and enchiladas and played Serpientes y Escaleras on our table with found objects and a Dice app. I totally won with my lemon. I totally got a Chris Garcia Hug (tm). Hugo winner John Scalzi totally said, "Hey," to me on the sidewalk. I was totally attacked by a Dalek. We totally praised Paul Cornell's Toastmastering and Hugo hosting. I totally introduced Effie to Miriam because connecting cool people is totally what I do especially when said cool people are writers and editors. Worldcon volunteer Jenifer totally joined us for dinner. We totally talked about our careers at dinner like real adults who eat shrimp nachos. The ice cream place was totally open. Miriam and Catie totally geeked out over anime. Kelsey and Catie and I totally hung out in my hotel room reading books by Seanan McGuire and J.K. Rowling. I totally hit an "Oooh fuck" moment in Velveteen vs. the Multiverse right before Catie hit an "Oooh fuck" moment in Discount Armageddon. The crying baby in the other room was totally reading Newsflesh. I totally said hi to Effie and totally ended up in a conversation with Kim Stanley Robinson. I totally maybe convinced him to get a smartphone just for the Dice app. I totally saw George R.R. Martin a bunch of times but never got a picture with him.
I totally chatted with another Bay Area writer, Effie's con-husband, Arley, and he totally invited me to write with him at coffee shops. Kelsey and I totally listened to more Welcome to Night Vale on the way to Houston. My flight from Austin was totally delayed and I was totally rebooked. My luggage totally made it. My cabbie was totally an asshole. I totally need to write more fiction.