But because I'm not into two-sentence posts, this post is padded with an amusing IM conversation. Since I still need to pay my rent, I applied for a job at a local bookstore, the name of which I will not disclose so as to not have to flock this post. After I got past the basic questions, the application got rather...interesting. Luckily, jeeperstseepers was around.
This conversation has been edited for content. It has been formatted to fit your screen.
Spectral Bovine: Well, this is interesting:
The following are statements about many attitudes and experiences. Read each statement and select the answer that best describes you. Work quickly - choose the answer that comes to mind first.
Tseeps: Someone from GG MM once applied for a job at [bookstore].
Spectral Bovine: What the fuck, dude?
Spectral Bovine: There's no neutral.
Tseeps: What's the question?
Spectral Bovine: "You like to be alone."
Tseeps: What test is this?
Spectral Bovine: Also, who in their right minds would actually put "Disagree" for "You keep calm when under stress"?
Tseeps: I love when Betty was doing the Myers Briggs on Mason. The whole forest/trees thing.
Spectral Bovine: Heh.
Tseeps: I hate the Myers Briggs. Hate it.
Spectral Bovine: I probably don't keep calm under stress. But I'm not going to say that on a goddamn job application.
Tseeps: What a stupid waste of space to put that on their application.
Spectral Bovine: I've decided I "disagree" on liking to be alone.
Spectral Bovine: Cause agreeing would mean I was, like, a terrorist, I think.
Spectral Bovine: HOLY SHIT.
Spectral Bovine: THERE ARE 37 PAGES OF THIS.
Spectral Bovine: What the fuck?!
Tseeps: A terrorist. Hee.
Tseeps: It sounds like a fun application.
Spectral Bovine: Being a [bookstore] cashier is quiet and predictable, right?
Spectral Bovine: Stupid lack of neutral option.
Spectral Bovine: Dammit, where's the cheat sheet?
Tseeps: Go into a few [bookstore]..es...and survey the people. Ask them what they answered on their applications.
Spectral Bovine: Heh.
Tseeps: Come on genius, what's the plural of [bookstore]?
Spectral Bovine: There are like over a hundred questions on this thing. I doubt I'd remember what I answered on most of them.
Spectral Bovine: [bookstore]eseseseses.
Spectral Bovine: Oh!
Spectral Bovine: I answered one honestly OH SNAP.
Spectral Bovine: I am not always cheerful! I will not lie! NO ONE IS ALWAYS CHEERFUL.
Tseeps: I hate people who are always cheerful.
Spectral Bovine: Am I unsure of what to say when I meet someone? Yes I am.
Tseeps: You are?
Spectral Bovine: You think I'm not?
Tseeps: Doesn't "Hi, nice to meet you" generally work?
Tseeps: It's after that that I'm stuck.
Spectral Bovine: I don't think that counts.
Tseeps: Usually I stand awkwardly and listen to everyone else converse.
Spectral Bovine: Yep, me too.
Tseeps: You confuse me.
Spectral Bovine: How so?
Spectral Bovine: Compared to others your age, you have achieved a lot
Spectral Bovine: Um...have I?
Spectral Bovine: I just feel like I have a lot of school and not much accomplishment.
Spectral Bovine: I will only agree, so as to appear modest.
Tseeps: Don't forget the first part: compared to others your age.
Spectral Bovine: I work hard at what I do. NOT.
Spectral Bovine: Who would put "Strongly disagree" on that?
Tseeps: You do.
Spectral Bovine: Why is that even an option?
Spectral Bovine: WHY IS THERE NO NEUTRAL OPTION? I don't know whether I work better with my hands or my...what the hell, my hands suck.
Spectral Bovine: My mind is all I have.
Spectral Bovine: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Spectral Bovine: There's no use having close friends; they always let you down
Tseeps: Your hands or your what?
Spectral Bovine: Mind.
Tseeps: Ah, ok.
Tseeps: Because when you trailed off after hands...
Tseeps: I had to remember this was a [bookstore] app.
Spectral Bovine: Haaa.
Spectral Bovine: Yes, I feel tense when someone watches me work. Stop watching me!
Tseeps: This is a really stupid application.
Spectral Bovine: It really, really is.
Spectral Bovine: I don't know how they expect to screen applicants from this.
Spectral Bovine: I mean, a 500-word essay of "Why I want to work at [bookstore]" would work better.
Spectral Bovine: I LOVE BOOKS. HIRE ME GODDAMMIT.
Tseeps: I almost started asking one of the girls at Sephora today what the job is like. How weird would that be, going from a PhD program in Neuropsychology to working at Sephora?
Tseeps: I would love to work at [bookstore].
Spectral Bovine: It will be almost as weird as someone with a Master's working at [bookstore].
Spectral Bovine: I know! Me too! It would be fun!
Tseeps: At least [bookstore] is books.
Spectral Bovine: It would be weirder if I worked at Potbelly, which I'm also applying to.
Tseeps: I'd be playing with makeup all day. Seriously, I get breathless just thinking about it. Oh man, to work part time at Sephora and part time at [bookstore]? I'd die from the joy of it.
Spectral Bovine: Then do it.
Tseeps: What's Potbelly? Some sort of food-related job, I imagine?
Spectral Bovine: Yeah, a sandwich place. Yummy.
Spectral Bovine: When under pressure, you think about all that can go wrong
Spectral Bovine: Um...I think I should disagree with this.
Tseeps: It's good to think about all the things that can go wrong so you can avoid them.
My friend brought up my old idea for a store the other day. I didn't think anyone remembered.
Spectral Bovine: Oh snap. Maybe you're right.
Spectral Bovine: It is easy for you to ignore small problems
Spectral Bovine: Crap, this is ambiguous.
Tseeps: It really is. This is an evil application. It was written by the Devil.
Tseeps: Satan and his minions sat in a little office smoking and laughing.
Spectral Bovine: Does it mean, "I can ignore small pitfalls and continue unabated" or "I can ignore small problems until they grow into large problems and blow up in my face"?
Spectral Bovine: I think...disagree works for both of them. Ish.
Tseeps: Maybe it means "I can ignore small problems I have with my annoying superiors." Which they'd see as a good thing.
Spectral Bovine: He he he.
Spectral Bovine: Wait, shit.
Tseeps: Ok, here's what you do:
Tseeps: You fill out the application two or three ways and submit them under different names.
Spectral Bovine: Ha ha ha ha.
Spectral Bovine: I was thinking about that.
Spectral Bovine: But you have to put your SSN.
Tseeps: Oh, bother.
Spectral Bovine: You feel lively and energetic at parties
Spectral Bovine: WHAT?
Spectral Bovine: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
Tseeps: First of all, that is the gayest thing ever.
Spectral Bovine: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Tseeps: Second of all WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
Spectral Bovine: DISAGREE. I SAVE ALL MY LIVELINESS AND ENERGY FOR THE WORKPLACE.
Tseeps: I think with questions like that they're trying to avoid getting freaky sociopaths who want a job like [bookstore] because they avoid human contact.
Tseeps: They want someone who is socially healthy.
Spectral Bovine: Crap, I should put agree then, huh.
Spectral Bovine: AND LIE.
Tseeps: It's just that when I picture a guy being "lively" and "energetic" at a party, I don't know...it's weird.
Spectral Bovine: Depends on the nature of the party.
Spectral Bovine: Heh.
Spectral Bovine: Maybe I should only agree and not strongly agree that I am a quiet person.
Tseeps: Are you really a quiet person?
Spectral Bovine: I am, really.
Tseeps: I did expect you to talk more on the phone.
Tseeps: To direct the conversation and whatnot.
Spectral Bovine: Sorry.
Spectral Bovine: You are not afraid to tell someone off
Spectral Bovine: I think I'm supposed to agree with this.
Spectral Bovine: Most people are easy to get along with
Spectral Bovine: Haaaaaaa. And this.
Tseeps: Maybe the easiest thing would be to just tell the truth rather than try to figure out what they want.
Spectral Bovine: It would be.
Spectral Bovine: It is now a combination of honesty and making shit up.
Tseeps: Do you have to apply for a specific [bookstore]?
Spectral Bovine: I'm applying to the one within walking distance.
Tseeps: I wish there were a [bookstore] near me.
Tseeps: There aren't any in locations convenient to me.
Spectral Bovine: You could describe yourself as 'tidy'
Spectral Bovine: I found a gayer question.
Tseeps: That's tough. See, I'm tidy. But my room and all my belongings aren't.
Tseeps: Would you describe yourself as tidy?
Spectral Bovine: Yeeeah, I agreed. But not strongly. *looks at piles of crap on floor*
Spectral Bovine: Organized chaos is my way.
Spectral Bovine: You are lively and talkative
Spectral Bovine: Whee!
Tseeps: You regularly break out in showtunes and tapdance.
Spectral Bovine: That's on the next page.
Tseeps: You actually do regularly break out in showtunes, don't you.
Spectral Bovine: You swear when you argue
Spectral Bovine: HAAAAA.
Spectral Bovine: Can't fucking argue with that.
Tseeps: Strongly Agree?
Tseeps: You swear when you anything.
Spectral Bovine: I think that might scare them away.
Spectral Bovine: He he he he.
Spectral Bovine: I have had discussions without swearing! Sometimes.
Tseeps: When you were two?
Spectral Bovine: You are not interested in your friends' problems
Spectral Bovine: You do not like to meet new people
Tseeps: You like to sit in a dark room and fantasize about killing people
Spectral Bovine: Your friends and family approve of the things you do
Spectral Bovine: I don't think my family's opinion counts.
Tseeps: THAT is an unfair quesiton.
Spectral Bovine: I'm totally fucking them up.
Spectral Bovine: Because...I don't like to be alone, but I like to be by myself.
Spectral Bovine: I am quiet, but lively and talkative, and I like to talk a lot.
Spectral Bovine: You finish your work no matter what
Okay, so I try, but I mean, if I break my legs, I'm not going to go out of my way to finish up.
Tseeps: Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what they mean. They want to know if you finish your work even if you're dead.
Spectral Bovine: This thing is so stupid.
Tseeps: You know what I really want right now? Pizza. Pizza with mushrooms and onions.
Spectral Bovine: And it's like, they ask the same question in seven different ways.
Tseeps: Very cheeeeeesy pizza. With good sauce.
Spectral Bovine: I had pizza with onions.
Tseeps: Well la-di-da aren't you Mr. Special.
Spectral Bovine: You are a fairly private person
Spectral Bovine: I don't know how to deal with this. Cause...I am and I'm not.
Tseeps: Another trick question. If you say yes, it means you have a secret lair somewhere and no one knows what the hell is going on inside your head.
Tseeps: If you say no, it means you don't respect other people's privacy because you're not sensitive to that issue.
Tseeps: You are so screwed.
Spectral Bovine: You could not deal with difficult people all day
Spectral Bovine: Again: how can someone agree to this if they're going for a customer service position?
Tseeps: AKA: You would be a terrible choice for a job at [bookstore]
Spectral Bovine: You are careful not to offend people
You don't care if you offend people
Spectral Bovine: On the same page!
Tseeps: They're trying to catch you in a lie. Verrrrry clever.
Spectral Bovine: You think of yourself as being very sensible
Spectral Bovine: Actually, I think I'm a CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER WOOOO.
Tseeps: You should choose Strongly Disagree.
Spectral Bovine: Ha ha ha.
Spectral Bovine: Right now, you care more about having fun than being serious at school or work
Spectral Bovine: Okay, that's so true in a way.
Spectral Bovine: But...shh. Don't tell.
Spectral Bovine: You'd rather blend into a crowd than stand out
Spectral Bovine: If I agree, I'm a terrorist.
Tseeps: Nah, I think either way is really fine.
Tseeps: What's your real answer?
Spectral Bovine: Agree.
Spectral Bovine: I like to observe.
Tseeps: But that's a separate issue.
Tseeps: If you could observe while standing out, would you want to stand out?
Spectral Bovine: I was about to invoke Heisenberg.
Spectral Bovine: But then I remembered that I totally want people to notice me.
Spectral Bovine: Not that I seek attention, cause I disagreed on that one.
Tseeps: Just remember, don't lie too much, because at least a couple of these questions are lie-detectors.
Spectral Bovine: Blarg!
Spectral Bovine: So many of the "lies" are ones where it could really go either way, anyway.
Tseeps: Like on Personality inventories or Psych assessments, there are always questions like, "I never ever tell even small lies" are thrown on. If the person answers "true" to that, you know you can't trust anything he says.
Spectral Bovine: Heh.
Tseeps: Pretend that was worded normally and not in completely fucked up sentences.
Spectral Bovine: There have been all these questions like, "Do you have big worries? Do you regret anything?" And it's like, WHO DOESN'T?
Spectral Bovine: It is maddening when the court lets guilty criminals go free
Tseeps: Right, the answer to those questions would be "yes." Or "agree," or whatever.
Tseeps: "maddening"? That's a strong word.
Spectral Bovine: Yeah, and also WTF.
Spectral Bovine: I mean...I guess, yeah, I agree.
Spectral Bovine: Cause...boo.
Tseeps: If it were "upsetting" my answer would be Hell Yeah. But if you say yes to "maddening" does it mean you're crazy?
Spectral Bovine: It means I'm going to kill a judge.
Tseeps: Ah, good point.
Tseeps: This really is an evil application.
Spectral Bovine: Which, I am! Agree.
Spectral Bovine: It so is.
Spectral Bovine: Other people's feelings are their own business
Spectral Bovine: I mean...they can be my business if they need a hug.
Tseeps: Yes: You respect people's privacy and their right to their unique feelings. Or: I don't give a shit about people and don't want to hear about their stupidass feelings.
Spectral Bovine: You always try not to hurt people's feelings
Spectral Bovine: See, my instinctive answer is yes.
Spectral Bovine: But I mean, if I don't like someone...
Tseeps: How often does that happen though?
Spectral Bovine: Not very often.
Spectral Bovine: In groups, someone else usually takes the lead
Spectral Bovine: Ooh.
Spectral Bovine: Tricky.
Tseeps: But this might be one of those pesky lie detectors because of the "always."
Spectral Bovine: Before they asked if I take the lead.
Spectral Bovine: Yeah, that's what I thought as well. But I'll go with my honest instinct like I'm supposed to.
Spectral Bovine: This leading thing has been weird.
Spectral Bovine: Because I've noted that I don't usually take the lead, but I can lead if I want to.
Spectral Bovine: I think my answers might seem confusing.
Tseeps: What kind of leaders do they need to stand behind computers and check if they've got Underwater Basket Weaving for Dummies in stock?
Spectral Bovine: You do not like small talk
Tseeps: It's time for me to go to bed, apparently.
Spectral Bovine: Not yet! Few more pages!
Tseeps: HA. Right.
Spectral Bovine: I don't not like small talk.
Spectral Bovine: Small talk is all the talk there is.
Tseeps: No one likes small talk. It's uncomfortable.
Spectral Bovine: I don't even know what small talk is.
Spectral Bovine: When does small talk become actual talk?
Tseeps: Small talk is when you're standing there with someone you barely know and you're standing there rocking back and forth on your heels talking about the weather and the news.
Tseeps: And then the elevator doors open and you dash out and run away.
Tseeps: Small talk is hell. HELL.
Tseeps: I really do need to go to sleep.
Tseeps: Tell me more funnies tomorrow.
Spectral Bovine: Page 35 of 37!
Tseeps: My eyes are tiiiiiired.
Spectral Bovine: Dammit.
Spectral Bovine: You would rather work on a team than by yourself
Spectral Bovine: I was all set to say, yeah, sure.
Spectral Bovine: But then I remembered I'd said I would rather work alone before.
Tseeps: Night. Have fun.
I bomb your house. Idioth.