September 13th, 2009

Pam of Pain

Your Reject, All-American

Since I wrote this post last year, I have gone through several potential future wives.

I e-mailed with the girl mentioned in the post, and after a few weeks, I didn't really think we were right for each other, but my parents insisted I meet her in person anyway since she was in Oakland. We had an incredibly awkward dinner together, so awkward that at the end she actually said she was sorry I had to do this, and the few minutes where we complained about the whole process were the most natural we were with each other. But there were no sparks of any kind.

I spent a couple good hours with one girl that I wasn't really attracted to but at least gave me hope that I could find an Indian girl with common interests.

Then there was a drought where it was determined that there was not a single Indian girl in the country who was interested in me. Excuse me, whose family was interested in my family. So we took some new pictures at Sears and JCPenney to make me look more attractive.

Earlier this year, I was given a girl who was potentially interesting over e-mail if it weren't for the fact that she took a week to respond. After weeks of e-mailing, we talked on the phone and had a pretty nice conversation. My parents wanted me to make a special trip to Dallas to meet her, but I wasn't that into her. And she wasn't that into me, given that I suddenly got an e-mail declaring that she wanted to make sure we were on the same page, but she sensed a mutual lack of interest, so it was nice meeting me and she wished me well.

My latest potential future wife was a law student in San Francisco who liked Fringe, Incubus, Green Day, Beck, the Postal Service, and Osha Thai. And she had streaks in her hair. She was vaguely promising, much more promising than the local from last year. Her mom and my mom were childhood friends, and the families were both in support of our union. My mom gave me her number to call her. I called her yesterday and got her voicemail, so, unsure of what to say and finding "Hi, call me back" insufficient, I rambled on awkwardly, as I do, joking about the voicemail lady who was going to cut me off eventually and expressing my shared like of the aforementioned things. It could be endearing if you know me, or annoying if you're not into that sort of thing.

Which she apparently wasn't, as today the support of our union was called off. Today, unlike last week, she wants to focus on her studies. Clearly, I left the Worst Voicemail of All Time.

Once again, the continual threat of India is in the air. In India, apparently, the women will be more likely to accept me. I guess they all want to come over to America so it doesn't matter how unappealing I am. I can joke, "Oh, you only want me for my citizenship." Because clearly they wouldn't want me for anything else.

I cried, maybe for the first time about this. For most of my life, I simply dealt with pre-emptive rejection since I never actually made any moves. Now that I am actually talking to girls with a hope of a real future, being rejected over and over is getting to me. This time I was rejected before the girl even talked to me. All I did in my voicemail was be me, and that was enough to scare her off. My dad is telling me to be a grown-up and change my behavior, but why should I fucking change who I am to find a fucking wife? Shouldn't my actual future wife want me for who I am? Shouldn't I be able to just be me? Who the fuck are these women looking for?

As if my own feelings of self-worth weren't enough, my sister texted me that my mom had freaked out and started crying and pray-crying as soon as she hung up the phone, wondering where she went wrong with me. She thinks I don't want to get married, that I'm being difficult to avoid getting married. Which is partly true, as I have told her three million times that I am in no rush to get married but fine I will talk to these girls and see if I like them, so I don't know why she's acting like this is new information. And her friends' kids are getting married, so she must be a failure as a mother since I'm not.

At this point, I feel like pulling a Veronica and declaring that I'm never getting married.

In happier news, I met vonnie_k and oyceter and rilina for dinner, and we had a lovely, rainy time.