March 28th, 2007


Debt in Venice

Dear Polter-Cow,

We are pleased to inform you that you are now debt-free. You did not have nearly the burden that others do, since your parents paid for college and your dad paid the unsubsidized portion of the loan for your last semester of grad school. You only had a mere eight thousand dollars to worry about, which you were paying off slowly and gradually. Then, you got a job, and you worked for close to a month straight, and you used that overtime pay to knock down your principal. You celebrated the new year by once again knocking down your principal. Then you discovered that you had not cashed a paycheck from the previous year, and since you had not even realized you had that money to begin with, you knocked down your principal once again. By this time, you were becoming antsy, as you had in been in repayment for a year, which meant that the loan had served its benefit to your credit rating. You increased your monthly payments in an effort to more quickly rid yourself of having to pay hundreds of dollars in interest.

Since you save more than you ought to and don't spend enough, you had the funds to pay off the loan entirely but were afraid of losing your security blanket. Then came your substantial tax refund, which you resolved to once again use to knock down your principal balance, but that tactic subsequently inspired you to pay off the loan entirely, since you were financially able to, and the interest you were paying was just wasted money.

In an amusing coincidence, your annual bonus was almost equal to your tax refund, and together, they were just about enough to pay off your loan. You also received an infinitesimal raise due to the fact that you were only officially an employee for three months in 2006, so how could you possibly deserve a decent raise at this time? Take comfort in the fact that you received stock options and restricted stock, which, in the future, can be turned into money. Next year, your monetary rewards should be much greater.

As we said earlier, our records show that you no longer have a student loan hanging over you. The only debt you currently have to worry about is your massive credit card bill, inflated by car repair and auto insurance. We wish you luck in your future endeavors.

The World

P.S. The government is a little slow and took out $150 on your due date despite the fact that they had just received your payoff amount. Rather than give it back to you, they're going to sit on it for two or three months and then give it back.

P.P.S. Also, you overpaid by seven dollars. Look for that in two or three months, too. Buy yourself a sandwich.

P.P.P.S. Wait until you get married, have kids, and buy a house. You'll be fucked.