July 19th, 2006

Smarter than me, Smarter than me again

Veronica Mars, Like Just About Everyone, Is Smarter Than Me

Yesterday, I was explaining to a co-worker how I ended up in my current position. I reached the part where I walk into my academic advisor's office and tell her that I want to leave the doctoral program, the part I described as "one of those hardest things you ever do in life." And as I told her, I felt the tears beginning to well up as my body was consumed with whatever mix of emotions was stirring in me at the time. I held it together, however, and I don't think she noticed.

It surprised me because I thought I was over it.

I make jokes all the time. I was a straight-A student in high school, winning gobs of awards in academic competitions, featured in the newspaper multiple times. So I proudly report my three C+'s in a row at Rice, a hilarious sign of my declining academic prowess. I laugh at the fact that I was actually on academic probation for one semester of grad school. Before I dropped out. Before I said, I can't handle this. I'm not good enough. I am going to take a Master's and run. I give up.

And I'm supposed to be a role model? My academic record looks like Veronica Mars's ratings in season two.

Sometimes, it's hard not to feel like a failure.