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July 28th, 2005 - The Book of the Celestial Cow

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July 28th, 2005


08:38 pm - Flat Bionic Sporking Elves
VoicePost
455K 2:16
(no transcription available)


This one goes out to all my peeps in the Veronica Mars Meet Market Mafia. Here we go.

Flat bionic sporking elves
Trying not to spork themselves
Cyborg, android, who can tell?
These elves have come here straight from hell!

F is for flat, for their two dimensions
They have no depth, and thus no tensions
They glide like paper that can cut
And they could crawl right up your butt
They're thin, and skinny, and altogether mini
But if you ever see any you had best better run
Because their entirely flat nature allows them to travel at faster-than-light speeds due to the complete lack of air resistance
And if they catch you, it won't be fun

Flat bionic sporking elves
Trying not to spork themselves
Cyborg, android, who can tell?
These elves have come here straight from hell!

B is for bionic, they're part robot!
Their limbs can do what yours cannot
They have the strength of ten thousand men
With a flick of a pinky, they could crush a hen
They're shiny, and whiny, and altogether tiny
But if there's one by my knee I had best better bolt
Because a byproduct of having so many machine parts is the ability to release large amounts of electric charge at a moment's notice
And I'd rather not feel that jolt

Flat bionic sporking elves
Trying not to spork themselves
Cyborg, android, who can tell?
These elves have come here straight from hell!

S is for sporking, their method of destruction
Attacking with a strange spoon/fork construction
They can pierce through your skin with the greatest of ease
They can cut out your heart before you can sneeze
They're vicious, malicious, and altogether precious
But they're also quite capricious so you best better hide
Because you might think they're letting you go free but in fact they will change their mind on a whim based on, say, what color shirt you're wearing, and then it's all over, my friend
And I'd cry a lot if you ever died

Flat bionic sporking elves
Trying not to spork themselves
Cyborg, android, who can tell?
These elves have come here straight from hell!

E is for elves, those evil little freaks
With a gleam in their eyes and no rose in their cheeks
They come from a land where they are taught to make cookies
But these murderous bakers just scoff at those rookies
They're brittle, from kettles, and altogether little
But if you try their vittles then you'd best better puke
Because in an act of righteous rebellion they've poisoned all their cookies with iocane powder, which is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man
And eating one would be like eating a nuke

Flat bionic sporking elves
Trying not to spork themselves
Cyborg, android, who can tell?
These elves have come here straight from hell!

(27 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")


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