July 26th, 2005

When Polter-Cows Attack!

Harry Dies! The Next Book Is Called Ron Weasley and the Fleeing in Terror.

There are NO SPOILERS in this post. I finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last Monday, reading almost the entire book in one day, and I liked it. My favorite will probably always remain Prisoner of Azkaban. I thought about writing a post about it, but the world doesn't really need yet another LJ post on HPB. So I direct you to etherealclarity's review and garlandgraves's analysis of the ending, both of which I basically agree with, though I of course have some differing opinions. If you would like to discuss the book with me in the comments, please put a spoiler warning in your subject line.

Instead, I'd like to share with you all of some of my friend Angelo's predictions for Book 7...while reading Book 5. There aren't even any spoilers for Book 5 in here. In fact, some of these are funny even if you've never read the books at all. So I repeat: there are NO SPOILERS in this post.

Prediction for book seven.
It's been Snape all along!!!

Another Book 7 Prediction... Dumbledore and Voldemort (their names sure sound kinda alike) duel ferociously until Voltemort expelerimiates Dumble's wand. Dumbledore pulls out a shotgun and shots him. The end.

Prediction #3: Three months from now the next book comes out. Then six months later the final installment. Everyone is confused until J.K. admits that she spent the last two years in New Zealand writing the final three installments at once to save time and money. Rumors of a torrid relationship with Ian McKellan were quickly dismissed by everyone except for a couple of college students talking aobut how anyone who is both Magneto and Gandalf must have the chicks all over them.

Prediction #5
The elder Malfoy is killed by Dumbledore for botching an attempt on Potter's life, but the death is hushed up. Draco goes through the painful process of admitting that our heroes are in the right and has to form a tentative alliance with Harry Potter to keep Voldemort from retrieving the Blarney Stone, Excalibur and the Bayeiux tapestry, the three items which will lead to the rupture of the membrane separating the muggles from the wizards and in the resulting confusion wiping them all out.

Prediction #I've lost count dammit
Book 7, Chapter 1
Harry wakes up. It's his birthday. It's all been a dream. A long long intricate and extremely profitable dream. He cries, then gets beat up by Dudley.

This is the shortest of the Harry Potter installments, counting in at only 7 pages. It sells 45 Million copies in the first night before furious parents return to the bookstores and burn them down. J. K. Rowling's is nowhere to be found, although she is rumored to be laughing it up on the beaches of Argentina with Hitler.

Prediction, oh lets say #146
Malfoy: Hah Harry, I am rich white and inbred, you are rich white and orphaned!
Harry: You're making me angry, Draco...
(His eyes begin to turn emerald) ... You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!
Malfoy: And why would that Good God!!! What the FUCK!!!
Harry: POTTER SMASH!!!!!!

During the lull until the next book we finally get a copy printed of that damn "History of Hoghwarts" It turns out to be nothing but a treatise on how one can't dis/apparate into Hogwarts.