September 13th, 2009
|09:38 pm - Your Reject, All-American|
Since I wrote this post last year, I have gone through several potential future wives.
I e-mailed with the girl mentioned in the post, and after a few weeks, I didn't really think we were right for each other, but my parents insisted I meet her in person anyway since she was in Oakland. We had an incredibly awkward dinner together, so awkward that at the end she actually said she was sorry I had to do this, and the few minutes where we complained about the whole process were the most natural we were with each other. But there were no sparks of any kind.
I spent a couple good hours with one girl that I wasn't really attracted to but at least gave me hope that I could find an Indian girl with common interests.
Then there was a drought where it was determined that there was not a single Indian girl in the country who was interested in me. Excuse me, whose family was interested in my family. So we took some new pictures at Sears and JCPenney to make me look more attractive.
Earlier this year, I was given a girl who was potentially interesting over e-mail if it weren't for the fact that she took a week to respond. After weeks of e-mailing, we talked on the phone and had a pretty nice conversation. My parents wanted me to make a special trip to Dallas to meet her, but I wasn't that into her. And she wasn't that into me, given that I suddenly got an e-mail declaring that she wanted to make sure we were on the same page, but she sensed a mutual lack of interest, so it was nice meeting me and she wished me well.
My latest potential future wife was a law student in San Francisco who liked Fringe, Incubus, Green Day, Beck, the Postal Service, and Osha Thai. And she had streaks in her hair. She was vaguely promising, much more promising than the local from last year. Her mom and my mom were childhood friends, and the families were both in support of our union. My mom gave me her number to call her. I called her yesterday and got her voicemail, so, unsure of what to say and finding "Hi, call me back" insufficient, I rambled on awkwardly, as I do, joking about the voicemail lady who was going to cut me off eventually and expressing my shared like of the aforementioned things. It could be endearing if you know me, or annoying if you're not into that sort of thing.
Which she apparently wasn't, as today the support of our union was called off. Today, unlike last week, she wants to focus on her studies. Clearly, I left the Worst Voicemail of All Time.
Once again, the continual threat of India is in the air. In India, apparently, the women will be more likely to accept me. I guess they all want to come over to America so it doesn't matter how unappealing I am. I can joke, "Oh, you only want me for my citizenship." Because clearly they wouldn't want me for anything else.
I cried, maybe for the first time about this. For most of my life, I simply dealt with pre-emptive rejection since I never actually made any moves. Now that I am actually talking to girls with a hope of a real future, being rejected over and over is getting to me. This time I was rejected before the girl even talked to me. All I did in my voicemail was be me, and that was enough to scare her off. My dad is telling me to be a grown-up and change my behavior, but why should I fucking change who I am to find a fucking wife? Shouldn't my actual future wife want me for who I am? Shouldn't I be able to just be me? Who the fuck are these women looking for?
As if my own feelings of self-worth weren't enough, my sister texted me that my mom had freaked out and started crying and pray-crying as soon as she hung up the phone, wondering where she went wrong with me. She thinks I don't want to get married, that I'm being difficult to avoid getting married. Which is partly true, as I have told her three million times that I am in no rush to get married but fine I will talk to these girls and see if I like them, so I don't know why she's acting like this is new information. And her friends' kids are getting married, so she must be a failure as a mother since I'm not.
At this point, I feel like pulling a Veronica and declaring that I'm never getting married.
In happier news, I met vonnie_k and oyceter and rilina for dinner, and we had a lovely, rainy time.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Placebo - Post Blue
That is such a tough situation. I really feel for you.
A few comments:
1) As hard as it can be sometimes, ignore your mom and her laments. The important thing isn't for you to make her happy, it's for you to BE happy. In the end, that's probably what she wants most anyway... for you to be happy. (She probably just thinks that this is the only way for you to truly get there, even though she's probably wrong about that.)
2) You are awesome, and don't forget it! It's tough sometimes being quirky in a world mostly made up of people trying for the status quo... and I know from massive amounts of experience. But don't you DARE settle for less than someone who appreciates you as you are, and someone who you feel the same about. Life is far too short to settle for anything less than that.
3) First impressions are super tricky. I still haven't mastered them, but I've gotten better at it. The one way you get better at them is, unfortunately, practice. That probably means a lot of rejection. But cheer up: EVERYONE gets rejected, and most people get rejected a LOT. That has nothing to do with the quality of your character.
4) The best thing to remember about first impressions is to focus on showing your strengths and avoiding your weaknesses. I know it sounds kind of devious, but it's actually the better way to go. If someone likes your strengths enough, they're more likely to tolerate the weaknesses when they show up... but if you present yourself as a whole, flawed human being up front, they assume that's you ARE presenting your best side and that there must be a lot more weaknesses under the surface. Sad, but for the most part true. (I don't mean that you should hide who you are... be yourself, just a slightly stylized version of yourself, if that makes sense.)
For you, one of your fantastic strengths is writing. Maybe you should try to focus on email/IM interactions at first, and then graduate to phone/in-person meetings once you've established a rapport. (I'm not trying to indicate that phone conversation is a weakness of yours! But everyone gets nervous on the phone and if you have an already established conversation going, it's much easier to transition and feel comfortable.) Are there any dating websites out there particularly for your dating pool? I'm sure your mom would be horrified at the prospect, but if you actually found someone that way on your own that ended up meeting most of their criteria, I bet your parents would accept it. With a dating site, it's already expected that you'll converse via email/IM for a little while before meeting.
I hope some of that helps. Hang in there! You'll find someone eventually, you're too awesome not to.
4) That's an interesting way to look at it. It does sound devious! But...yeah.
Usually we start over e-mail, but I guess they didn't get her e-mail address, only her phone number.
Thanks for commenting, Amy. *hug*
An example of how I have done it in the past: as a girl, I know my strengths tend to be the things I like that guys mostly like, e.g. sci-fi & video games & South Park, and that I am not easily offended, and I think sex is positive and natural and something people should have open conversations about. So those tend to be topics of conversation I bring up when I'm getting to know a guy I'm potentially interested in.
Meanwhile I know that my political views and debate style can be offputting, and that my constant stomach problems are kind of a drag. It's not that I try to hide those parts of me, it's more that I scale them back. Instead of getting into a heated debate with someone about health care reform (like I might if I knew them better), I might state my general attitude towards the political spectrum, maybe expand a little bit if asked, and then change the subject. And if my stomach is bothering me, I might mention that it troubles me often but say something positive about how it helps me to appreciate the foods that I CAN eat all the more, instead of going into a diatribe about how I've had all these tests done and no one can figure out exactly what's wrong and that it's kind of depressing at times and affects my life much more than I'd like.
All of the things I would say are true, and certainly if I got to know the person better they'd end up hearing the longer versions. And yet, the version I'd tell someone who I wanted to like me is much more pleasant for first time conversation. If they like me enough with that version, the long versions are much less likely to scare them off, and they won't feel deceived.
The dating game really isn't fun, and it is very tiring, but unfortunately this is how it is played. Everyone puts their best foot forward (or what they perceive to be their best foot)... and they're expecting you to do the same. If you're putting forward your normal foot and they think its your best one, they won't see how awesome you really are!