September 13th, 2009
|09:38 pm - Your Reject, All-American|
Since I wrote this post last year, I have gone through several potential future wives.
I e-mailed with the girl mentioned in the post, and after a few weeks, I didn't really think we were right for each other, but my parents insisted I meet her in person anyway since she was in Oakland. We had an incredibly awkward dinner together, so awkward that at the end she actually said she was sorry I had to do this, and the few minutes where we complained about the whole process were the most natural we were with each other. But there were no sparks of any kind.
I spent a couple good hours with one girl that I wasn't really attracted to but at least gave me hope that I could find an Indian girl with common interests.
Then there was a drought where it was determined that there was not a single Indian girl in the country who was interested in me. Excuse me, whose family was interested in my family. So we took some new pictures at Sears and JCPenney to make me look more attractive.
Earlier this year, I was given a girl who was potentially interesting over e-mail if it weren't for the fact that she took a week to respond. After weeks of e-mailing, we talked on the phone and had a pretty nice conversation. My parents wanted me to make a special trip to Dallas to meet her, but I wasn't that into her. And she wasn't that into me, given that I suddenly got an e-mail declaring that she wanted to make sure we were on the same page, but she sensed a mutual lack of interest, so it was nice meeting me and she wished me well.
My latest potential future wife was a law student in San Francisco who liked Fringe, Incubus, Green Day, Beck, the Postal Service, and Osha Thai. And she had streaks in her hair. She was vaguely promising, much more promising than the local from last year. Her mom and my mom were childhood friends, and the families were both in support of our union. My mom gave me her number to call her. I called her yesterday and got her voicemail, so, unsure of what to say and finding "Hi, call me back" insufficient, I rambled on awkwardly, as I do, joking about the voicemail lady who was going to cut me off eventually and expressing my shared like of the aforementioned things. It could be endearing if you know me, or annoying if you're not into that sort of thing.
Which she apparently wasn't, as today the support of our union was called off. Today, unlike last week, she wants to focus on her studies. Clearly, I left the Worst Voicemail of All Time.
Once again, the continual threat of India is in the air. In India, apparently, the women will be more likely to accept me. I guess they all want to come over to America so it doesn't matter how unappealing I am. I can joke, "Oh, you only want me for my citizenship." Because clearly they wouldn't want me for anything else.
I cried, maybe for the first time about this. For most of my life, I simply dealt with pre-emptive rejection since I never actually made any moves. Now that I am actually talking to girls with a hope of a real future, being rejected over and over is getting to me. This time I was rejected before the girl even talked to me. All I did in my voicemail was be me, and that was enough to scare her off. My dad is telling me to be a grown-up and change my behavior, but why should I fucking change who I am to find a fucking wife? Shouldn't my actual future wife want me for who I am? Shouldn't I be able to just be me? Who the fuck are these women looking for?
As if my own feelings of self-worth weren't enough, my sister texted me that my mom had freaked out and started crying and pray-crying as soon as she hung up the phone, wondering where she went wrong with me. She thinks I don't want to get married, that I'm being difficult to avoid getting married. Which is partly true, as I have told her three million times that I am in no rush to get married but fine I will talk to these girls and see if I like them, so I don't know why she's acting like this is new information. And her friends' kids are getting married, so she must be a failure as a mother since I'm not.
At this point, I feel like pulling a Veronica and declaring that I'm never getting married.
In happier news, I met vonnie_k and oyceter and rilina for dinner, and we had a lovely, rainy time.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Placebo - Post Blue
|Date:||September 14th, 2009 06:49 am (UTC)|| |
Oh fuck. See, this is one of those times I wish I lived next door to all of my friends and I could come over with ice cream or something and talk
This I get, I so fucking get. Since I was young I've always been told, don't talk so much, boys don't like girls who talk so much. Don't be so opinionated, your husband will always be angry at you. Keep your feelings hidden otherwise you'll cause problems in your marriage. Boys want skinny wives, when I was your age I was anorexic. Ok, that last part, not exactly, but the sentiment was there.
And every time a statement like that was thrown at me the more angry I got. As you said, why should I have to change myself? What kind of life would I live if I couldn't be who I am? And it got to the point where I believed that I was never getting married, I was too unattractive, too crazy, too stubborn, too loud, too everything to ever attract a suitable mate. That I was worthless.
And just when I had come to accept that I was going to be the crazy spinster aunt, my mom started telling me if I didn't straighten up she would have to compromise
. More or less, she'd marry me off to the first bastard that said yes. Or at least that's what she made it sound like. That's when I started seriously contemplated getting disowned by my family because that was my biggest fear, that I would end up hitched to an abusive asshole for the sake of being married. Or to the first boy from the homeland that was willing to look over all of my "issues" because the only plus point I had was my green card. *headdesk*
Let me tell you, moms specialize in that "Oh woe is me, what did I do to deserve children like this, what did I do wrong" crying. There is nothing wrong with you. Do you know how many times I contemplated telling my parents I was gay so maybe they'd stop pressuring me about marriage? And I mean that as no joke either.
These girls, they can't see you for how awesome you are and that's fine (yeah, I know, it doesn't feel like it) because you and they aren't meant to be. Look, rest assured that Mrs.spectralbovine
exists, ok? She's already been born and grown up, it's just a matter of coming across her. But she's out there. And when you do find her, ask her what took so bloody long.
Btw, these girls rejecting you, they don't even know you, so they aren't rejecting you
, they are rejecting this construct they have of you in their heads. Plus, they are most likely dealing with the same family shit that you are. Chances are that they are saying no to you on a matter of principle, to piss off their parents, not because they have an issue with you specifically. I was going to say no to Dude on the basis of him being someone my parents introduced me to and because he was from the homeland until I realized he wasn't an asshole and he couldn't care less about my craziness. It isn't wtf are these girls looking for, it's more of a wth aren't they seeing because they have their blinders on.
Remember how I said a little while back about how people are always searching for The "Perfect" One? They don't see what's right in front of them and trust me, you don't want any of these girls.
It sucks, oh lord does it suck being in this position. But honestly, you're an awesome and really decent guy, and it comes across. If they can't see it, it's not a reflection of you, but of them. Ok?
See, this is one of those times I wish I lived next door to all of my friends and I could come over with ice cream or something and talk to you.
I wish it too!
But honestly, you're an awesome and really decent guy, and it comes across. If they can't see it, it's not a reflection of you, but of them. Ok?
Thanks. For your whole comment. I wanted to quote it all and say thanks and EXACTLY but that would take a while.
|Date:||September 15th, 2009 07:16 pm (UTC)|| |
I am late, as always, but I just wanted to add my voice to the crowd and say that these girls aren't really rejecting you, because they don't know you. Not really. And of course you shouldn't change in order to impress a girl. The right one is going to like you just the way you are.
Not that I could know, but I think maybe these girls are just as freaked out and disenchanted with the whole process as you are. I know I would be. I would agree to talk to you, or email you to apease my family, but I would back out before it actually went to far because the notion of getting married for anything other than getting romantically and spontaneously swept off my feet would make me want to hurl. No offense. I know the whole indian culture that I lack makes me different than these girls, but especially if they grew up in the states I would imagine that this process is really awkward and uncomfortable for them, and I understand if that makes them quick to judge and reject you, because they fear ending up with someone who is uncompatible with them just to appease thier families. However, they are missing out on a really great, intelligent, funny guy. And I know that there is a girl out there that will appreciate those things about you, and you guys will create a great life together.
I understand the pressure to get married. Being Mormon, it's ingrained into me how my biggest life purpose should be to find a husband that is "strong in the gospel," to marry and raise 8-10 kids with. It blows people's minds when they find out that's not something I want or need in my life right now. I don't get pressured to the same degree you are, but I can empathize with you. Add me to the list of people that are giving you metaphorical ice cream and virtual hugs. Sorry this process is so tough for you. =(