September 13th, 2009
|09:38 pm - Your Reject, All-American|
Since I wrote this post last year, I have gone through several potential future wives.
I e-mailed with the girl mentioned in the post, and after a few weeks, I didn't really think we were right for each other, but my parents insisted I meet her in person anyway since she was in Oakland. We had an incredibly awkward dinner together, so awkward that at the end she actually said she was sorry I had to do this, and the few minutes where we complained about the whole process were the most natural we were with each other. But there were no sparks of any kind.
I spent a couple good hours with one girl that I wasn't really attracted to but at least gave me hope that I could find an Indian girl with common interests.
Then there was a drought where it was determined that there was not a single Indian girl in the country who was interested in me. Excuse me, whose family was interested in my family. So we took some new pictures at Sears and JCPenney to make me look more attractive.
Earlier this year, I was given a girl who was potentially interesting over e-mail if it weren't for the fact that she took a week to respond. After weeks of e-mailing, we talked on the phone and had a pretty nice conversation. My parents wanted me to make a special trip to Dallas to meet her, but I wasn't that into her. And she wasn't that into me, given that I suddenly got an e-mail declaring that she wanted to make sure we were on the same page, but she sensed a mutual lack of interest, so it was nice meeting me and she wished me well.
My latest potential future wife was a law student in San Francisco who liked Fringe, Incubus, Green Day, Beck, the Postal Service, and Osha Thai. And she had streaks in her hair. She was vaguely promising, much more promising than the local from last year. Her mom and my mom were childhood friends, and the families were both in support of our union. My mom gave me her number to call her. I called her yesterday and got her voicemail, so, unsure of what to say and finding "Hi, call me back" insufficient, I rambled on awkwardly, as I do, joking about the voicemail lady who was going to cut me off eventually and expressing my shared like of the aforementioned things. It could be endearing if you know me, or annoying if you're not into that sort of thing.
Which she apparently wasn't, as today the support of our union was called off. Today, unlike last week, she wants to focus on her studies. Clearly, I left the Worst Voicemail of All Time.
Once again, the continual threat of India is in the air. In India, apparently, the women will be more likely to accept me. I guess they all want to come over to America so it doesn't matter how unappealing I am. I can joke, "Oh, you only want me for my citizenship." Because clearly they wouldn't want me for anything else.
I cried, maybe for the first time about this. For most of my life, I simply dealt with pre-emptive rejection since I never actually made any moves. Now that I am actually talking to girls with a hope of a real future, being rejected over and over is getting to me. This time I was rejected before the girl even talked to me. All I did in my voicemail was be me, and that was enough to scare her off. My dad is telling me to be a grown-up and change my behavior, but why should I fucking change who I am to find a fucking wife? Shouldn't my actual future wife want me for who I am? Shouldn't I be able to just be me? Who the fuck are these women looking for?
As if my own feelings of self-worth weren't enough, my sister texted me that my mom had freaked out and started crying and pray-crying as soon as she hung up the phone, wondering where she went wrong with me. She thinks I don't want to get married, that I'm being difficult to avoid getting married. Which is partly true, as I have told her three million times that I am in no rush to get married but fine I will talk to these girls and see if I like them, so I don't know why she's acting like this is new information. And her friends' kids are getting married, so she must be a failure as a mother since I'm not.
At this point, I feel like pulling a Veronica and declaring that I'm never getting married.
In happier news, I met vonnie_k and oyceter and rilina for dinner, and we had a lovely, rainy time.
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Placebo - Post Blue
I know this never feels very helpful, but Dan Savage always points out that if you are honest with someone and really put yourself out there and they are not interested, then you haven't lost anything. It never would have worked anyway, and this way you haven't wasted your time. But yeah, that advice has never really made me feel any better post-rejection.
Anyway, I'm of the opinion that the most interesting, unique people never have an easy time finding the right person. But would you really want to be the kind of boring person who clicks about the same amount with everyone they meet?
I'm sorry! *hugs* You're absolutely right that you shouldn't have to change to find a wife, as the right person will love you as the imperfectly perfect person for them you are, just as you would love them. Not to mention, trying to change for someone else, rather than yourself never works out, so if you're happy with yourself, then that's the important thing and then you can look to find someone that is also happy with you and makes you happy. My impression is that you are happy/like yourself and to be honest, that's the hardest part, because how can you find someone who likes you, if you don't like or know yourself? You know and like who you are (whether or not it's 100% of the time is irrelevant) and you'll find the right person, if you stick to your guns.
I'll also add that unfortunately many of us dismiss others too easily for stupid reasons and I have no doubt that if more of these women actually got to know you as a friend first, they'd be interested. I'd also say that if you ARE really interested in the one in SF, just call her back and leave a message apologizing for rambling since she was probably like (WTF? Heh.) and invite her to a concert or something, where you can hang out & enjoy being at an event with someone, without feeling like you're having a dinner interview, you know? Given that she likes Green Day, Incubus, The Postal Service, Thai food and Fringe, she probably also has a hard time finding a single Americanized Indian guy, that actually is also still looking for an Indian woman.
As for your Mom praying & crying and pray-crying, etc, don't let it get to you too much. Marriage isn't a competition nor should it be just about culture or parental status/honor, so you need to make sure you stand firm, when it's YOUR happiness at stake.
Edited at 2009-09-14 06:44 am (UTC)
|Date:||September 14th, 2009 06:59 am (UTC)|| |
WHAT THIS PERSON SAID
I don't know who you are, but you said all the same things I would have said in a comment. I endorse this product and/or service!
Re: WHAT THIS PERSON SAID
Hmm...too bad there's no financial kickback with comment endorsements! ;) My dog did say I rocked too, but I'm pretty sure he just wants to go for a walk.
|Date:||September 14th, 2009 12:10 pm (UTC)|| |
Re: WHAT THIS PERSON SAID
I do know who you are, and I'd also like to cosign your comment. :)
I'd also say that if you ARE really interested in the one in SF, just call her back and leave a message apologizing for rambling since she was probably like (WTF? Heh.) and invite her to a concert or something, where you can hang out & enjoy being at an event with someone, without feeling like you're having a dinner interview, you know? Given that she likes Green Day, Incubus, The Postal Service, Thai food and Fringe, she probably also has a hard time finding a single Americanized Indian guy, that actually is also still looking for an Indian woman.
That would take a lot of backbone! But I will consider it.
Thanks for your thoroughly endorseable comment.
Here's the thing..if you call her and give a brief apology for rambling on her message and invite her to a concert, it's a win/win.
Best case, she realizes she was a little judgemental and accepts your apology, you have a great time at the concert, hit it off enough to meet up again and you both have someone that could potentially be the right person. Then of course, both your parents will approve, you'll both worry if your parents approval is actually a bad thing and then you'll realize that you guys liking each other is the most important thing and you shouldn't not like someone because your parents approve as that doesn't mean there's something wrong with them! ;)
Worst case, she doesn't respond, you'll know that you at least made the effort, so you don't have to second guess yourself and you have tickets to go and enjoy a fantastic concert with a friend!
Even the worst case scenario, you end up having a great time at the concert and you don't have to wonder if you gave a brief apology for rambling on this girl's answering machine, if you could have ended up in a great relationship and it makes it easier to move on. If she can't accept an apology and give you a chance to make a better impression, then she's obviously not the right person for you any way!
I sent an e-mail apologizing and letting her know to drop me a line if she wanted to hang out, no rush, focus on your studies, do whatever, but I'm still here. No response yet.
Woohoo! Hopefully she reads it and replies, but if she doesn't, then you'll know she's not the right person for you any way. Ball is in her court now, at least and you did what you could, instead of not making an overture and regretting.
|Date:||September 14th, 2009 08:45 pm (UTC)|| |
I too heartily endorse this comment, especially the last paragraph!
WHAT THAT PERSON SAID ^infinity
"Anyway, I'm of the opinion that the most interesting, unique people never have an easy time finding the right person. But would you really want to be the kind of boring person who clicks about the same amount with everyone they meet?"
There is someone marvelous out there for you. You're amazing. God, we're all on here, reading you, curled up in the palm of your writerly hand and you have the power to punch people in the gut while making them laugh at the same time--anyone who has the fortune to be with you is so incredibly lucky.
I don't know if this will help any but my cousin had an arranged marriage. He's a great guy- got all the things the marriage mart looks for in addition to be one of the nicest guys I know- and it took his parents years to find him someone, but when they did she was amazing.
I prophesize, and my prophecies about relationships always come true, you will have a fantastically happy married life.