April 8th, 2008
|10:51 pm - So When the Smoke Clears, Here I Am|
My family seems pretty determined to have my wedding in December.
Never mind that we haven't found me a wife yet.
They seem pretty hopeful about this latest candidate, though, who just happens to be in Oakland. I've seen some pictures, and she looks all right. My mom seemed to think it was some sort of plus that she kind of looks like my little sister, but I think it's weird! I don't want to be reminded of my little sister when I'm...doing...things.
She's an accountant, since apparently all Indian women become accountants. And that's basically all I know about her besides the fact that she has a good family and she has a brother, which is important for some reason no one will explain to me. We actually passed on the previous candidate because she didn't have a brother. And because of her alien nose and vampire teeth. And possibly something with her family.
So, at some point, I assume I'll be given her e-mail address and/or phone number, and I'll have to talk to her and see if I want to marry her. I'm not looking forward to it.
The first girl they gave me was an accountant. I waited four months to e-mail her because I was too freaked out at the prospect of the process actually starting. I had no idea what to say. When I finally did send her an e-mail that was basically an account of my day in an attempt to let her know what I was like, she replied with specific comments about parts of my story, which was promising. So I replied to her, and then I never heard from her ever again. Luckily, my mom later became uninterested in her anyway.
Around that time, my mom's brother's wife's brother's wife got me in touch with a girl she thought I might like; she didn't let my family know about it in order to avoid all the hullabaloo. This girl had the same name as the first girl, and she was also an accountant. Hilarious. But she was in the area, so we had dinner one night, and she was cuter in person than in her pictures, and we had good, non-stop conversation throughout dinner even though I felt like I was completely uninteresting and boring, and I kind of liked her in spite of her inability to spell her favorite TV shows correctly and usage of heavy textspeak in text messages. After that night, I tried to arrange other meetings, but she was always busy or had to cancel, so after a while, I just stopped trying, hoping that one day she'd actually try to arrange a meeting with me, and now we're still Facebook friends, and she could care less about me if she cared more.
The one time I ever asked a girl out, it turned out she hated coffee or e-mail or Simpsons references or me.
And let's not forget my two epic bouts of unrequited love.
Do I make that little impression on women? It's all well and good to be told how awesome I am, how any girl would be lucky to have me, et cetera, but every time I make any sort of meaningful attempt to have some semblance of a relationship, it leads to nothing. I don't so much as get my foot in the fucking door. And this is why I don't bother ringing the doorbell.
This whole stupid process appeared to be about finding the woman I want to marry, but it turns out it's really about finding a woman who actually wants to marry me.
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Emm Gryner - Stereochrome
My desi best friend has a sister who used to work for the Bush administration in a position that put her in contact with royalty from the tiny little countries at the bottom of the arabian penninsula. The stink when she thought about marrying one of those guys was legendary.
It's comforting to know that my family will put up with just about anyone at this point, so long as he's not an Orthodox Jewish heavy metal guitarist. I have worked at lowering the bar.
Orthodox Jewish heavy metal guitarist
*eyes glaze over*
Where can I find this guy?
I don't envy you, man. If my parents were trying to push me to get married within a year, I'd be pulling my hair out.
I've always felt like a meaningful relationship is something that has to develop organically, rather than being sought out. Like maybe if someone meets a woman and they're thinking "Can I get her to marry me?" they're going to come off needy and drive her away. I think you have to have been with somebody a long time before you start thinking those sorts of thoughts. But then, I haven't had a long-term relationship in years, so what do I know?
|Date:||April 9th, 2008 08:48 am (UTC)|| |
You need to find some way to lower expectations! At this point, I think my parents will be relieved just to have confirmation that I'm not gay.
My family also expects me to be making $100K in the next few years. I really wish they'd stop expecting anything at all of me.
I had to laugh that all the girls you date are accountants, seeing as 99% of the guys I've dated are accountants as well. Indian women and Jewish men clearly monopolize the profession.
Then my dad must break all the rules because he's a Christian accountant :P
Don't worry, it's not you. Everyone has to do a lot of trial-and-error when it comes to dating, regardless of attractiveness/sense-of-humor/intelligence etc. It is the rare person who has people falling all over themselves to date them (and if they do, it's usually because of something superficial and non-lasting anyway) and then, of course, the one time they think it truly matters and they're crazy about someone, it's someone who doesn't want them at all.
So the good news is, it isn't you. The bad news is, this is just the sucky process of weeding through duds to find the good ones... and yes, duds include the ones that aren't interested in YOU, too. They're not worth your time.
I wish you luck with the arranged part and the whole dating process really. It ain't fun, but I think you'll find your way.
Everyone has to do a lot of trial-and-error when it comes to dating
Very true. I have to imagine there's even more trial-and-error with an arranged marriage, since most of us start with a larger pool and get to make the first cut before any actual "date."
Wow, it that timeframe typical? Heck, it normally takes a year just to plan the wedding, ignoring the meeting/getting to know you bit.
Good luck, of course.
It's all just...tough. I can't imagine. I can only wish you good luck and tell you that I have faith it will all work out. Maybe your Indian accountant will be less a Kelly and more a Pam for you.
While my parents had different specifics in mind when I started online dating in 2006 my Mom was PUSHING ME. Her requirements were that he had to be educated, and want kids. She was on my back all the time, and the worst was that I lived at home so she knew it if I wasn't trying. It was so hard. I just sort of blanked out of it emotionally and went on all the dates I could. Even when I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere with it.
Then I walked into a coffee shop to meet a British Mathematician from Match.com and when I walked back to my car that night I thought, "This one is the one that will work out." Here we are 1 1/2 years later...
Point being; if you suffer through at some point I am sure that it will just work out. I don't know if forcing yourself to do try is the answer or not, but at least it's trying...
|Date:||April 9th, 2008 01:53 pm (UTC)|| |
This must be so hard, but I don't think your going about it wrong.
The way you approached the last candidate seems really nice and a good way to introduce yourself to someone. I would think any date will be hard since there is so much expectation around it.
If her family is pushing as hard as your family is, she is probably having many of the same feelings of bewilderment and apprehension.
Romance novels are all firmly based in reality! Right?
I'm the last one to give romantic advice with my record. I don't know - it's all a confusing mess to me.
So um. . . . . somehow these things all seem to work out. People meet, mate, matchup and then eventually unravel. Hee! Sorry - strike that unravel remark. All true love ends in happily ever after. With cartoon birds. :D
|Date:||April 9th, 2008 02:24 pm (UTC)|| |
This: "My mom seemed to think it was some sort of plus that she kind of looks like my little sister, but I think it's weird! I don't want to be reminded of my little sister when I'm...doing...things." crack me up. I know it's not suppose to, but I'm still finding it hysterical.
On dating, I'm sorry it's making you feel down. I don't think you should underestimate the huge and intangible power of chemistry, which can't be predicted. The girls were cute and nice, you were cute and nice, but that doesn't mean there was chemistry ... and it doesn't mean it was you.
I find this stuff all so interesting, but man December seems soon.
I know it's not suppose to, but I'm still finding it hysterical.
Oh, don't worry, it was supposed to be funny.
I don't think you should underestimate the huge and intangible power of chemistry, which can't be predicted. The girls were cute and nice, you were cute and nice, but that doesn't mean there was chemistry
BUT I GOT AN A IN CHEMISTRY.
I find this stuff all so interesting, but man December seems soon.
You're telling me.
|Date:||April 9th, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)|| |
Oh, Sunil. The only part I can help you with is to repeat what everyone else has said: dating is like that for everyone. Really. We've all had awkward first dates, people who never call, unrequited crushes. It's normal and it's not just you. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. Rejection sucks, but dating does pay off eventually.
One more piece of advice: don't marry anyone you're not friends with. I get that there's not so much flexibility in arranged marriages, but you have to be friends with the girl. Preferably best friends. It's just not worth it otherwise.