Never mind that we haven't found me a wife yet.
They seem pretty hopeful about this latest candidate, though, who just happens to be in Oakland. I've seen some pictures, and she looks all right. My mom seemed to think it was some sort of plus that she kind of looks like my little sister, but I think it's weird! I don't want to be reminded of my little sister when I'm...doing...things.
She's an accountant, since apparently all Indian women become accountants. And that's basically all I know about her besides the fact that she has a good family and she has a brother, which is important for some reason no one will explain to me. We actually passed on the previous candidate because she didn't have a brother. And because of her alien nose and vampire teeth. And possibly something with her family.
So, at some point, I assume I'll be given her e-mail address and/or phone number, and I'll have to talk to her and see if I want to marry her. I'm not looking forward to it.
The first girl they gave me was an accountant. I waited four months to e-mail her because I was too freaked out at the prospect of the process actually starting. I had no idea what to say. When I finally did send her an e-mail that was basically an account of my day in an attempt to let her know what I was like, she replied with specific comments about parts of my story, which was promising. So I replied to her, and then I never heard from her ever again. Luckily, my mom later became uninterested in her anyway.
Around that time, my mom's brother's wife's brother's wife got me in touch with a girl she thought I might like; she didn't let my family know about it in order to avoid all the hullabaloo. This girl had the same name as the first girl, and she was also an accountant. Hilarious. But she was in the area, so we had dinner one night, and she was cuter in person than in her pictures, and we had good, non-stop conversation throughout dinner even though I felt like I was completely uninteresting and boring, and I kind of liked her in spite of her inability to spell her favorite TV shows correctly and usage of heavy textspeak in text messages. After that night, I tried to arrange other meetings, but she was always busy or had to cancel, so after a while, I just stopped trying, hoping that one day she'd actually try to arrange a meeting with me, and now we're still Facebook friends, and she could care less about me if she cared more.
The one time I ever asked a girl out, it turned out she hated coffee or e-mail or Simpsons references or me.
And let's not forget my two epic bouts of unrequited love.
Do I make that little impression on women? It's all well and good to be told how awesome I am, how any girl would be lucky to have me, et cetera, but every time I make any sort of meaningful attempt to have some semblance of a relationship, it leads to nothing. I don't so much as get my foot in the fucking door. And this is why I don't bother ringing the doorbell.
This whole stupid process appeared to be about finding the woman I want to marry, but it turns out it's really about finding a woman who actually wants to marry me.