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Rat? Ptooey! - The Book of the Celestial Cow

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November 15th, 2007


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10:27 am - Rat? Ptooey!
On November 5, 2006, I attempted to watch all of the British Office in one day.

That didn't work out because I went into my kitchen and turned on the light and OMG A MOUSE SCURRIED ACROSS THE FLOOR. Or a small rat. All I saw was a flash of grey from the refrigerator to a place underneath the trash bag.

I screamed like a girl. Seriously. It was quite emasculating.

I went back to my computer and freaked out to Buffistas, who both offered helpful suggestions and playfully freaked me out more. I wanted to cry at the very thought of killing the thing, but I certainly didn't want it in my kitchen either. I was going to make a terrible husband.

After a long while, I got the courage to get something to trap it and peek underneath the garbage bag, which was the last place I'd seen it. And it wasn't there anymore. Which meant it could be anywhere. In its lair. Over there. IN MY HAIR.

Melanie (toughcookie42) named it Fievel.

I was too stressed to continue watching The Office. Instead, I took some pictures of the linoleum in the kitchen that the critters had clearly been gnawing on ALL THIS TIME WITHOUT MY EVEN KNOWING THEY WERE THERE.

My landlord came by the next evening to give me some rat poison. I had considered getting a more humane method of murder, but this was more...convenient. I sprinkled some around the edges of the gnawed linoleum. I never saw a rodent scurrying across my kitchen again.

ONE YEAR LATER


Last night, Emily (tigeremme) came over to watch Avatar. Less than a minute after walking into my apartment, she said, "Is that a rat?"

Please just assume that for the next twenty minutes, I am saying, "What the fuck?" every five seconds.

Because right there next to my couch, on the floor, was the body of a rat with a tail longer than its body. While it seemed to be pretty clearly dead, I still had the irrational fear that it was just sleeping and would, at any second, get up and run around and cause havoc.

I had no idea how long it had been there. You'd think I would have noticed it before, but I hadn't really noticed it until Emily pointed it out, so for all I knew, that was a blind spot in my apartment I didn't pay much attention to. For sanity's sake, let's pretend it was new and HAD NOT BEEN THERE LYING NEXT TO ME WHILE I WAS WATCHING TELEVISION.

Emily suggested I dispose of it in a garbage bag, which seemed like a sound idea, since I had no blinkin' idea what to do. Neither did she, really. In situations like this, she would generally call Shari.

So she called Shari.

Who asked if I had some sort of brush and stiff dustpan. WHICH I DID. WHICH MEANT I WOULD NOT HAVE TO TOUCH THE DAMN THING. I didn't want a rat corpse in my hand, even if there was a thin veneer of plastic between us. Shari cautioned that I should not eat off the brush afterward.

Emily moved the table next to the couch away, giving me a clear path. I began to wonder whether I was physically capable of performing this maneuver, since my left arm didn't have a full range of motion. But Emily didn't really want to do it either. She was holding the garbage bag.

I stared at the grey lump on my floor. I was still afraid it would get up. "What if I'm like that guy in Pushing Daisies?" I asked, not that I had any plans to touch it with my finger.

I put the dustpan on the floor next to it and stabilized it with my foot. I knew I couldn't bend down and hold it, and I didn't want to get too close to the body. I stared at it. I didn't even want to touch the rat with the brush!

Emily suggested we put on some music. Some rat music. I thought that was a grand idea. I put on "Time to Pretend" by MGMT, which I was currently addicted to. (I later realized I had the perfect rat music in the White Stripes' "I Think I Smell a Rat.") The music put me at ease, and I was able to sweep the rat corpse into the dustpan, pick up the dustpan, and deposit the body into the garbage bag, which Emily tied up for me to dispose of in a garbage can outside.

Then I vacuumed the site of the body to remove any residual rat germs. Emily helped me put the table back into its right place. I put the rat poison back out in the kitchen.

It was a good thing I hadn't been bringing someone back to my place to make out, as that would have been a real mood-killer.

Thank you, Emily and Shari. It just goes to show that the old saying is true: friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Current Mood: shockedshocked
Current Music: The Lovemakers - Misery Loves Company

(67 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


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[User Picture]
From:riani1
Date:November 15th, 2007 06:35 pm (UTC)
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I'm trying not to laugh at you, really.

No, really.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 15th, 2007 06:37 pm (UTC)
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Life is complicated and strange!
[User Picture]
From:afrocurl
Date:November 15th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
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Rats are gross. I don't blame you for freaking out--then or now.
[User Picture]
From:harper47
Date:November 15th, 2007 06:48 pm (UTC)
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OMG. Great story! Sounds almost exactly like what I would have done - including the freaking out. Hee! Congratulations though on accomplishing rat body disposal.
From:hobviously
Date:November 15th, 2007 06:53 pm (UTC)
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You need a wife who will not put up with this rodent shit. For fuck's sake.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:05 pm (UTC)
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Last year, one of the Buffistas said I should marry someone tough like Aeryn Sun, so she could take care of this rodent shit for me.
From:wee_warrior
Date:November 15th, 2007 06:53 pm (UTC)
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Oh, poor P-C. I'm pretty sure it hasn't been there for that long, though, or you would have smelled it. (A friend of mine had the same problem and the same solution, but unfortunately the beastie crawled under the floor boards before it died, and - well. It smells.)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:06 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, I've heard about the smell, so I don't think it had been there for DAYS or something, but I honestly wonder whether it had been there...you know, really, I would have noticed it in the morning when I put on my shoes. I would have. I had to have. I think.
[User Picture]
From:daynr
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:02 pm (UTC)
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We had a mouse in August and it was soooo cute! My roommate still won't sleep with her bedroom light off or walk barefoot on the floors but I sort of wanted to cuddle it.

Laying on my floor with a long ass tail, though, would not be cute.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:07 pm (UTC)
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It was so not cute!
[User Picture]
From:filmtx
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC)
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You could have captured him, put a ball and chain on his little leg and turned him into your very own slave rat. Missed opportunity if you ask me.

From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 15th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)
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i concur. you missed your chance to become the ratking!just in time for the christmas season
[User Picture]
From:gymble
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:11 pm (UTC)
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Poor rat.

Maybe you should get a cat; they're quite useful at keeping the rodent population down.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:15 pm (UTC)
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Heh.

Hey, you never responded to my e-mail about Saturday. Are you interested in the movie?
[User Picture]
From:latropita
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:14 pm (UTC)
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Oh, rodents. When I moved into housing spring of sophomore year when I came back from studying abroad, my roommate told me we used to have a mouse problem, but maintenance had put down traps. Then in March, I was cleaning the bathroom and found a dead (decomposing!) mouse in a trap behind the toilet.

I win!
[User Picture]
From:miniglik
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:31 pm (UTC)
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Ha!

I was expecting more info on the dead rat, and HERE IT IS.

I wish I'd have been there to just throw the damn thing out for ya.

Did you name it, btw?
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:47 pm (UTC)
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Not the dead one! Emily felt bad for it and maybe wanted to say some words, but we never got around to memorializing.
[User Picture]
From:electricmonk
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:31 pm (UTC)
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Someone I know put out rat poison, then later came home to find a giant rat hemorrhaging all over her kitchen floor.

Makes me grateful that the worst I've had were cockroaches. I guess. But those are pretty gross and won't die.

Anyway, if I had a hardcore metal band, it would definitely be called "Hemorrhaging Rat."
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 15th, 2007 07:48 pm (UTC)
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You mean you don't have one already? What are you DOING with your life, Mara?
[User Picture]
From:grammarwoman
Date:November 15th, 2007 08:27 pm (UTC)
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Ew. Ew. Ew.

Speaking of rodent disposal...When we first got our dog, we left the door open to the fenced-in back yard so she could have her run of the place. While I was in the bathroom upstairs, she went out, caught a squirrel, and left it at the top of the stairs, on the carpet, where I later found it dead (luckily, fully intact and not bloody).

After a minor freak out, I grabbed a 3-ring binder to use as (awkward) tongs to get it into a bag for disposal.

The back door was shut shortly after that, and the squirrels do not touch down in our yard very often.

Which is to say...Here's hoping your rat encounters are now in the past.
[User Picture]
From:maka2000
Date:November 15th, 2007 09:12 pm (UTC)
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I also don't think you should eat off that brush anytime soon. Unless, you boil it first. Ahem.

Why no Avatar post? It was the first episode this season I loved! *waits*
[User Picture]
From:rachelmanija
Date:November 15th, 2007 09:24 pm (UTC)
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It's good to have body-moving friends!
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 16th, 2007 12:15 am (UTC)
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Ack! Appropriate icon! What does it mean?
[User Picture]
From:sinca
Date:November 15th, 2007 10:05 pm (UTC)
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You have just describe a scene from my nightmares. I am so serious. If that had happened to me, not only would I still be in a corner shaking, but I'd be refreshing Craigslist like MAD looking for a new place even though rats are common in urban areas. They freak me out so much! I say you're pretty brave to do all that.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:November 15th, 2007 10:23 pm (UTC)
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If I had been alone, I might have just, like, thrown something over it and then pretended it wasn't there and called Animal Control or something lame like that.

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