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For the Butchers in Detroit, for the Wireless in Ypsilanti - The Book of the Celestial Cow

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August 11th, 2006


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10:53 pm - For the Butchers in Detroit, for the Wireless in Ypsilanti
Dear Kristen Bell,

You know I think you're great, right? Like, besides thinking you're pretty and a talented actress with marvelous comic timing and delivery, I also love that we share some similar interests, like Stephen Sondheim and Christopher Pike. You seem like a fun person to know.

That being said: please never make a movie as bad as Pulse again.

Look, I can guess what happened. You saw the original Japanese version and thought it was fantastic. You read Wes Craven's original script and thought it was superb. You didn't know they would take the most superficial aspect of the original movie and try to build an entire lack of story around it. You didn't know they would push the release date back seventeen thousand times and reshoot and re-edit until the final product ended up being an INCOHERENT MESS.

Come on, Kristen. I am easy to please. I don't usually notice when the plots of movies are nonsense. As long as things seem to work out within the rules of the movie universe and adequately propel the plot forward in a remotely believable way, I don't mind. My favorite horror movies in recent memory are Freddy vs. Jason and Jason X, for fuck's sake. So when I call your new movie incoherent, you know I mean business.

I appreciate the message of the movie, the comment on the role of technology in our society. That's what you've been pushing in interviews, the reason this horror flick is "smarter" than most. And, sadly, I think you're still clinging to all the original idea because, dude, did you see the movie? It makes no sense. There are these flickery ghost-demon-alien-whatevers going around sucking the life out of people or something, but their behavior is erratic and nonsensical and not bound by any of the rules that would be naturally set by the metaphor. And, thus, the metaphor is a complete failure.

The horror is a complete failure. Because it makes no sense. If your message is that technology is evil, why the hell do your adversaries randomly pop up in bathroom stalls? In dryers? IN A FUCKING DRYER? THE GODDAMN DRYER WILL BE THE RUIN OF OUR CIVILIZATION?!

Sorry to yell at you, Kristen. I know it's not your fault. You yourself did a fine job with what you were given since you were the only character in the movie with even the slightest hint of depth. And you showed cleavage on multiple occasions, and I appreciate that. I really do. The tub scene was kind of a letdown, though. I saw more of you in Jane.

Sorry to perv at you, Kristen. But you are the one and only reason to see this movie. As I cannot endorse the movie entire, I was going to suggest that people buy a ticket for Pulse in order to support you and see something else instead. But I'm not sure that I want people to support your choice to make this movie, however misguided it may have been. If you give me an address, we can just send you eight dollars directly, how about that?

Because this movie is going to tank, see. There were fewer than 25 people in the theatre. Two of those people came because they'd seen ads on TV. One group simply chose the theatre that no one was going into. The final rationale we heard was that "it was playing at the right time."

If you want to be a big movie star, and who doesn't, this isn't the way to go about doing it. Jim Sonzero is no Gore Verbinski. Jim Sonzero, I think, saw a horror movie once and decided that was enough to make one himself. The washed-out color palette is effective, actually, but after a while it seems like his one good idea. And then you went gallivanting about with this Kyle Newman character? How are you choosing your directors? I really hope Fanboys is as fun and entertaining as it should be.

In conclusion, let's make out.

Love,
Sunil
Current Mood: flirtyflirty
Current Music: Emm Gryner - Stereochrome

(99 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


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[User Picture]
From:flinkkamingo3
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:05 am (UTC)
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Great. I'm going to see it tomorrow. I can't even count the amount of money I've waisted on movies this summer.

I'm bored, and this entertained me for a while. So thanks for that, at least.

Also: Christopher Freaking Pike!
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:11 am (UTC)
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Christopher Pike rules!

Glad to have entertained you.
From:hobviously
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:08 am (UTC)
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So those terrible commercials in April that made me convinced it was going to be horrible weren't just lousy commercials?

Snakes on a plane.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:12 am (UTC)
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No. None of the marketing had even made me really want to see it beyond the Kristen Factor.

I can't see SOAP on opening night! I made other plans already!
[User Picture]
From:shellabelle81
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:14 am (UTC)
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I was going to see this tomorrow, but I've heard so many bad things about it, that maybe I should just pretend it never happened.

And yes, Christopher Pike does indeed rule.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:17 am (UTC)
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Yay for Christopher Pike fans!
[User Picture]
From:athenacqd
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:24 am (UTC)
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Fall into Darkness! My favorite Christopher Pike book of all time. I do so prefer the ones grounded in reality to his more supernaturally dependant later books.

Good times.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:30 am (UTC)
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They made a movie out of that one with Tatyana Ali or something. It was not one of my favorites, I don't think. I liked both kinds of books he did, although sometimes I felt disappointed if I expected a supernatural one and got a psychotic-teenager one instead.

My first one was Bury Me Deep. Some reality favorites include Die Softly, Master of Murder, and Last Act, if only for the theatre setting. I loved the Last Vampire series and most of his adult novels. He's totally one of my favorite authors.
[User Picture]
From:squaringkarma
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:31 am (UTC)
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I'm a Christopher Pike fan too! First book was Last Act, it took so much not to read ahead in 6th grade English class. (Last Act was being read out loud by the teacher little by little during the course of the whole goddamn year.) So I read other CP books to occupy the time. And I can not tell you how many times I have thought about how confusing the plot can get with The Starlight Crystal. And I adore the Remember Me trilogy.

I need to take a pic of me wearing my bibliophile shirt and make it into an icon.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:33 am (UTC)
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Oh! Remember Me, of course! Yeah, I loved those books too. I never read The Starlight Crystal.

Also, good crap, you guys read Christopher Pike for English class??
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:12 am (UTC)
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The movie has nothing to do with Christopher Pike.

But you and your Pike- and Stine-hating self can shut yo' mouth!
[User Picture]
From:nylons
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:48 am (UTC)
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This letter. is. amazing. I never even got the trailer nor did I get the poster with the hands. Ha. I love this letter. & Laughed so hard. Thank you for making my evening, tomorrow, and week. (:
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:12 am (UTC)
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Aw, you're welcome!
[User Picture]
From:sterope
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC)
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Hmm, I was always an RL Stine reader in middle school. Anyway, I'm really glad I saw Little Miss Sunshine instead of getting forced to see Pulse, which almost happened.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:13 am (UTC)
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I've heard good things about that.

I read a lot of R.L. Stine too, but Pike was much, much better.
[User Picture]
From:electricmonk
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:22 am (UTC)
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I never wanted to see the movie for a second, but I did think of you every time the ad came on. Because I recognize Kristen Bell now! I learn, if slowly.
I second the recommendation for Little Miss Sunshine.
[User Picture]
From:aprilbegins
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:33 am (UTC)
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For the Butchers in Detroit, for the Wireless in Ypsilanti

And here we have the subject line of the week.

And oh my God, Christopher Pike! Though I never got as into his books as R.L. Stine. Now there was some good, not-wholly-depressing-all-the-time stuff for I the middle schooler.
[User Picture]
From:cindywrites
Date:August 12th, 2006 01:28 pm (UTC)
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I love your icon!
[User Picture]
From:mutinousmuse
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:50 am (UTC)
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Well. That certainly answers that question! ;)
[User Picture]
From:lonesomepioneer
Date:August 12th, 2006 08:04 am (UTC)
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My mom called me to tell me that she saw a trailer for a movie that looked absolutely horrible, but guess who was in it: Veronica Mars! I was all: "AND Boone! And I STILL CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO SEE IT!"

This is not helping with the "Veronica and Buffy have nothing in common" line, btw, what with the "also, they both star in shitty remakes of decent Japanese horror films in the summer breaks from filming their cult-favorite shows."
[User Picture]
From:cindywrites
Date:August 12th, 2006 01:32 pm (UTC)
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You just go with it. They do have some similarities (petite, young, blond, female leads on a crusade, who live in evil towns). You hang a lantern on the similarities, and then contrast their big differences, like the fact that there are no actual vampires, demons, magic, or monsters on VM, despite the monstrous behavior of some of the humans. And you point out that Veronica is no hero, and rather only a protagonist (at best, when she's not femme fatale). BtVS got seven years with craptacular ratings. I'll be happy if VM gets five.
[User Picture]
From:lspooreeyorick
Date:August 12th, 2006 08:05 am (UTC)
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I'm going to go a different direction than all the Pike-love.

Stephen. Freaking. Sondheim.

We love him. We went to his 75th birthday shindig at the Hollywood Bowl last year. Angela Lansbury and Len Cariou performed "A Little Priest" and I theatregasmed very loudly.

Also. Little Miss Sunshine is the best film we've seen since Junebug and Capote. (Both of which you should also see if you haven't.)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:53 pm (UTC)
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I haven't seen any of those three, but I have heard great things.

Sondheim!
[User Picture]
From:bennet_7
Date:August 12th, 2006 08:09 am (UTC)
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Ah Kristen. Why did you have to fall into the black vortex that is the teen horror movie? A few manage to pull themselves out and I think you'll be one of them but still, teen horror movie? What were you thinking?! Fanboys had better be the most awesome thing since my new shoes.

THE GODDAMN DRYER WILL BE THE RUIN OF OUR CIVILIZATION?!

Perhaps the dryer was a metaphor for global warming.

She likes Christopher Pike? I went insane over his books a couple of years ago. The Last Vampire series was my favourite.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:54 pm (UTC)
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I love that series! I mean, what other vampire series blended vampire lore with Hindu mythology? NONE.
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From:miniglik
Date:August 12th, 2006 09:06 am (UTC)
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Oh wow-- Christopher Pike. I loved him.

So, I told you I wasn't going to see this. Still no. Surprised?!?!??!

But, at least she was pretty, and you found that enjoyable. Go you!
[User Picture]
From:alannaofdoom
Date:August 12th, 2006 04:26 pm (UTC)
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(I love your icon. So much. Hee.)
[User Picture]
From:ryca
Date:August 12th, 2006 10:56 am (UTC)
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You're funny - can I add you as a friend?
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:56 pm (UTC)
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No problem. Glad you enjoyed!

Also, crap, dude, you're not that far away from me.
[User Picture]
From:psykodelicteddy
Date:August 12th, 2006 12:02 pm (UTC)
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AGREED (though wavering on the cleavage part due to pretty that was/is Ian :D). By the end of it all my sister and I just felt bad that she had to be part of this terrible, terrible movie. Le mooooo, poor Kristen.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:57 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, I know that Ian was a pull for some. But still.

I began feeling bad for her in the trailers, which made it seem like the entire movie was her saying, "Oh my God."
[User Picture]
From:cindywrites
Date:August 12th, 2006 01:32 pm (UTC)
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Kristen had cleavage?
[User Picture]
From:upanashad
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:46 pm (UTC)
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The MammoMax must be working.
[User Picture]
From:afrocurl
Date:August 12th, 2006 01:42 pm (UTC)
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I now think I can convince some friends going to BE Blowout to forgo this movie after this review! Thanks!
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:58 pm (UTC)
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Glad to be of service!
[User Picture]
From:alittlepunchy
Date:August 12th, 2006 01:50 pm (UTC)
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You have no idea how sad this makes me. I've been looking forward to 'Pulse' for a while, because I absolutely adore Kristen. And it's not just you, I've seen several KBell fans on LJ make posts about how they saw the movie and didn't like it. :(

Hmm...maybe since I don't like scary movies and have seen probably...less than ten, I'll be able to trick myself into thinking it's cool.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 06:59 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, I was hoping that it wasn't actually as bad as everyone said it was, because, like I said, I'm easy to please. But it really was just an incoherent mess.

Good luck on the self-tricking.
[User Picture]
From:catmint
Date:August 12th, 2006 01:59 pm (UTC)
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The original version of Pulse was disappointing, so I figured the remake would suck. And so it does.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:01 pm (UTC)
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Well, I've heard the original is actually good, and the metaphor works because it makes it clear that the adversaries are, you know, actual ghosts. And not just some random creatures that happened to be hiding out in a magic frequency or something.
[User Picture]
From:bspalek
Date:August 12th, 2006 02:52 pm (UTC)
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Awww. That was what I was afraid of. I feel bad, I wanted the movie to do well for her...
[User Picture]
From:zimshan
Date:August 12th, 2006 03:10 pm (UTC)
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Oh, no! Well, we're going to see it in an hour. So I guess I'll see the horribleness in full form.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:03 pm (UTC)
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Fifty Pills. No, I haven't.
(Deleted comment)
From:babsonite
Date:August 12th, 2006 03:28 pm (UTC)
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Wait, so there really was no plot? Here I thought I didn't get the plot because I was too busy staring at the pretty that was Kristen Bell and Ian Somerwhatever.

I wanted the hand scene to be longer, that was cool. I loved the special effects though. But I hated KB's makeup.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:August 12th, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)
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No, there was no plot because they never bothered to properly explain what the hell was going on. There were some evil creatures hiding out on a magic frequency ("that [they] didn't even know existed," what? Frequencies are just numbers! Were they on a transcendental frequency or something?) and...suddenly they're everywhere or something? It was stupid.

Which hand scene? With Kristen and Ian BONDING OVER TRAGEDY?

Kristen had a lot of eye shadow. Heh.

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