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Not a Pretty Boy - The Book of the Celestial Cow

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February 11th, 2005


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09:56 pm - Not a Pretty Boy
Last night at dinner, I met a girl. She was someone I'd seen around at pharmacology seminars, but I didn't know. It turned out she was an undergrad working in one of the labs, and now she was applying for the grad program. This is our recruiting weekend.

There is a certain type of beauty, at least in my system of aesthetics, I've found is quite rare. Off the top of my head, I can only think of two other girls I've seen who have the look. It's a look of serenity, the face of a girl in a Renoir painting. Features not sharp but lightly smoothed. The kind of face the lilt and flow of the word "lovely" was made to describe.

As I said, I'd seen her before, and she had intrigued me then, but now that I was talking to her, and the pretty face had a person behind it, I got an Instacrush that superseded my previous crush on a classmate with Black-Rimmed Glasses of Total Sexiness.

I steal glances at pretty women. Supposedly, this is very stalker-ish of me, but I'm only admiring from afar. A smile can slay me. I try to be discreet.

Once at Starbucks, a cute barista was chatting with her co-worker, and she said, "I know what anaerobic means." Because science is hot, I smiled in her direction. Then she saw me and smiled back, and I, confused and startled, quickly averted my eyes and awkwardly walked away.

Your appearance is the first thing someone notices about you, and perhaps I'm overly fixated on it. It's what draws the eyes. I'm frequently drawn to women, as the Biscuit might say.

And I wonder whether I have that effect on anyone. Does anyone ever steal glances at me? Do I look like a painting to anyone? Does anyone go home and try to visualize my face so they don't forget it?

Before you discover my rapier-like wit, pop-culture knowledge, and rudimentary grasp of the English language, you have to get past my exterior, which evidence suggests is at least reasonably attractive. But not attracting. Enchanting, alluring. I don't think I have participles working for me.

I'm not allowed to complain, though, am I. Because this is a world where it's the guy's responsibility to make the first move, and I've only ever asked out one girl in my entire life, and it was for coffee, over e-mail, and she never got around to responding, but when I ran into her again she informed me she meant to e-mail and tell me that "she couldn't," because she hated coffee, or she hated me, or she hated e-mail, or I have no idea. I've never been so bold as to use the word "date," though I've been on countless non-dates.

I am crippled by my absolute certainty that no girl is seriously attracted to me. But there's more to it than that. I've noticed that often when I steal my glances, I immediately give them back, my eyes reverting to their previous position. As if I'm not worthy. As if I don't deserve it.

It's possible I need a therapist. I went to a counselor at Rice once, though, and I was really uncomfortable talking about myself to a complete stranger in that setting. It kind of soured me on the whole process.

It's possible I'm too introspective for my own good. I can induce a sharp, cutting pain running from my heart to my stomach.

I'm not allowed to date anyway. If I did, I'd just get to lie to my mom even more. Besides, I'd be a horrible boyfriend. I'd be needy and overprotective and jealous and I'd ruin everything. Plus, I'm not sure how my soul would deal with the idea of a girl I liked liking me back. My being is too wrapped up in the word "unrequited." I'd have nothing to complain about.

Now, I just stop everything before it starts. I can't ask, because I'm afraid of what happens if she says no, and I'm afraid of what happens if she says yes.

It's possible I'm more afraid of what happens if she says yes.

I think that was the first genuine epiphany that came out of writing this.

I ought to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind a dozen more times until my subconscious realizes the correct answer to "What if it doesn't work out?" is "Who fucking cares?"

It is time to wind this entry down, with a quick reminder that I met a pretty girl last night.

I keep some fortunes in my wallet, fortunes I like especially that I'm waiting for to come true.

Someone special admires you.

With loose definitions of "special" and "admires," this one could be said to be true, but not in the way I'd like to interpret it.

The near future holds a gift of contentment.

This one did come true in its own way after I received it. I'm still waiting for more gifts, though. I'm greedy.

Today, at lunch, I got another fortune worthy of the wallet.

There's a secret romance blooming! Go for it, in spite of your hesitation.

I hate when life fucks with me like that.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Tegan and Sara - Come On

(49 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


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From:metabeta
Date:February 12th, 2005 03:00 am (UTC)
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Can you, perhaps, hear what I might say to this?

It involves the words "go" and "for" and "it" and "don't make me send another memo, bitch."

*mmhug*
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From:spectralbovine
Date:February 12th, 2005 03:15 am (UTC)
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You should turn the memo into a meme-o.
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From:dachelle
Date:February 12th, 2005 03:12 am (UTC)
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Hey, you're me! Except for like with the science and stuff, because I'm totally not smart enough for that. Anyways, I, the dateless wonder, am hardly qualified to give you advice, but {{hugs}} and understanding abound. And also, from your pics, I think you're quite nice-looking enough to attract attention.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:February 12th, 2005 03:16 am (UTC)
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Aw, thank you. *hugs back*
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From:alliterator
Date:February 12th, 2005 03:37 am (UTC)
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Hee. Listen to the fortune cookies! I find fortune are almost always right. Except for the ones that say, "Try again later." Those suck.
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From:foresthouse
Date:February 12th, 2005 03:46 am (UTC)
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It's possible I'm more afraid of what happens if [s]he says yes.

I can sympathize with that one!

But...why aren't you allowed to date?
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From:spectralbovine
Date:February 12th, 2005 04:00 am (UTC)
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I'm supposed to have an arranged marriage. Apparently, I am allowed to find my own wife if she's Indian and Gujarati (from our state). 95% of my conversations with my mom include her making sure I'm not dating.
From:fishinginthemud
Date:February 12th, 2005 04:18 am (UTC)
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I'm the same way, yo. I can make eye contact with someone who's already looking over at me, but I can't hold it. I always have to break my gaze first. Better to imagine what could have happened than to find out what won't happen.

Funny story: a friend of mine wanted to know what would happen if you just kept staring at a guy who was leering at you instead of looking away, so she did. He actually drove his car up to her and started having a conversation with her. I don't know if she learned her lesson from that or what.
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From:beathen
Date:February 12th, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)
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*hugs*

Now when you can't "date" what does that mean (i.e. at what base does it cross over from "more than friends" to dating)? (You know, holding hands, kissing, etc.)

I know you're pretty shy, and I think that's adorable, but what about "friends with benefits"? You could still be [somewhat] honest to your mom.

"No mom, I'm not dating."
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From:beathen
Date:February 12th, 2005 05:54 am (UTC)
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Darn, I'm still new to this board and haven't figured everything out yet. What I meant to say was...

"No mom, I'm not dating" [snicker in the background]
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From:ariiadne
Date:February 12th, 2005 09:52 am (UTC)
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I am willing to bet a large lego set that someone's stolen a glance at you in that fashion. A very large set indeed.

The idea of going forth and being bold is so much easier in theory than practice. ::hugs::
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From:kibarika
Date:February 12th, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC)
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"Because this is a world where it's the guy's responsibility to make the first move"

I've been a really crappy girl, then, because I'm way move-y. Like, way. WAY. My boyfriend now, he said to someone, "I'm going to go see this play that [mutual friend is in]" and I said "I'm coming with you!" and thus we had our first date. (Apparently he mentioned it in hopes I would say I wanted to go, so, um, I guess he made the subtle move and I made the obvious move.) I also gave him a card that was like, "HERE IS MY PHONE NUMBER. You know, if you want to, um, call me, sometime, ever."

Romance is scary. But also nice. I would go nuts if I had your "requirements" though. I ogle attractive men as often as I find them (not too often, I think, my standards are kind of high).

I did think it was hot that you said "participles." Grammar is sexy.
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From:sterope
Date:February 12th, 2005 05:12 pm (UTC)
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I totally agree with basically everything! I never act on any crush I have at all, although I'm trying to right now. It's so hard. I have this massive fear of rejection because the one time I asked someone out (to a dance in high school) he told me he couldn't because he was going to be out of town and then I found out he was going with another girl (who asked him after I did.) It was the most awful thing ever and has soured me on being bold forever. It sucks! But yeah, I hear ya. *Hug*
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From:golden_aurelia
Date:February 12th, 2005 06:41 pm (UTC)
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Dude. You need to make more trips to Chicago so I can take you on a tour of Devon. You need to be where you have some possibility of meeting Gujarati women if you plan to abide by this arranged marriage thing.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:February 12th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC)
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Ooh. As for abiding, it's not so much a plan as a bridge I haven't lit the torches to burn yet. It would be very convenient for me indeed to meet a Gujarati woman worth falling in love with. Right now, of course, it's a matter of not being able to deal with any women, wherever they're from.

I like your penguin.
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From:capnnick
Date:February 12th, 2005 08:10 pm (UTC)
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I hate fortunes cookies. And horoscopes. They all think I'm some sort of overbearing megalomaniac. Arr!

Women are nice, yes? Except when they're not. Then they kind of still are.
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From:jeeperstseepers
Date:February 13th, 2005 01:19 am (UTC)
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"Features not sharp but lightly smoothed."

So she's...fuzzy? Whatever floats your boat, dude.

I know where you're coming from with the not-allowed-to-date thing, but I can one-up you: I'm not supposed to be friends or hang out with guys, period. So nyeah. But I do anyway. Once in a while I tell the truth and other times I tell lies that have a grain of truth.

And your fortunes sound nice. You know you're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of every fortune, right?
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From:spectralbovine
Date:February 13th, 2005 01:47 am (UTC)
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So she's...fuzzy?

You freak. I'm no good at physical description. I just meant not...angular. I don't know.

I'm not supposed to be friends or hang out with guys, period.

I don't know whether that's the official policy for me, but it sure seems like it, since any girl friend is suspected of being a girlfriend. It's always, "Don't you have any guy friends?" And the ever popular, "Don't you have any Indian friends?" My best friend freshman year of college was a white girl, and her parents, because they are nice, invited me to their home for Christmas, and my parents freaked the fuck out.

They were all, "Who is she?" And I was all, "A friend!" And they were all, "What kind of a friend?" And I was all, "A...best...kind." And they were all, "No, you can't do that! You cannot cross the line! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY NYAH NYAH NYAH."

(In their defense, she did end up being my first kiss. But they didn't know that and it's not like I kiss every girl I know. Just...some of them.)

It is not happy fun times, me and the parents.

You know you're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of every fortune, right?

But of course.
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From:pixxi_is_dizzy
Date:February 13th, 2005 02:52 am (UTC)
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Last night I was reading on imdb about Howard Hughes (for some 4 am kind of reason.. I think it was Simpsons related.. anyways) and it told me that he went to Rice University and my first thought was "Oh my goodness! That Sunil guy went there too! Sweet!" and you're already fairly substantial coolness points went up a few more notches.

I'm that much of a dork. It's kinda sad.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:February 13th, 2005 02:59 am (UTC)
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Howard Hughes went to Rice? I didn't know that! How cool. I wonder what college he was at.

Oooh, he dropped out, though. Just like Candace Bushnell! I should have dropped out of Rice; I could have been famous.

Dorkiness is way cool.
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From:beathen
Date:February 13th, 2005 07:18 pm (UTC)
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What I'd like to know is why are you following what your parents have laid out for you in terms of marriage? Why do you feel compelled to let your parents decide how you should live your life and why not just tell then you are going to do things your way? I know I'm coming from a different perspective than you, especially regarding the religion, but in my opinion, as adults we should be able to decide what is right for ourselves instead of letting someone else dictate our lives.
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From:jennnk
Date:February 14th, 2005 12:47 am (UTC)
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I think you're cute, but I have a thing for dark haired/eyed guys and/or nerds.

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