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October 11th, 2009


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11:36 pm - They're Frrr-ustrating!
This morning, my mom called to ask for a favor: my grandparents had no one to drive them to the Diwali dinner. My grandfather just had eye surgery, and family drama with my aunt and uncle kept them from being accommodating. So it was up to me to drive down to Belmont and take them up to the temple in San Bruno. It turned out to be the same Diwali dinner I've gone to for the last couple years anyway.

Within minutes of entering, I spied a cute girl...whom I recognized. It couldn't be. You've got to be kidding me.

It was the second accountant. We'll call her Agent M, codename: Queen of the Flakes. As I related in that post, we had a very nice dinner a couple years ago, and she seemed agreeable to further meetings except she kept canceling them until I gave up. We remained Facebook friends, and sometimes I would send her a message asking how she was doing, and she would reply, and I would reply, but that's as far as it would go. Last year, she unexpectedly contacted me, which I used as an opportunity to attempt another meeting that, again, fell through despite our best efforts. And then she sent me a message at the beginning of this year, to which I responded but got no further response. She was my favorite potential future wife, so I held a tiny bit of hope that the stars would somehow align. And then a few months ago, she got engaged. I was this close to removing her since it seemed silly to keep her on based on one dinner and a relationship that consisted of "How are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Good." And then she left me a birthday message. Alas, she was a nice girl who sometimes noticed that I existed.

And here she was. We caught up. I was surprised she remembered things about me like where I lived, where I went to school, and that I had at least one younger sibling.

Her unexpected appearance seemed like some sort of bookend, a coda to this year of flaky women. On three separate and unrelated occasions, I have met a girl who appeared to enjoy my presence and expressed interest in seeing me, and in all three instances, that relationship either fizzled or never really materialized, albeit in different ways. I'm not even talking dating; regular friendship would suffice. I just don't make much of an impression, whereas I am very impressionable.

Agent M introduced me to her cousin, who was male, which meant I had a seating companion—at our awesomely sexist Indian functions, men and women sit in separate sections. I also met a recently married couple and explained how to use LinkedIn. I gave the woman my business card since she was looking for a job in the biotech industry. (She had been complaining that she didn't know anyone here that she wasn't related to, which allowed me to say, "Hi, I'm Sunil, I'm not related to you." Unfortunately, I spoke too fast and had to repeat myself, leaving out the flourish.)

Agent M had only come to the Diwali dinner since she'd never been and she thought she might as well go to one before she left. Her fiancé was in Florida, and she was moving there. I didn't get a chance to pull her aside and ask how that whole thing had worked out. Could she tell from his biodata that he was the guy? Did they have lively e-mail conversations? How long did they talk before their parents asked one of them to go meet in person? I've already got a new current potential future wife; I need to know these things.

As she left, she said that it was good to see me—and the feeling was mutual—and she would e-mail me when she was back in town, since she had a client here.

Yeah, we'll see about that.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Dirt Poor Robins - Light in My Darkness

(22 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:cerulgalactus
Date:October 12th, 2009 06:54 am (UTC)
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I won't sing the Diwali song at you.
[User Picture]
From:lembeau
Date:October 12th, 2009 12:24 pm (UTC)
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You said biodata!! Polter, I heart you. :OD

I wish you could have pulled her aside and asked. Maybe email her? Even now I sometimes feel like I'm floundering when it comes to Dude and I have resorted to talking to my sister-in-law. Even even though how she and my brother got married is so different than my story but she's the only one geographically close to me atm that doesn't mind talking to me. I am always looking for other people's experiences to help me understand and think of things to do or ask or say.

I think I missed something somewhere, who's the new current potential?
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 12th, 2009 02:58 pm (UTC)
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You didn't miss anything; she's very new. I just e-mailed her for the first time last night. We'll see how that goes.
[User Picture]
From:ashfae
Date:October 12th, 2009 01:05 pm (UTC)
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at our awesomely sexist Indian functions, men and women sit in separate sections.

And they wonder why it's hard for you to meet Indian women? Baaaaaah.
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 07:25 pm (UTC)
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Hey, sometimes timing really *is* everything. My fingers are crossed for you. :D
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 12th, 2009 07:31 pm (UTC)
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Do I just happen to meet women when they're REALLY REALLY BUSY? Why am I not worth making time for?
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC)
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This is actually a complicated question. You kind of have to put yourself in her shoes, and think like a girl to boot.

My answer would be: yes. No man is worth killing yourself for until you know him a little bit better. It's scary. You're taking a risk. You don't want to put yourself forward too much, because then guys lose interest. On top of that, you're overwhelmed as usual by life, and you did make a few overtures, but he didn't really respond, and why couldn't he chase you? CAN'T HE SEE YOU'RE INTERESTED AND SHIT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO WEAR?

I'm not saying that's always the case. But it could be, and often is even when you really like a guy. And if you've only met a guy a couple of times and just liked him, that makes taking the risk and making the effort even scarier. Even with my hubby I had to play it cool sometimes, and I'm the most anti-games person you'll ever meet. (He got scared by how ready I was to commit. I told him I loved him on our first date. How Val is an idiot: part 2.)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 12th, 2009 07:51 pm (UTC)
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I told him I loved him on our first date.
You totally Mosbyed him!!

You don't want to put yourself forward too much, because then guys lose interest.
Who are these guys? I want girls I am interested in to show interest in me! It is heartening! If confusing and abnormal.

On top of that, you're overwhelmed as usual by life, and you did make a few overtures, but he didn't really respond, and why couldn't he chase you?
I would chase but I fear that would be annoying and stalkery. I do have no idea what's going on on the other end, but it's a vicious circle because once I have made my overtures with no response, I have to step back, but then there is no way to indicate that, by the way, if you ever stop being totally busy, I would welcome an overture from you at some point. She might assume that I never want to hear from her again, when it is in fact the opposite.
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC)
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I don't know about her, but by the way, if you ever stop being totally busy, I would welcome an overture from you at some point always worked for me assuming it was accompanied by a sincere-sounding voice/text.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 12th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC)
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Well, my last communication was a voicemail suggesting dinner the following night or Saturday, and I think there was a "Hope to hear from you soon" at the end. This was because she had said she would call me about getting together that week and never did, and I said that I was gathering that she was busy. No response since then, and that was two weeks ago. Maybe I should take the hint, but I don't know whether it's a hint or not? It doesn't make any sense. I am pretty sure overtures were welcome from her end, but she does not seem interested in making them at this time.
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 08:56 pm (UTC)
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I'm confused. I thought you just saw her...ok. Nevermind. Starting from "you left a message and she didn't return it," it's possibly/probably a no, but life is complicated, so I'd make sure. If you have her email, email -- that way it mixes up the media -- and say "I don't know if you got the message, but I suggested [stuff]. If you're interested, let me know. Regardless, I hope you're having a great week - it was nice seeing a friendly face the other day" or whatever.

Good luck whatever you decide!!
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 12th, 2009 09:06 pm (UTC)
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I'm confused. I thought you just saw her...ok.
Oh, I'm talking about someone else!

I'd already sent her multiple e-mails (for unrelated reasons, not all just the same, "Hey, let's do stuff"), none of which she responded to. She clearly knows I'm interested. She could e-mail me if she were.
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC)
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Ohhhhhhh.

Yeah. People do stuff like that, and they suck. This is why I believe in honesty being the best policy. Sadly, not everyone does.

She sucks. *hugs*
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 12th, 2009 09:19 pm (UTC)
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And I just checked io9 for kicks and saw that she'd just posted an article about nanoparticles, which I am totally interested in and am talking about in my cancer pharmacology workshop. I would e-mail her about it if it weren't awkward. Damn her for being interesting!
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 09:36 pm (UTC)
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Two/three embarrassing stories that will might help:

1. I threw myself at the most amazing guy in high school and we had everything in common and he was kind, intelligent, and knew a lot about the world (which no one but no one does at that age, but he'd lived all over the world and was just incredibly, ridiculously thoughtful and well-adjusted). Yeah, apparently he found me pathetic/sweet yet creepy. Sigh.

2. The college guy I threw myself at also had everything in common with me. Turns out he was gay. We will call that improvement.

3. Everyone said it was going to work out with my hubby, including my hubby. But I had faith, and you know what? I was right. Because it takes time and stress but with hard work and luck, you'll find that person who, eventually, will realize you walk on water, too. :)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 12th, 2009 09:38 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for sharing. *hugs*
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 09:38 pm (UTC)
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edit: Everyone said it wasn't going to work out with my hubby. /headdesk
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 07:51 pm (UTC)
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Furthermore, if she has brains, she'll email. :) Just don't forget to give her a little encouragement when she does.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 12th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
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I always give encouragement! It is ineffective!
[User Picture]
From:valancy
Date:October 12th, 2009 08:08 pm (UTC)
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Just remember: the amount of encouragement is equal to the level of intimacy. Too much, and they run away. Too little, and they give up. I've been on both ends. Though mostly too much end. ;D

Just met = subtle, sweet hints at catching up and an offer of coffee buying or movie-ing, etc.

Dating = Asking if you have plans this weekend, telling that person sometimes why they're really cool/great/how you appreciate the [specific aspect you're getting to know].

Boyfriend/girlfriend = Assuming you have plans, bigger displays of affection up to and including magic stereos on the lawn playing peter gabriel.

Marriage = Throwing your body in front of spouse when threatened by lions, etc. Nothing is to extreme, including doing the dishes when you're not asked to.
[User Picture]
From:punzerel
Date:October 12th, 2009 11:49 pm (UTC)
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a) HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN SIT TOGETHER? Dude. Even we sit together at events, we just pray separately.

b) Boy-girl communication is so ridiculously complicated, it kind of makes me want to jump off a cliff sometimes. I think every girl needs a boy to analyze other boys for her, and guys need the same thing for understanding girls.
[User Picture]
From:tackdriver56
Date:October 13th, 2009 01:21 am (UTC)
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Agent M is 100 percent plastic. Maybe it's cultural, but I stopped playing games with women, as soon as they pulled that crap even ONCE, in college.

Honesty is the most valuable relationship currency. Agent M is bankrupt.

You will have the best luck by letting your friends and coworkers know you are looking for a serious relationship. They will have a good idea who you are, and some idea of who you might get along with, and also whether SHE is serious and available (or if she's in a bad relationship, and will *be* available soon).

Your friends may make better picks for you than you will for yourself.

And: Don't sleep with the insane.

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