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Take a Good Hard Look at the Motherfucking Boat - The Book of the Celestial Cow

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August 4th, 2009


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11:52 pm - Take a Good Hard Look at the Motherfucking Boat
A little after one in the morning, my phone rang, waking me up and completely disorienting me. It was my brother asking a question about the rules of Family Business. They thought I'd still be awake. Given that I have to wake up at six, no, I would not be awake.

In bed, however, I remembered some things I'd forgotten to write about Earth, Wind, and Fire. Earth loved hotel sheets and was so spoiled by them that she couldn't sleep in anything below a 300 thread count. I had no idea what thread count my sheets at home were. I figured they were a 5. And Fire asked me where I was from originally and accepted "Texas" as a valid answer. I had thought she was perhaps sussing out my region of India for marriage compatibility, but no. Finally, I had wanted to mention that Wind was very petite, like Kristen Bell-size, whereas Fire was more regular-sized, though still slim.

The trio were late this morning, and I ended up sitting next to Wind. "Good morning," she said as I sat down. She seemed to be the friendlier and more outgoing of the two Indian girls.

We conspired to go out for lunch since Fire had practically starved the day before since she couldn't find a wrap she could eat, but the course ran over a bit and we didn't get the full hour, making it difficult to go somewhere and come back in time. Luckily, she could eat the lunch today.

During lunch, Earth tried to learn about the caste system. Fire clearly has a more modern upbringing, given that she believes the caste system only exists in the most rural parts of India these days. Sorry, missy, the caste system is alive and well even in America, trust me. She and Wind proceeded to relate horror stories of boys she knew who'd gotten wives from the wife factory and not been able to communicate with them. She spoke of one guy who'd gone on vacation with his parents...who then made him marry this girl. THAT IS TOTALLY SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME. They didn't get along, and he ended up hitting her. "That sounds to me like it's his problem," I said, but Fire didn't seem to get my point, just noting that it was an example of how bad these things could turn out. She had met her beau in pharmacy school.

The afternoon session included workshops. We were split into groups, and I ended up in a group with another Indian girl who was there. Mildly cute, but not my type. She has yet to introduce herself to me, though I have glanced at her nametag. Perhaps we could call her Water. (And, yes, believe me, I am looking for a suitable Heart.) I don't think I've ever seen this many Indian girls at one of these things before.

You know how in any class, there's the one guy who asks a lot of questions? We have a guy who doesn't ask a lot of questions. Instead, he comments on everything with his vast and expansive knowledge because the instructors are clearly not being comprehensive enough and he just has to share everything he knows about everything. I am beginning to suspect he's either a plant to training to be an instructor for the course. Otherwise, I cannot figure out what the hell he's doing here since he obviously knows everything there is to know. Maybe he is just keeping his daughter company. The thing is, some of what he adds to the discussion is kind of interesting and useful, but the sheer volume and frequency of his oar-sticking is overwhelmingly annoying. When we got to the section on adverse event reporting, which is WHAT I DO ALL DAY, I resisted the urge to be That Guy. Don't let me be That Guy, you guys.

Fire and Wind whispered to each other through most of the course. There was not enough whispering to me. Although Wind did glance at my answer to one question ("Non-serious, so it's all good") and laughed.

The trio disappeared when the day ended, and although Wind and Fire had expressed interest in attending the dinner cruise, it seemed Earth had convinced them to skip it, since they did not show up. We even waited ten minutes for them.

One of the women from the course introduced me to her husband, a foreign-looking man with a foreign name and a foreign-sounding accent. He said that he thought Boston was really great, and I asked him where he was from.

"Morocco," he said.

Thrown, I clarified, "Oh, no, where do you live?" I CANNOT WIN. NO ONE CAN WIN IN THE FROMNESS GAME. He had only moved from Morocco a year ago, so he was probably used to answering with that. Even though all I wanted to know was that he was from Worcester.

We took a trolley to the Galleria, where we boarded the dinner cruise...which was on a rinky-dinky boat a couple yards wide and eight or nine yards long. It was not what I had imagined. But there was some good crackers and cheese and strawberries to tide us over for a while. I have eaten so many strawberries in the last two days. There are always strawberries.

I met a very nice Indian man who did have the slightest accent, even though his English was clear; he actually had grown up in Mumbai and was from India, although he was most recently from San Diego. But now he was from Boston. Or Cambridge. I liked him. I need to meet more nice Indian people! My parents would be so happy! Unfortunately, I did not give him my card, and now I will never see him again.

The boat ride was pretty neat. We got a nice view of Boston and went under bridges and used the magical locks. See, you go through one into a little watery corridor...and then the water level falls! Or rises, depending on what direction you're going. And then the other one opens and you continue into the water at a different elevation. It's craaaazy, kind of like depressurizing after coming in from an airlock.

The Boston courthouse looks really cool! I would show you a picture, but I can't right now. Wait till next week! Also for pictures of the pretty sunset and me on a boat. Yes, I did call my brother and declare to his voicemail, "I'm on a boat!"

At sundown, the U.S.S. Constitution shot its cannon and played some music. It was underwhelming and not nearly as awesome as hoped.

Much like dinner, which was salmon and chicken and tortellini, all of which were generally mediocre but passable. I had had visions of fancy shrimp cocktail and whatnot. Dinner cruise, people!

I had planned on hanging with Wind and Fire, but without them there, I talked to some of the other people there, which was nice. I was tired after dinner, though, and there was still more than an hour of traversing the Charles River to go. Peaceful as it was, I was very sleepy and had trouble staying awake. Hell, I can barely stay awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Andy Hunter - Come On

(13 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


From:sainfoin_fields
Date:August 5th, 2009 04:08 am (UTC)
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You know how in any class, there's the one guy who asks a lot of questions?

I am that guy. It works wonders for popularity, let me tell you.
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From:bookie85
Date:August 5th, 2009 04:13 am (UTC)
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The Boston courthouse looks really cool!

Which one? Most of them do have really pretty architecture.
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From:smrou
Date:August 5th, 2009 04:22 am (UTC)
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Given that he was on the water I bet he means the federal courthouse on the waterfront. Which is indeed pretty cool.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:August 5th, 2009 10:22 am (UTC)
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The one with a concave arc of glass for no apparent reason.
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From:smrou
Date:August 5th, 2009 04:20 am (UTC)
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Take a Good Hard Look at the Motherfucking Boat
When you found out you'd be going on a dinner cruise did you feel like you'd jumped the gun using the "I'm on a Boat" reference for the "I'm on a Plane" post?

The trio disappeared when the day ended, and although Wind and Fire had expressed interest in attending the dinner cruise, it seemed Earth had convinced them to skip it, since they did not show up. We even waited ten minutes for them.
Why would anyone want to skip a dinner cruise? I'd love a free dinner cruise! I like...being on boats.

We took a trolley to the Galleria, where we boarded the dinner cruise...which was on a rinky-dinky boat a couple yards wide and eight or nine yards long.
Oh. Well that's not very impressive. That's definitely not what I was imagining. Your dinner cruise sounds rather underwhelming.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:August 5th, 2009 10:25 am (UTC)
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When you found out you'd be going on a dinner cruise did you feel like you'd jumped the gun using the "I'm on a Boat" reference for the "I'm on a Plane" post?
Heh. I had the "I'm on a plane" reference planned for a while, and I didn't even put together that I would be on a boat (even though I knew about the dinner cruise) until recently.

Why would anyone want to skip a dinner cruise? I'd love a free dinner cruise! I like...being on boats.
You don't not like not being on boats.

Oh. Well that's not very impressive. That's definitely not what I was imagining. Your dinner cruise sounds rather underwhelming.
It was! But it makes more sense that it was free.
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From:chrryblssmninja
Date:August 5th, 2009 08:17 am (UTC)
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We have a guy who doesn't ask a lot of questions. Instead, he comments on everything with his vast and expansive knowledge because the instructors are clearly not being comprehensive enough and he just has to share everything he knows about everything.
SHOOT HIM


aww, I want to go through the bridges and locks
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From:ashfae
Date:August 5th, 2009 01:00 pm (UTC)
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Alas that your dinner cruise was disappointing. But free food for the win? Mmmm free food. And boating. And fun people. Yay!

Damn the fromness game. You're right, no one can win it.
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From:barenakedjanie
Date:August 5th, 2009 04:35 pm (UTC)
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Your 'behind the cut' titles are very misleading. I feel ripped off. Where's the mermaid?
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From:omoo
Date:August 6th, 2009 12:59 am (UTC)
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NO ONE CAN WIN IN THE FROMNESS GAME
Atlantic Canada has a special version of the the fromness game. Here they ask "Who's your father" and if it's not someone they know or know of and can relate to three generations back, your a Come From Away. I know people who's parents moved here and even though they grew up here are still considered Come From Aways. So nope, no one wins in any version.

Your excitment over locks amuses me.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:August 6th, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)
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THEY'RE SO COOL! THE GUY SAID THE PUMPS ARE SO POWERFUL THEY COULD DRAIN THE CHARLES RIVER.
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From:soundingsea
Date:August 6th, 2009 02:58 am (UTC)
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You know how in any class, there's the one guy who asks a lot of questions? We have a guy who doesn't ask a lot of questions. Instead, he comments on everything with his vast and expansive knowledge because the instructors are clearly not being comprehensive enough and he just has to share everything he knows about everything.

We used to call this guy "Theoretical Guy".

I cannot say anything about the "wife factory" horror stories except aieeeee...
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From:spectralbovine
Date:August 6th, 2009 03:03 am (UTC)
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You know, it means a lot to me that you caught up and commented on the posts you missed. *hug*

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