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October 17th, 2008


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04:39 pm - What Can Brown Do for You?
I am sort of Indian, sometimes. I'm certainly not Indian enough for my parents, who want me to have more Indian friends and marry an Indian girl, but I am...sort of Indian, sometimes.

There's Ravi (zetetyc). We met freshman year at Rice, in fencing class. Amusingly enough, the reason we got to know each other is because we had the same last name, so our lockers were right next to each other. And Hanszen and Sid were on the same side of campus, so we walked home together. The color of our skin was incidental, but I have no idea at this point what we actually talked about. There were other Indians at Rice, and I met several of them when I did a bhangra dance for South Asian Night, but I didn't connect with them the way I connected with Ravi. Somehow, Ravi became incorporated into my group of friends that branched out from Alexis, and we hung out a lot, and we visited his house several times, and I met his family. He's my Token Indian Friend.

I saw him yesterday in Sundance Square; we browsed the graphic novel section at Barnes and Noble and I gave him recommendations. We then browsed the sci-fi/fantasy section and he gave me recommendations (and a copy of The Name of the Wind). I think we had fallen a little out of touch post-graduation, as tends to happen, but I'm glad to have gotten back in fairly regular contact this past year.

Then there's Piyusha. I don't remember exactly how we met. It was either at Anand Bazaar, the annual giant desi D/FW gathering scheduled around Independence Day, or the SAT class at the Hindu temple. It's sad that I have so little specific recollection of time just a decade ago, but I do remember that we e-mailed a lot. A lot. I wish I had saved all those e-mails before my Hotmail address went kaput. We also called each other and talked for a long time; I had to be all secretive since I was talking to a girl. She was dating someone at the time, so it wasn't as if I could do anything, but, in retrospect, I had pretty strong feelings that I just didn't recognize and couldn't characterize at that age. I may have thought it was love, the way I kept thinking about her, but then a few years later I discovered how all-consuming love could really be. I say all this because in those days, I did actually have crushes on Indian girls. Because I was exposed to them more often, being forced to go to all the functions, participating in the folk dances every year. Most I didn't know very well, and the attraction was purely physical, and I don't know if I would crush on them now, but the fact remains that I once did. I've changed a lot from that person, and I do hope the Liking Indian Girls trait has remained, or I'm going to be in trouble.

We fell out of touch during college; I think I saw her once on a visit home...six or seven years ago. But a few weeks ago, I was browsing Facebook and saw a "Piyusha" in a friend's friends, and it reminded me of her, so I did a search and...there she was. I hoped she remembered me. She did, and she was really happy to hear from me and glad that "poltrcow" still existed. If I were British, I would have been chuffed. She had just gotten married five months ago. She looked very happy in her picture.

We met for lunch today in Dallas. She had thought I was in the Corolla because, Indian, but I waved to her from inside a giant Dodge van. I suggested we eat at Potbelly since we had none in California, so we went in her car. She asked me not to make fun of her for having a five-foot gorilla in the backseat. On the ride there and over lunch, we caught up. It was interesting. Because, as I said, I remember so little about our relationship when we were teenagers (except the name of her boyfriend at the time, which elicited a "Good memory!"), but we had been good friends. And we had both grown since then and become slightly different people, but we were still friends now, despite our hiatus.

So I have to keep reminding myself that there are Indians out there I can relate to, whom I can carry on conversations with. The trick is finding them and not being afraid to talk to them. It may be that I'm having a similar issue to the one I have with girls in general: I'm more afraid of what happens if they say yes. I'm afraid of actually making more Indian friends because then I'll be fulfilling my parents' wishes and making them happy. What will I have to complain about then? I have to reclaim my friendships. I have to reclaim my wife search. Damn you, Jhumpa Lahiri. I want more Indian friends because I want to be more than just sort of Indian, sometimes.
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Tegan and Sara - Monday Monday Monday

(38 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:sneaker328
Date:October 17th, 2008 09:51 pm (UTC)
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What ever happened with that girl with no brothers?

Because I have added a whole host of people to my list I can show your parents of women I know with only brothers who had only daughters, or had only sisters and had plenty of sons.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 17th, 2008 10:56 pm (UTC)
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The girl with no brothers sort of lost interest, I guess. And is now back in India, I think? Eh, whatever.
(Deleted comment)
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From:spectralbovine
Date:October 17th, 2008 10:56 pm (UTC)
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He just gave it to me yesterday! And it's a billion pages long! And I am reading other books at the moment! But I will read it because everyone says it is AWESOME.
(Deleted comment)
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From:rowanceleste
Date:October 17th, 2008 11:31 pm (UTC)
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Did you check out Shaadi.com yet? I checked it out, but even though I find Indian boys cute, #1 I'm Sri Lankan and we don't have caste systems and 2) I'm American that that pretty much even trumps the Sri Lankan part because it's not like I was even born there nor do I speak either Tamil or Sinhalese. Plus they ask all these questions to which I don't know the answer, like my 'sun sign' or Manglik or Kuja Dosham? What the fuck does that even mean... Plus, they also require to enter your phone number as a contact to be validated, so anyone you 'accept' sees your phone number, rather than just giving your email address or IM before you decide if you want to give out your number? If you're serious about an Indian bride though...they do seem to be more of a 'marriage' site than a dating site and it's very Indian-specific!
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From:spectralbovine
Date:October 17th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC)
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I don't know what any of that means either! You are doing a good job of dissuading me from checking it out! Aargh, that site scares me.
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From:electricmonk
Date:October 17th, 2008 11:59 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, I wonder if making friends with Indian people is harder or less attractive than making friends with other people because there's so much pressure behind it for you. It's harder to focus on simple, stupid, enjoyable social interactions when everything's so loaded with potential implications. But maybe that's what you already said at the end there.
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From:rachelmanija
Date:October 18th, 2008 01:22 am (UTC)
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Have you ever been in therapy? Seriously, even if you had to do it secretly, all your issues (girls, Indians, family, your family demanding that you marry an Indian girl) are all the classic issues that people explore and learn how to deal with in therapy.

(Okay, not being Indian specifically, but identity issues. And not being forced to marry Indians specifically, but family pressures in general.)

Therapy helped me a lot and honestly you are way less of a mess than I was. I recommend it.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 18th, 2008 01:31 am (UTC)
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I had a bad, uncomfortable experience with a counselor in college, and it sort of soured me on the whole therapy idea. Although I do know many people have had success, and it depends on the therapist. I'm not really sure how to go about finding one. And how expensive they are.

Edited at 2008-10-18 01:36 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:eldritch_flame
Date:October 18th, 2008 01:39 am (UTC)
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The Name of the Wind sounds like an interesting book. Although "billion pages long" sounds somewhat daunting. Could you perhaps report back if it is very good?

I'm afraid of actually making more Indian friends because then I'll be fulfilling my parents' wishes and making them happy. What will I have to complain about then?
It sucks when something you want to do coincides with the wishes of someone you want to defy. I still hope you makes some more Indian friends. Just... despite your parents' approval?
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From:spectralbovine
Date:October 18th, 2008 01:49 am (UTC)
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I will certainly report back! But until then, you should read Seanan's review.
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From:idreamofpeace
Date:October 18th, 2008 02:27 am (UTC)
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Facebook is truly awesome. I found my best friend from high school whom I had been trying to locate forever.

I hope you meet your desi girl soon;)
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From:janedoe4
Date:October 18th, 2008 02:28 am (UTC)
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I had a decent number of Indian friends in college through a particular activity, but we saw ourselves as the nonconformist (progressive, feminist, etc.) Indian group on campus. Many a fascinating conversation was had about what it means to be "Indian enough" anyway; I wish I could remember our conclusions. Since college I've of course incidentally come into contact with various Indians, but not felt any unique connection to them. It would be nice if there were more organized groups in the real world of Indians-but-not-really-like-those-people-who-identify-as-really-Indian.

And shaadi.com is scary.
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 18th, 2008 03:30 am (UTC)
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It would be nice if there were more organized groups in the real world of Indians-but-not-really-like-those-people-who-identify-as-really-Indian.
Seriously. I mean, sure, I like having a culture, but...I also like being me.

And shaadi.com is scary.
Right?? Holy God, there is a field in "Partner Preference" for "HIV Positive." Um...I'm going with No there, Bob.
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From:punzerel
Date:October 18th, 2008 03:45 am (UTC)
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You put "determined" as your mood, and I'm not sure why, but that makes me want to give you a hug. So here is a hug. :)
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From:spectralbovine
Date:October 18th, 2008 07:26 pm (UTC)
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Because I'm "determined" to be more Indian? Or something? Also, I've never used that mood before. Oh, Jet.
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From:miniglik
Date:October 18th, 2008 05:23 am (UTC)
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*SQUISH*

(It's late. No more to say right now.)
[User Picture]
From:dharmavati
Date:October 19th, 2008 01:38 am (UTC)
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I want more Indian friends because I want to be more than just sort of Indian, sometimes.

Yeah, I've encountered that feeling way too many times.

As for the wife-hunt:

[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 19th, 2008 04:16 am (UTC)
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Ha! That's awesome.

"You like my biodata. B-I-O-D-A-T-A!"
[User Picture]
From:ashfae
Date:October 21st, 2008 02:48 pm (UTC)
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I have female Indian friends you would like a lot, most notably diotina and arialas. Not datable if only for distance reasons, but perhaps it will comfort you to know they exist?
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:October 22nd, 2008 12:14 am (UTC)
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It is definitely nice to know they exist. Thanks.

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