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April 8th, 2008


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10:51 pm - So When the Smoke Clears, Here I Am
My family seems pretty determined to have my wedding in December.

Never mind that we haven't found me a wife yet.

They seem pretty hopeful about this latest candidate, though, who just happens to be in Oakland. I've seen some pictures, and she looks all right. My mom seemed to think it was some sort of plus that she kind of looks like my little sister, but I think it's weird! I don't want to be reminded of my little sister when I'm...doing...things.

She's an accountant, since apparently all Indian women become accountants. And that's basically all I know about her besides the fact that she has a good family and she has a brother, which is important for some reason no one will explain to me. We actually passed on the previous candidate because she didn't have a brother. And because of her alien nose and vampire teeth. And possibly something with her family.

So, at some point, I assume I'll be given her e-mail address and/or phone number, and I'll have to talk to her and see if I want to marry her. I'm not looking forward to it.

The first girl they gave me was an accountant. I waited four months to e-mail her because I was too freaked out at the prospect of the process actually starting. I had no idea what to say. When I finally did send her an e-mail that was basically an account of my day in an attempt to let her know what I was like, she replied with specific comments about parts of my story, which was promising. So I replied to her, and then I never heard from her ever again. Luckily, my mom later became uninterested in her anyway.

Around that time, my mom's brother's wife's brother's wife got me in touch with a girl she thought I might like; she didn't let my family know about it in order to avoid all the hullabaloo. This girl had the same name as the first girl, and she was also an accountant. Hilarious. But she was in the area, so we had dinner one night, and she was cuter in person than in her pictures, and we had good, non-stop conversation throughout dinner even though I felt like I was completely uninteresting and boring, and I kind of liked her in spite of her inability to spell her favorite TV shows correctly and usage of heavy textspeak in text messages. After that night, I tried to arrange other meetings, but she was always busy or had to cancel, so after a while, I just stopped trying, hoping that one day she'd actually try to arrange a meeting with me, and now we're still Facebook friends, and she could care less about me if she cared more.

The one time I ever asked a girl out, it turned out she hated coffee or e-mail or Simpsons references or me.

And let's not forget my two epic bouts of unrequited love.

Do I make that little impression on women? It's all well and good to be told how awesome I am, how any girl would be lucky to have me, et cetera, but every time I make any sort of meaningful attempt to have some semblance of a relationship, it leads to nothing. I don't so much as get my foot in the fucking door. And this is why I don't bother ringing the doorbell.

This whole stupid process appeared to be about finding the woman I want to marry, but it turns out it's really about finding a woman who actually wants to marry me.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Emm Gryner - Stereochrome

(103 memoirs | Describe me as "inscrutable")

Comments:


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[User Picture]
From:seawench
Date:April 9th, 2008 06:15 am (UTC)
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My desi best friend has a sister who used to work for the Bush administration in a position that put her in contact with royalty from the tiny little countries at the bottom of the arabian penninsula. The stink when she thought about marrying one of those guys was legendary.

It's comforting to know that my family will put up with just about anyone at this point, so long as he's not an Orthodox Jewish heavy metal guitarist. I have worked at lowering the bar.
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From:sneaker328
Date:April 9th, 2008 10:49 am (UTC)
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Orthodox Jewish heavy metal guitarist

*eyes glaze over*

Where can I find this guy?
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From:the_narration
Date:April 9th, 2008 06:34 am (UTC)
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I don't envy you, man. If my parents were trying to push me to get married within a year, I'd be pulling my hair out.

I've always felt like a meaningful relationship is something that has to develop organically, rather than being sought out. Like maybe if someone meets a woman and they're thinking "Can I get her to marry me?" they're going to come off needy and drive her away. I think you have to have been with somebody a long time before you start thinking those sorts of thoughts. But then, I haven't had a long-term relationship in years, so what do I know?
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From:latropita
Date:April 9th, 2008 07:20 am (UTC)
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Oh, cow! *hugs* That is a tight schedule for a wedding. Obviously I don't have any useful love advice, and I extra don't know about marriage, but if I've learned anything, it's...I don't know. Don't mistake other things for love. That's probably easier in an arranged marriage.

If you marry an accountant, at least you won't have to balance the checkbook? That seems like a nice bonus.
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From:tiurin
Date:April 9th, 2008 08:48 am (UTC)
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You need to find some way to lower expectations! At this point, I think my parents will be relieved just to have confirmation that I'm not gay.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:April 9th, 2008 02:54 pm (UTC)
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My family also expects me to be making $100K in the next few years. I really wish they'd stop expecting anything at all of me.
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From:sneaker328
Date:April 9th, 2008 10:53 am (UTC)
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Aww, man.

I had to laugh that all the girls you date are accountants, seeing as 99% of the guys I've dated are accountants as well. Indian women and Jewish men clearly monopolize the profession.
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From:squaringkarma
Date:April 12th, 2008 06:07 am (UTC)
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Then my dad must break all the rules because he's a Christian accountant :P
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From:imwalde
Date:April 9th, 2008 11:55 am (UTC)
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That sucks. However else my parents can drive me crazy, they at least will never interfere on this front. Or, if they ever dared try, I could shut down their attempts in a heartbeat. It sucks that you can't or feel you can't.

One of my best friends in high school, Mary, (who I have since lost touch with, so I don't know how her story ends...) had a similar situation. Her parents insisted that she had to marry a nice Christian Indian boy. At college she met a nice Hindi Indian boy, and they flipped out, like LOST THEIR SHIT when she told them they were dating. Much crying and wailing. I told her she could try to give them some perspective, by first introducing a girl, being all, just kidding, then bringing out a rastafarian or something, being all, just kidding, then introducing a surfer frat boy type, and when they are freaking out, saying, gotcha, and then introduce her perfectly nice Indian boy, who just happens not to be Christian.

Gah. That is probably not comforting. From observation of other friends, parents seem to ease up a bit on who you should marry the longer you wait because after a while they seem relieved you marry at all. Does that help?

*hugs*
[User Picture]
From:etherealclarity
Date:April 9th, 2008 12:26 pm (UTC)
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Don't worry, it's not you. Everyone has to do a lot of trial-and-error when it comes to dating, regardless of attractiveness/sense-of-humor/intelligence etc. It is the rare person who has people falling all over themselves to date them (and if they do, it's usually because of something superficial and non-lasting anyway) and then, of course, the one time they think it truly matters and they're crazy about someone, it's someone who doesn't want them at all.

So the good news is, it isn't you. The bad news is, this is just the sucky process of weeding through duds to find the good ones... and yes, duds include the ones that aren't interested in YOU, too. They're not worth your time.

I wish you luck with the arranged part and the whole dating process really. It ain't fun, but I think you'll find your way.
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From:lynevere
Date:April 9th, 2008 01:48 pm (UTC)
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Everyone has to do a lot of trial-and-error when it comes to dating

Very true. I have to imagine there's even more trial-and-error with an arranged marriage, since most of us start with a larger pool and get to make the first cut before any actual "date."
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From:lynevere
Date:April 9th, 2008 01:44 pm (UTC)
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Wow, it that timeframe typical? Heck, it normally takes a year just to plan the wedding, ignoring the meeting/getting to know you bit.

Good luck, of course.
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From:schnappycat
Date:April 9th, 2008 01:49 pm (UTC)
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It's all just...tough. I can't imagine. I can only wish you good luck and tell you that I have faith it will all work out. Maybe your Indian accountant will be less a Kelly and more a Pam for you.
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From:annabelleonyx
Date:April 9th, 2008 01:49 pm (UTC)
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While my parents had different specifics in mind when I started online dating in 2006 my Mom was PUSHING ME. Her requirements were that he had to be educated, and want kids. She was on my back all the time, and the worst was that I lived at home so she knew it if I wasn't trying. It was so hard. I just sort of blanked out of it emotionally and went on all the dates I could. Even when I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere with it.

Then I walked into a coffee shop to meet a British Mathematician from Match.com and when I walked back to my car that night I thought, "This one is the one that will work out." Here we are 1 1/2 years later...

Point being; if you suffer through at some point I am sure that it will just work out. I don't know if forcing yourself to do try is the answer or not, but at least it's trying...
[User Picture]
From:omoo
Date:April 9th, 2008 01:53 pm (UTC)
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This must be so hard, but I don't think your going about it wrong.

The way you approached the last candidate seems really nice and a good way to introduce yourself to someone. I would think any date will be hard since there is so much expectation around it.

If her family is pushing as hard as your family is, she is probably having many of the same feelings of bewilderment and apprehension.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:April 9th, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
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Romance novels are all firmly based in reality! Right?
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From:harper47
Date:April 9th, 2008 02:12 pm (UTC)
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I'm the last one to give romantic advice with my record. I don't know - it's all a confusing mess to me.

So um. . . . . somehow these things all seem to work out. People meet, mate, matchup and then eventually unravel. Hee! Sorry - strike that unravel remark. All true love ends in happily ever after. With cartoon birds. :D


(

[User Picture]
From:daynr
Date:April 9th, 2008 02:24 pm (UTC)
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This: "My mom seemed to think it was some sort of plus that she kind of looks like my little sister, but I think it's weird! I don't want to be reminded of my little sister when I'm...doing...things." crack me up. I know it's not suppose to, but I'm still finding it hysterical.

On dating, I'm sorry it's making you feel down. I don't think you should underestimate the huge and intangible power of chemistry, which can't be predicted. The girls were cute and nice, you were cute and nice, but that doesn't mean there was chemistry ... and it doesn't mean it was you.

I find this stuff all so interesting, but man December seems soon.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:April 9th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
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I know it's not suppose to, but I'm still finding it hysterical.
Oh, don't worry, it was supposed to be funny.

I don't think you should underestimate the huge and intangible power of chemistry, which can't be predicted. The girls were cute and nice, you were cute and nice, but that doesn't mean there was chemistry
BUT I GOT AN A IN CHEMISTRY.

I find this stuff all so interesting, but man December seems soon.
You're telling me.
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From:gymble
Date:April 9th, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
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Oh, Sunil. The only part I can help you with is to repeat what everyone else has said: dating is like that for everyone. Really. We've all had awkward first dates, people who never call, unrequited crushes. It's normal and it's not just you. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. Rejection sucks, but dating does pay off eventually.

One more piece of advice: don't marry anyone you're not friends with. I get that there's not so much flexibility in arranged marriages, but you have to be friends with the girl. Preferably best friends. It's just not worth it otherwise.

[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:April 9th, 2008 03:02 pm (UTC)
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Thanks, you.
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From:ahtrap
Date:April 9th, 2008 03:13 pm (UTC)
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Not sure I've got useful advice, since it took well over three years of dating Delana before my parents started getting the idea that, hey, maybe they're not going to get to arrange any nuptials for me. Probably helped that they were occupied with my (younger) brother's wedding at the time....

But failing finding the love of your life in the next two months, maybe it's worth a look, maybe you'll even like her?

Obviously, you're not mortally opposed to the idea of an arranged marriage, since you've met with previous (and it sucks to describe them this way, but there you have it) candidates.

Me, my parents really didn't bother me too much until we were in India back in 2002, age 27, and all of a sudden, one day we were going to visit a girl. Like.....WHOA... AMBUSH!

Suffice it to say, it didn't much help their cause. It also didn't help that anybody they brought up as a possibility was in India. Hard to do the get to know thing from 10000 miles and a $1500 place ticket away. I ended up putting them off with the, hey I'm starting grad school, let me settle into that groove. See how that turned out, huh?

Every once in a while, I wonder how it might have been had I just gone along for the ride, like, would I have kids by now, or whatever else....Not that that helps you at all, Sunil, just the kind of things racing across my head as I read of your travails....
From:harriettheelf
Date:April 9th, 2008 03:53 pm (UTC)
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1. I do not know what to say to this. So sad. So foreign to me. argh.

2. So I will nitpick.

(a) Your mother thinks she can pull a wedding together by this December?! Either this is not possible, or you forgot to tell me that your mother has found a wrinkle in the time-space continuum.

(b) And let's not forget my two epic bouts of unrequited love. Oh lord. Let's do. Those are the absolute WORST. I definitely feel you on that one.

(c) N - my friend who spurred your post about pretty girls - trained as an accountant. You never know ...
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:April 9th, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
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a) It's possible that all they all really mean is that I will have found a wife or be off to the wife factory in December. And I already knew about the wife factory, but everyone seems to want to be clearing their calendars for December, and I don't think I'm bringing my entire family with me...

b) Thanks.

c) Hot damn! Go accountants!
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[User Picture]
From:allthelivesofme
Date:April 9th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC)
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Oh man, I'm sorry. The whole dating mess is annoying enough most of the time without added parental pressure.
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From:spectralbovine
Date:April 9th, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
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I haven't seen that icon in so long!
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From:bsidetales
Date:April 9th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
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The whole parent element is so hard and sort of gives me a panic attack just thinking about it.

However, I so feel you on the love thing. It stinks.

But, will work out I think. Pam!accountant, hiiiii.
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From:lodessa
Date:April 9th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
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Good luck with all this. I honestly cannot even imagine how hard it must be to make a connection under this kind of pressure.

Have you thought about maybe searching for an appropriate candidate on your own, like via dating sites and such? Your family would be okay if you found someone who fit the correct specifics right?
[User Picture]
From:rachelmanija
Date:April 9th, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
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That's what I was going to say. If you're willing to go along with being tortured by nice Gujarati girls via your parents, you might as well put up your own ads seeking the same and at least widen the pool a bit.

That being said, I'm not against arranged marriages in principle because I've seen some extremely happy and long-lasting ones, but I can't help feeling that they are a bad fit for you. If you marry a woman you don't like because she's a Gujarati accountant, I promise you that you will eventually be so miserable that you will decide that defying your family isn't that bad and divorce her. I have seen it happen! Don't marry anyone unless you actually like them!

As for feeling unloved and unliked by potential love interests, it's not just you. Here I am, 34 and never had a relationship last longer than six months, and no relationship whatsoever for the last seven years.
From:wee_warrior
Date:April 9th, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC)
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This whole stupid process appeared to be about finding the woman I want to marry, but it turns out it's really about finding a woman who actually wants to marry me.

I think that pretty much describes Western dating patterns in a nutshell. I'm sorry your family complicates it through trying to match you up. Is the pressure to actually start dating one of your "blind dates" very high, or is it possible for you to meet her and then decide you're not interested? Maybe it makes it less problematic for you if you don't see it as an alternative to serious dating but just as some sort of ... practice. (Or is that too cynical?)
[User Picture]
From:spectralbovine
Date:April 9th, 2008 06:22 pm (UTC)
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Is the pressure to actually start dating one of your "blind dates" very high
Everyone is itching for me to get married ASAP.

is it possible for you to meet her and then decide you're not interested
That is allowed, though.

Maybe it makes it less problematic for you if you don't see it as an alternative to serious dating but just as some sort of ... practice. (Or is that too cynical?)
Hee.
[User Picture]
From:prophetkristy
Date:April 9th, 2008 06:14 pm (UTC)
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....wow. That does not sound fun at all.

If I was in the area, I'd totally date you!
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From:tamarai
Date:April 9th, 2008 07:47 pm (UTC)
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Your other friends are smarter (and quicker) than me. (Veronica Mars is still smarter than them, of course). What they said.

*hugs*

(BTW: When are you going to visit Michigan? There are probably some prospects here...)
[User Picture]
From:marta
Date:April 9th, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC)
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I felt like I was completely uninteresting and boring

You know, you're really quite the opposite of "uninteresting and boring." Just sayin'.

:)

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